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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Usurped town.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dublhelix
    ASL Info:    18/m/perth australia
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 43/36/15
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 137
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 947



    Description:
       i have a new gf now. but when i broke up with my last one i wrote this... just thought id publish it and see what you guys think.

    i use the allegory of our love as a citadel... not sure how well it works.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUsurped town.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    like the epic towers of troy.
    The walls of mighty babylon
    the impenetrable has fallen.

    and you are gone.


    the veiw i have of you,
    in memorys eye, is one of love.
    camera point from way above,
    i see you lying on my bed.
    langourous, as if...so....amorous
    it seems to me,
    and we seemed in perfect harmony.

    image broken.
    feed cut.
    heart shattered.
    door shut.


    The walls that seemed so strong and true,
    by treachery were sacked and burned.
    the joy that we once had anew
    is lost, forever, and bitterly yearned.
    now all thats left of that once proud,
    the once-grand ramparts of shining gold
    expected but to age now seem,
    to fall demolished, dead and cold,
    as you are now to me. usurped town.

    no laughter left. its over now.




    Submitted on 2005-11-16 22:39:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i liked the contrast between the wall imagery with the longer lines and stanzas, and the sharp, short stanzas

    i also like your memory's eye, it was a cool image and it came across well

    very effective :) i really enjoyed reading this
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by charl_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      Each line is really clean and neat. I liked the way the stanza structure reglected the mood. It builds the tension and releases it really well. I bet it feells really good now to be package it up and post it now as something that has ended. i dont mind the citadel allegory at all, overall this is really good quality.
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by Lafferty | [ Reply to This ]



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