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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Founddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1031
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 827



    Description:
       I started this over a year ago and just stumbled on it tonight, and in a flurry of inspiration came to a satisfactory conclusion of sorts.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFounddots
    -------------------------------------------



    He saw her out there in the rain
    She saw him looking from within
    He saw her outside looking in
    She caught him staring at her pain
    Her hair was soaked against her skin
    His eyes caught something in her face
    Her lips drew up, an angelic smile
    Their hearts beat fast
    Their breathing ceased

    Did he go to her or she to him?
    Hard to know
    In the labyrinth that is their memory
    Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity
    Eyes locked in wordless affirmation
    Their minds entwined

    She lay upon him
    That wordless night
    Her secrets lay bare
    For his mouth to free
    Bodies blended betwixt the sheets
    An explosion of energy
    Lovers united
    Lovers sleep.





    Submitted on 2005-11-16 16:46:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is, again, a beautiful peice. the way you write about love makes me want to feel te things these people feel. some of these things i have experienced, and some not, and i think that if you can relate to these writings you love them, and if you can't, you want to
    that is an amazing talent for a writer to have, rare and beautiful as any precious bauble.

    He saw her out there in the rain
    She saw him looking from within
    He saw her outside looking in
    She caught him staring at her pain
    Her hair was soaked against her skin
    His eyes caught something in her face
    Her lips drew up, an angelic smile
    Their hearts beat fast
    Their breathing ceased
    --
    that classic scene in the movie, that across the room or on the street at night look, the look that only true love at first sight can share. that moment of realization and hunger followed by wave upon wave of insane emotion.
    tender
    pretty
    good job, it has a nice flow, but not too rhymey


    Did he go to her or she to him?
    Hard to know
    In the labyrinth that is their memory
    Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity
    Eyes locked in wordless affirmation
    Their minds entwined
    --
    i love the way that sounds, i want to roll it around in my mouth and let it melt on my tongue like fine wine and dark chocolate.
    it echoes through your mind,
    "In the labyrinth that is their memory
    Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity"
    until it is branded there, but on the edge, you know and love the sound, but what is it, EXACTLY?


    She lay upon him
    That wordless night
    Her secrets lay bare
    For his mouth to free
    Bodies blended betwixt the sheets
    An explosion of energy
    Lovers united
    Lovers sleep.
    --
    the last 2 lines of this, while quite a bit shorter than the rest, are perfect and well fitting
    i think you did quite well with your burst of inspiration.

    this was a joy to read and analyze
    you did quite well, in my humble opinion.

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      oh i love this i truly do- the way in which you captured the progression of the meeting, the look, the smile, sharing of emotions then actual physical experiences...

    excellent description of how time seems to slow down when seeing the person
    "Those few seconds stretched to perpetuity
    Eyes locked in wordless affirmation
    Their minds entwined"

    This is gooooood

    *keep spreading the love*

    nadia
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by AfricanPrincess | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent write again

    You capture true emotion in your writes
    In this case you carried us your reader thru meeting someone
    getting to know them
    falling in love
    And then sex
    It was perfectly stated in those short lines you used
    Great Job
    Ron


    And thanks for the comment on captured memories
    I am glad you not only liked it but understood it
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is absolutely wonderful! It's quite similar to a poem I wrote called Just a sexy explicit poem yet it's not very explicit... Now as for your poem great job! I believe I only found one spelling error but other than that perfect It flowed excellently and I applaud you for your story... Peace Mysterious
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Mysterious Blue | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this, I really want to know who went to who?????? Anyway, great write. it kind of reminds me of when I met my current boyfriend, we were both to shy to ask the other out but then I just bit the bullet and asked him although he swears he asked me, not that it matters, ah well I know that wasn't the point of your poem but that's what it made me think of.

    Well done

    Tink
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]


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    81268

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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