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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Transiently Fadingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: orderly conduct
    Elite Ratio:    2.44 - 51/80/36
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 885
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1360



    Description:
       I was waiting to post this for a long time, and i was listening to "Tsurezure naru mama ni". Which is a japanese song by kagrra for anyone who cares. Which no-one probably does. Either way please read and review..review..seriously. I was completley dissapointed when my longer piece got 21 views and only one damn comment.. .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTransiently Fadingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    We are disappearing.
    Into a spiritless room.
    With exuberant paintings all over the walls.
    We are walking down this street.
    Breathing lavender air.
    Our eyes seem navy.
    Roaming over the houses.
    The frost is bordering the blossoms.
    And also our lips.
    Secretly, you pointed out that it didnít snow at all.
    Seasons have nothing to do with boredom anymore.
    Comparisons are irrelevant.
    Your voice is the only measure of distance.
    The only measure of sanity.
    Softly we mumble.
    About this high pitched illusion.
    While sheets spin endlessly near our legs.
    The most transparent music is heard.
    Flowing endlessly through the circular sky.
    Blue umbrellas to cover from imaginary rain.
    Let me sleep. This sweet offer is too tempting.
    Echoes seem useless. As windowless houses.
    May is shimmering.
    May is stealing away my emotions.
    That already began fading.
    The air is warm with violin notes.
    Like dimly lit nights and lanterns.
    Frayed edges of Orange and White linger aimlessly near our shoulders.
    Urgently ripping threads from the edge of the colorful silk.
    So lovely. So lovely. So lovely.
    It doesnít seem to matter.
    I am after all, disappearing.




    Submitted on 2005-11-16 20:29:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ok on the first three lines you are in a room. yet set up the scenery nicely, I might add but then bam I am on the street, yes I say I cause I am now in your write here walking along side your narration and I find it odd to be in a room then onto a street in the matter of three lines without someone form of transition or break in the words. the first three lines seem to be meshed together with no real transition into the next thought. maybe a separation to denote you have change the scene other than the words because it does tend to confuse and lose the reader. I would separate out the different thoughts in this poem. so it would look something like this:

    We are disappearing.
    Into a spiritless room.
    With exuberant paintings all over the walls.

    We are walking down this street.
    Breathing lavender air.
    Our eyes seem navy.

    Roaming over the houses.
    The frost is bordering the blossoms.
    And also our lips.

    Secretly, you pointed out that it didnít snow at all.
    Seasons have nothing to do with boredom anymore.
    Comparisons are irrelevant.
    Your voice is the only measure of distance.
    The only measure of sanity.

    Softly we mumble.
    About this high pitched illusion.
    While sheets spin endlessly near our legs.
    The most transparent music is heard.
    Flowing endlessly through the circular sky.
    Blue umbrellas to cover from imaginary rain.
    Let me sleep.
    This sweet offer is too tempting.

    Echoes seem useless, As windowless houses.
    May is shimmering.
    May is stealing away my emotions.
    That already began fading.
    The air is warm with violin notes.
    Like dimly lit nights and lanterns.

    Frayed edges of Orange and White linger aimlessly near our shoulders.
    Urgently ripping threads from the edge of the colorful silk.
    So lovely. So lovely. So lovely.
    It doesnít seem to matter.
    I am after all, disappearing.

    now if you think the verses go better in another fashion, I would make the minor adjustments if you can or want to. separate not only for the thoughts but also to give the reader some room between the lines to stop and reflect on what is being said. if it where a story I believe the same rule would apply. no I see you have used colors in this write and that is nice and many of those colors Iím sure you might already know they have meanings to them. lavender or purple could represent wealth, while blue could mean calm or self-cultivation. orange may mean kinship or warmth it depends on the culture and if the writers intent, that color may be affixed with an intentional symbolism, sometimes it is the subconscious that does it. many times it is the intent of the writer to add colors strictly on the basis of beauty and if that is the case I say more power to them. nice write,


    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      i can give you pretty words. because ofcourse you have that. i don't like the colors. not that the colors were ugly. but they stuck out. but aimlessly. like the cherry blossoms. and but they weren't fading. it was lovely. so lovely. where did you go? the serenity doesn't make me feel much. so the fading doesn't seem irrelevant. you disappear. but it's not sad. and it wasn't lovely enough.
    i like the umbrella. and the rain. and the windowless houses.
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
      You put my mind at peace with this write
    It was almost like I was being hypnotized
    You really captured a lot of emotion and made me think
    I will definately be looking for more of your writes
    Thank You
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my poetry and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      this is very lovly.. but you know that.. right?

    these are some of the thing i saw that i thought need work.. now i'm just gonna copy and paste and make the changes.. use them or dont.. they are yours... (also sorry if i am coming off rude i have not slept)

    May is stealing away my emotions.
    That already began fading.
    without the slightest indication
    i saw my own words decend down
    and change the indifference wheater brings
    The air is warm with violin notes.
    Like dimly lit nights and lanterns.
    quite, and waiting
    the air is holding it's breath
    Frayed edges of Orange and White linger aimlessly near our shoulders.
    Urgently ripping threads from the edge of the colorful silk.
    So lovely. sweet, like fruit.
    It doesnít seem to matter.
    I am after all, disappearing.


    now this my take the poem in a different dircetion... but this is what i heard when i was reading it.. so i thought i'd put it... i hope it helps in some way.. feel free to make any change you like if you feel that the lines are up to par...

    i like it a lot though.. really i thought it waws very delcate and peaceful..

    on the flipside
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful and full of lovely imagery. I feel like I'm turning into a snowflake just reading this. I have no idea why, but this reminds me of something Radiohead might sing. I love "The frost is bordering the blossoms./ And also our lips." "Transparent music" is also a gorgeous image (As a synesthete, I see music, and that makes me think of crystal notes or something). The only criticism I have is that I wish you wouldn't put a period after every line. Some of your lines would work better with commas at the ends. I'd use periods on in cases of grammatical need or sparingly to add emphasis to fragments, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh wow, I really like this. This is so beautiful. I love how you've turned the world into a place where everythin that you expect to always be there just doesn't really matter, and nothing is that way it really should be. That's sort of how I see the world, so this really made a lot of sense to me. I'll have to check out that song, if it inspired such an awesome piece.

    Cheers,
    Azael
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Anticlownperson | [ Reply to This ]
      I have now read this completely through 3 times and have to admit I can't seem to wrap my mind around it, I think the imagery is very nice and at a few points almost started to take me somewhere but then I was stuck because I wasn't sure I understood where you were taking me? What does the japanese song have to do with this, what is the connection? I like the use of the various colors but what do they represent? Do orange and white represent the light from the lanterns? What do you mean by "lavender air"? Why are you disappearing? I don't know why I have so many questions, it's not a bad thing, trust me, I guess I'm intrigued. Maybe a little background would help me out and clear up the mystery...

    Milo
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]


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    81303

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