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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Kill Me with Your Secretsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Naymless
    ASL Info:    15/F/phx, az
    Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 142/110/33
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 936
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 909



    Description:
       The Real title is 'Heaven wasn't made for people like us.' but the title wouldn't fit, so rather than shortening it I changed it. This poem's is just something I came up with in math class.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKill Me with Your Secretsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    So devastatingly lovely,
    Don’t you know who I am?
    Years take on memories,
    But I rest tattooed unto your beating heart,

    Your beating heart,
    Your beating heart,
    Oh, how it beats for me,

    I dream of you,
    But nightmares don’t count,
    I think of you,
    Day dreamingly the winds call your name,

    Beneath an apple tree,
    Gravity becomes apparent,
    As I fall to the floor,
    Looking for aid where it can’t be found,
    Save me from my open books,
    Dream worlds are consistent,
    While fantasies never truly die,

    Ironic chains,
    Concealing,
    My art,
    What a beautiful array of mercy killings,
    I’m bound to find you,
    Through blood splattered memories,
    I’ll find you,

    And together we’ll watch everything fall apart.




    Submitted on 2005-11-16 18:15:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow your love for this person is even to dying. but the way u put it was really good the ending tied it all together with a new meaning one of more dramatic then at the start. but then agian that's how it is Great pome I really enjoyed it keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
      Reminds me a of a charming sucide note, not an angry at the world note just a passiing chuckle at another's density before all becomes clear.

    Beneath an apple tree,
    Gravity becomes apparent,

    A wonderful reference to Mr. Newton. This poem seems to revolve around apiffiny,(spelling?) and how all things make sense in time, the world is not flat, we revolve around the sun,..etc Things made clear in a galvanizing moment in time. The death of the beauty starts a horrific revolution in thought. Nice Ideas, I liked the poem.

    Yours Truly,
    Argos
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by Aruemos | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...I loved this..the last stanza and end line were the best parts I think. I'd switch fall to the floor to fall to the ground but other than that I can't find any complaints. This is another favorites add...wow 2 in a day. lol anyway this was great just the imagry with the concept...and the original title was cool...keep writing.
    peace.
    ~silent
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...I loved this..the last stanza and end line were the best parts I think. I'd switch fall to the floor to fall to the ground but other than that I can't find any complaints. This is another favorites add...wow 2 in a day. lol anyway this was great just the imagry with the concept...and the original title was cool...keep writing.
    peace.
    ~silent
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      anything with three or more lines I call “stanza” for reference.


    (st1) right away in the first line has impact with “devastatingly lovely” I do like the tattooed on the beating heart that gives me a feeling of something that is more committed/permanent.

    (st2) the repetition of “your beating heart” is nice not bothersome. I do like the way the last line in this stanza is said.

    (st3) ok in this stanza I do think the second line is a little plain when compared with the entire work, maybe something better than “but nightmares don’t count” I love that phrase “day dreamingly” its unique for me to see the “ly” in that. I am not saying I have never seen it, I am saying that I don’t remember seeing it used in that fashion before.

    (st4) nothing to pick on or out in this stanza it reads lovely.

    (st5) “ironic chains” wow that is startling language there. the 4th line is excellent “What a beautiful array of mercy killings” as well as the line “Through blood splattered memories” the closing is great too.

    overall a very unique piece in its language and presentation is moving as well. one small pick but really minor when considering the whole piece.

    excellent job,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is excellent. I quite like dark poetry if it is well-written (The majority of it here isn't, I'm afraid). I only have one nit to pick in this one. In "Beneath an apple tree,/ Gravity becomes apparent,/ As I fall to the floor," I think I'd say "As I fall to the ground." I quite like "Day dreamingly." Nicely done, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I wish I was that creative in math class. The only thing it does for me is make me tired. But anywho, I cant even describe how wonderful this is. Its sad in such a beautiful way. You really have a way with words. Again... wow. Im still fascinated. You are really talented, and it shows through every awesome line. Perfect ending. Very nicely done. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      ur a very nice apple(lol)
    imagery was good.this is a write thats leaves a lot of individual interpation.u expressed ur self very well,but 4 me it was hard to connect ur title to the write=this is where individual interpation comes in=its usually funny,ones opinion about something=to the owner of the original.
    some Very nice deep thought and was very much worth the read

    all one persons opinion

    toyysruss
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a very good write. your ending:
    "And together we’ll watch everything fall apart."
    i believe that was excellent. i loved this piece. it is definatly going down under my favroites. i like your work Nyamless. also i like the title "Kill Me With Your Secrets". for a score, even though i dont like being a judge on self expression, i give this a 10 out of 10. thank you again, take care and Respect.
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by irish storm | [ Reply to This ]
      oh my god, this is magnificent! (and pretty damn good for math class)

    i love how you talk about the memories. i'm not sure why but that really calls to me and makes me love it even more. and of course you ending line just tops it off. usually when i read poems that have ending lines like that it won't fit, but you've done very well. it fits perfectly. congradulations on a piece very well done.

    i do believe this will be added to my favorites list. keep it up, you inspire me.

    -jess
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]


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