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untitled


Author: crazygothchika
ASL Info:    15/f/oh
Elite Ratio:    2.36 - 21 /36 /9
Words: 227
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1054
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1348



Description:


What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


untitled



If only, if only the sad girl crys
if death weren't so easy I'd give it a try.

If only, if only her parents now say
after their daughter was found dead today.


If only we showed her that we truly did care
mayber emotions of hatred and anger wouldn't have took her there.

If only, if only her best friend now says
i can't believe I was buying this
how could I not see her crying of this?

Now I see that she was internally bleeding
I still can't believe that I couldn't see her pleeding.

If only, if only her peers now say
how did out words cause this today?
we didn't think that it would end this way.

If only, if only her friends sadly say
if only we had listened
if only we had cared
if only we could have barred a shoulder when it seemed like no one was there.

So now as she holds the gun to her ear
and gives up everything that she's held so dear.

With one loud boom and a small little shriek
all becomes silent but nothing at peace.

She falls to the ground with a small little thud
her mother runs in to find her coverd in blood!







Submitted on 2005-11-16 16:37:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This was good...graphic...kinda...at the end...i like it. Great work. a title suggestion...If Only...it works with it. The repetition works well, i thought, in this poem. Well, i have not much to say about this. Great work!

-Nathan
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  I think the poem is extremely cliché, but it has a nice flow, and I like it :) I can feel the emotion pulsing through the seams of this poem. Good job.
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Yclipse | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. That's really powerful...definitely makes you think about how much you've really been there for all of the people who need you in their life.

The repitition could get boring, but you accompanied it with strong emotion and it fits well in getting your point across.

The idea of the poem has been used alot, but with enough feeling and a good choice of words, it always seems original. You definitely managed to get there.

I hope this isn't how you see yourself, and if it is, I hope things begin to get better for you. Keep writing.
| Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by indianhog74 | [ Reply to This ]


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