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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Factorydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ConScribe
    ASL Info:    19/M/Tucson,AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 262/360/143
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/I am dead inside
    Total Views: 1127
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 937



    Description:
       This went through some extensive amount of editing I'm till unhappy with it. Give me any sort of unbiased review please. Any title suggestions are welcome, the title use to be "inDUSTry", but it felt a wee bit phony. Enjoy my peice, PEACE.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Factorydots
    -------------------------------------------


    the lumber laments as it limits the light
    but the sun still finds a way to seep gentle in,
    to expose the useless machines, never seen again,
    the labyrinth of the assembly line,
    marks the laborious path as a metal shrine,
    of what went beyond and what stayed behind

    within the weeping walls of a wasted wish ,
    dirt lays beneath the shadows as they dance and play
    amongst the inner workings of metallic decay.
    imprisoned here, every rusted part
    is dull with dust, with death, the final work of art,
    to be seen against the backdrop of a dream

    belief was built to be brutally broke,
    like the idol builders themselves,
    quiet is the coffin of creativity, countless dusty shelves,
    so stacked away they went with age,
    leaving what they built for a different stage,
    with every busted bit as a part of the heart




    Submitted on 2005-11-16 22:20:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i like the alliteration in some of it.

    the lumber laments as it limits the light

    quiet is the coffin of creativity, countless dusty shelves,

    i just like that line too. like if you don't speak ideas' die. makes me wanna write more and share more. overall i liked it pretty well.
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by beth freese | [ Reply to This ]
      A very powerful piece. You have shown the coldheartedness of humans, how like machines we all are. It's quite a scary aspect. By the end of the poem I had myself taken over a metal air. Which is rather freaky, if I must say so. Still, that was the effect you were looking for and you certainly did a good job of it.

    As for improvement, I can't think of much advice to give you. I think maybe if you made a story out of it, it would be a wonderful piece, but of course that is entirely up to you. I was thinking along the lines of in this factory with these machine-like people, you find yourself, the only one with thoughts and emotions and you described those after these three stanzas of the factory. It really would be a wonderful poem then. Of course it is your own piece and is fine as it is, I wouldn't want you to change the theme, it's juts that when I read it that image came to my mind. It is a great poem as it is, so do with it as you like.
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      loved how you intergrated the human condition inot the industrial scene. Very scary. the heart as a choc of metal

    belief was built to be brutally broke,
    like the idol builders themselves


    great lines, but I liked them all.

    the coffin of creativty... and the death of art... the endless production, commodity, profit motif stifles who we are.

    these dead things have intergrated consiousness...


    wooooo

    I dont know what to give in terms of improvement. the imagery effectivley reveled the message. taking twisted metal layers and exposing the flesh underneath is hard sometimes, because it is so ingrained inot our society. its difficult to step outside of it all and look at it from a distant eye....
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by purple_lips | [ Reply to This ]


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