This is a good write. It holds a glassful of emotion in each line. Trying to drown a heartbreak with each drink. The blood and liquor part was good. It added depth to the poem. Not sure where the "cup" came in.. unless that's what you were drinking from? .. or perhaps (but hope not) cut yourself with?? At any rate.. I liked this. It has poetic style. ~Sandra
well, i am sorry for your friend, unfortunately we cannot usually tell them what is right or not, otherwise they probably wouldnt got into the situation in the first place. after a relationship goes sour our friends are the first to say "i didnt like her to begin with" and alcohol is never the answer, unfortunately again some of us refuse to believe this until it is too late and recovery is needed. i think this poem is outstanding. good luck to you with your friend and writing!~~tracy
This is a very well written poem you have here. I think you did a great job writing this one. I can relate to this in the sense that alcohol does in fact help one forget their problems, but I have learned this is only temporary. Once the drunken stupor passes, you are left all hung over and the problems are still there. Heartbreak is never easy. It is probably the most difficult thing to try to deal with, at least in my opinion, and you have expressed your feelings well with this poem. Very nice job. Take care.
all right now you are just showing off! Jose this one is freaking fabulous! you have outdone yourself this time my friend. it is wonderfully worded. ok let me stand back a little and dig just a bit because I don’t want my love for this write to get in the way of my analysis.
St1 ok in this stanza the all too familiar situation of a heartbroken person sunk in despair and turning to drinking. it is sad that our pains are so great we have to dull it. as for the wording I do like how it all goes together. It reads nicely.
St2 I feel that first line, I have practiced myself the method of dulling the pain. the denial of what is happening and the very excellent drink of a a heartbreak which of course is the title and beautifully chosen I might add. it is a ritualistic thing to do. now this is a rare poem that I do not find those things that I can extract a million meanings out of it that makes this excellent on its own.
St3 ok on the first I would make some adjustments here the stared, watched, and gazed all mean about the same thing. I would put “gathered” in place of “stared” and “talked” in place of “watched” geez I didn’t notice that on my first look. but its cool just a small adjustment there.
st4 “I will drink ‘til the last drop” it’s almost like a tragic play how I read this. lovely language on the second line that goes well with the 1st “And I will remember no more" I like how the blood is introduced here from the cup this goes well symbolically too the blood and the cup almost as a reverse sacrament the ritual of drinking to forget lost love.
St5 then they watch I love when poetry is wrapped up with a grand exit. “as in liquor and in blood I forgot” there is simplicity in this and yet within a measure of symbolic reference here that I do enjoy.
It starts off picture perfect. "Give me one more.." Evokes chuckles, sympathy, just about any type of reaction could come. But as you go on, it seems you didn't put enough thought into the words; "Said I reaching for it"; could be, "As I reached for the glass" would be better. "Everyone watched and stared"; too redundant. You seem to make the same point several times. We know, you drank to forget. Now what? Great subject, but put more into the poem.
Anyone who has experienced a broken heart can empathize, but this is a poetry critique site. I sympathize, but now to the writing: You have a good start, beginning in the middle of the action, which evokes interest and avoids tedious descriptions. The last line of S1 breaks the spell. “heart...not BEING able to take IT”? Find a better way to say it without the “being” or the “it”. Perhaps, “unable to endure the pain”. Even the first “it” is weak. Perhaps “...reaching across”? That would evoke an image with a far better ending sound. Yes, I know that breaks the rhyme, but S2 & S4 don’t rhyme anyway. Choose rhyme or not, but don’t keep switching, or you will call attention to the non-rhyming stanzas as a lack of ability, rather than a choice. Some of the lines are quite good: “Drink of a heartbreak”. Others are really bad: “...stared and watched / some EVEN gazed”. Even? That normally means a comparative increase. Gaze is no more intense than “stare”, and little more than “watch”. This poem has a lot going for it, but needs a lot of editing to reach the level of its best phrases. fred
That made me say "aww." Thats so sad. Those things seem to help at first, but you never really forget. It just covers it up for a while. I mean, I don't drink or anything, but I take a lot of anti-depressants to make me just not care. I've noticed that that only makes it worse. I heard on Starting Over (yes...i actually watch that show lol) that you need to grieve and stuff in order to heal. I believe it, but I haven't tried yet. I don't want to. So I see why someone would try to drink away their problem like that. But anyway, I hope that everything works out for you. I hear that it gets better in time. You wrote it in a way that I could feel every word. Very nicely done.