Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Up Through a Crackdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ConScribe
    ASL Info:    19/M/Tucson,AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 262/360/143
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 940
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 617



    Description:
       No one commented on this the first time, and I would really like some feed-back on this one, thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUp Through a Crackdots
    -------------------------------------------


    So bold to be born beneath the billboards and buildings
    In a canyon of a crack, crooked with age and wear,
    Manifest majesty arises under the sky with its scrapers.

    Rays of imitation seem to mimic down,
    To relive the bloom as a shadow, mirrored on the ground.
    And so lost here on the asphalt, dawn's a disheartened Daisy,
    Weak at heart, weak at mind, limp, lame and lazy.

    In rising it has risked the crushing affects of life,
    A heel from above, oblivious to the brilliance below,
    Falling fatally flat with fate on this floral frame.




    Submitted on 2005-11-16 18:35:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Falling fatally flat with fate on this floral frame.

    wow this line this line just really pops out to me.
    i truely like this pice you are verry talented and well it practically rendered me speachless.
    some much feeling

    xoxo
    that girl
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by sweet sorenity | [ Reply to This ]
      This seems more a comment on society as a whole than a critique of urban indifference. The entire second stanza serves as both the core of the poem and the focal point of the conflict between artificial/commercial and natural/unadorned beauty. It could even be said that the 'moral' of the story lies in the glory of the insignificant and the supreme beauty of the overlooked. Perhaps that's why poetic genious is rarely recognized until after a writer's death. Careful of the alliteration, you have a solid poem requiring only minor tweaking. Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice description of the city, it is oppressive in its vanity.

    I like the first lines of your second stanza. To me it seemed to capture very well the way billboard advertisements and the like exploit and degrade human creativity. This helps add to the impression of a force pushing down from above ("the crushing affects of life").

    The thing you talk about being born and raised in this environment is not entirely clear, it seems left up to the reader to guess at (i
    is it just another person or is it human virtue as a whole? etc). I would clarify that. I notice too you seem to like consonance and alliteration, but in a few places you overdo it and it becomes a bit tacky (i last line).

    Good overall. Keep tweaking it and try to clarify.

    Luke
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by thescarletabyss | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    81287

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry