Description: OK, I have no idea what to think of this. I've written more drafts of this than anything I've ever written, and I'm not truly happy with any of them. I've totally lost perspective. I'm not sure it's a good enough idea to make myself crazy. Anyway, I had one in which night was her bruised black. Should I put that back in? I wrote this version today, and there's been no sun to cheer the sky. She's been sulking gray all day.
We Bruise the Sky -------------------------------------------
The sky reflects her blue sadness upon the earth.
Our words, our bullets, our bombs
batter her face with marks
of purple, pink, and red.
Though her friend the sun
soothes her a bit,
cheers her a bit
when he arrives.
The bruises return
as soon as his bright face
takes its leave.
I think that you should add in the line about the night being bruised black, but the rest of it is a beautifully expressed peice that I would not suggest that you add anything to, but that just me!!!! PS: wont someone tell me WELCOME BACK BROKENMUSE *sighs*
I'm a bit confused cause it's a harsh turn from the sun to the one who brings back her bruises. I had to read it twice to really get it. I think this is because of his 'bright face'. that refers back to the sun for me. and that's confusing a bit. I know what you mean by it but I would replace it with 'smile' or something like that. as for the line you've left out in this version I think you've done right. for me it doesn't fit. and I would leave out the 'blue' in your first line. it just doubles the sadness and brings in nothing new. but I really like the lines
our words our bullets our bombs batter her face with marks of purple, pink, and red
This is a most interesting metaphor. Very creative and refreshing to read. It is most unfortunate that our way of life seems to include war and hurting one another whether it be our words towards one another or our tendency to be at war with others. I like how you have used the sky's colors to indicate bruising and the sun's arrival to cheer her. It is ironic as well as the sun causes the sky's color but since that is not the direction you were taking with this, it seems irrelevant. But if you think of it in terms of the sunset it works perfectly as the sun is disappearing at this time of day. I think to improve the overall flow of the read I would add a "but" to the beginning of the line "the bruises return". I stumbled there briefly without it but that is just my opinion. Overall a wonderful poem and its content is very original. Nice work. Take care.
I think adding the night was bruised black part is a good idea! I also think that the way you described the pink, red and purple being bruising as the sun sets is beautiful. Either way you take this, it's going to be great!
I think you should leave this as is. This is great hun. I love the idea of night sky reflecting someone's sadness. Night time can be a hard time for some. Sometimes it gets me but most time I come alive at night. (It's the night owl in me.) lol I like that you said she has the sun as her friend - she has some light in her life - that makes me feel good about this piece. Maybe this girl won't forget that special light and give up like so many others do. Maybe that's what she lives for - the light - even if the time she is cheered up is small that could save her life. I think that this was great and interesting and totally uniquely you. :) Great job hun. Take care.
This is perfect I love the spare way you have written this, the few words that you have used are so right.
the analogy of war bruisiig the sky is absolutely brilliant . ...you have tapped into something i have often thought about (the way storm clouds look bruised), but you have taken it several steps up the ladder...this is top claass
I don't know who wrote the other one. But I think this one is okay. It isn't the best but it is not terrible. It has an interesting unifying themes about her dependency on this person for her happiness. I think that it should be a little bit longer and have a little more detail. Over all I think you put a lot of thought into it and I think you should keep trying with this one. Briannan