Description: I started this over a year ago and just stumbled on it tonight, and in a flurry of inspiration came to a satisfactory conclusion of sorts.
Found -------------------------------------------
He saw her out there in the rain
She saw him looking from within
He saw her outside looking in
She caught him staring at her pain
Her hair was soaked against her skin
His eyes caught something in her face
Her lips drew up, an angelic smile
Their hearts beat fast
Their breathing ceased
Did he go to her or she to him?
Hard to know
In the labyrinth that is their memory
Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity
Eyes locked in wordless affirmation
Their minds entwined
She lay upon him
That wordless night
Her secrets lay bare
For his mouth to free
Bodies blended betwixt the sheets
An explosion of energy
Lovers united
Lovers sleep.
this is, again, a beautiful peice. the way you write about love makes me want to feel te things these people feel. some of these things i have experienced, and some not, and i think that if you can relate to these writings you love them, and if you can't, you want to
that is an amazing talent for a writer to have, rare and beautiful as any precious bauble.
He saw her out there in the rain
She saw him looking from within
He saw her outside looking in
She caught him staring at her pain
Her hair was soaked against her skin
His eyes caught something in her face
Her lips drew up, an angelic smile
Their hearts beat fast
Their breathing ceased
--
that classic scene in the movie, that across the room or on the street at night look, the look that only true love at first sight can share. that moment of realization and hunger followed by wave upon wave of insane emotion.
tender
pretty
good job, it has a nice flow, but not too rhymey
Did he go to her or she to him?
Hard to know
In the labyrinth that is their memory
Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity
Eyes locked in wordless affirmation
Their minds entwined
--
i love the way that sounds, i want to roll it around in my mouth and let it melt on my tongue like fine wine and dark chocolate.
it echoes through your mind,
"In the labyrinth that is their memory
Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity"
until it is branded there, but on the edge, you know and love the sound, but what is it, EXACTLY?
She lay upon him
That wordless night
Her secrets lay bare
For his mouth to free
Bodies blended betwixt the sheets
An explosion of energy
Lovers united
Lovers sleep.
--
the last 2 lines of this, while quite a bit shorter than the rest, are perfect and well fitting
i think you did quite well with your burst of inspiration.
this was a joy to read and analyze
you did quite well, in my humble opinion.
oh i love this i truly do- the way in which you captured the progression of the meeting, the look, the smile, sharing of emotions then actual physical experiences...
excellent description of how time seems to slow down when seeing the person "Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity Eyes locked in wordless affirmation Their minds entwined"
You capture true emotion in your writes In this case you carried us your reader thru meeting someone getting to know them falling in love And then sex It was perfectly stated in those short lines you used Great Job Ron
And thanks for the comment on captured memories I am glad you not only liked it but understood it Thank You Ron
This is absolutely wonderful! It's quite similar to a poem I wrote called Just a sexy explicit poem yet it's not very explicit... Now as for your poem great job! I believe I only found one spelling error but other than that perfect It flowed excellently and I applaud you for your story... Peace Mysterious
i like this, I really want to know who went to who?????? Anyway, great write. it kind of reminds me of when I met my current boyfriend, we were both to shy to ask the other out but then I just bit the bullet and asked him although he swears he asked me, not that it matters, ah well I know that wasn't the point of your poem but that's what it made me think of.
Submission Name: Found
