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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Assassindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 635
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1014



    Description:
       Initially this had its genesis in a sex-crime committed by a local soldier operating as a peacekeeper in Bosnia. Generally it has come to represent the predatory nature of those who kill under the banner of a just cause simply for the pleasure of bloodletting.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAssassindots
    -------------------------------------------


    The prince cries out-
    this mad malevolence
    must be fed a bullet's
    stone telemetry, a
    sharp blow billeted, paints
    a pretty pattern round the
    head, glossy pink stars:
    constellations crawl like liquid
    ministries, rainbows
    little children sketch
    on walls near cemeteries.

    Think of it as
    war, think of it as
    a sensuous crescendo played
    to the resplendent
    beat of a nuclear device,
    mushrooming into a lovely
    fissionable dance with the
    time honored multitude of vice,
    each betray a whispery intent
    thermocoupled in a stirring brew
    rough sex, death threats
    live flesh cooking in a
    stew, where would the
    battle be without an adversary?
    Where would my blood-stained
    love find peace without victims
    wondrous as you?

    Let my dark angel
    call and I will come
    numb, in the wet
    unsteady dawn.




    Submitted on 2005-11-17 01:18:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Where would my blood-stained
    love find peace without victims
    wondrous as you?


    amazing.


    This poem builds and builds...frantic, desperate, graphic. It's blunt, it's frenetic, it doesn't flow so much as flood upon the reader...but perhaps this fits perfectly the desperate act and nature of the sex crime it portrays?

    I have images in my head of some over-stressed, disillusioned soldier taking it out on some civilian in the desperation of wartime, the civilian looking for an explanation for how things can possibly get worse after so much loss already, and the soldier pissed at everything and thinking all is fair in war.

    I was in Bosnia during the troubles, I'm not a soldier, nor a rapist, but this poem still held some significance for me.

    very powerful.
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... I usually do not make comments when I don't have any major criticisms to make, but I felt the need to say something after you've commented on a number of my pieces... The one thing I will say is that you're constant use of over the top vocabulary makes me picture a big thesaurus open on your desk at all times...

    It also had so much descriptive language that the original point of this piece becomes lost on the reader... I had to remind myself of your stated meaning above at the end just to make sense of it all and I believe that most if not all casual readers would be scratching their heads if not for your description.

    Your words came together well to paint an image in my mind and the subtle rhyming and general eloquence of the language made this piece enjoyable though. I just wish that everything was better linked together. Once again, the point of the piece became lost somewhere in the midst of big words and grand metaphors.

    That's just my opinion though. Please take it in good faith.

    -Chris Meckes Jr.
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, rws, intense write. Wher should I begin to comment on the detrimental affects of war. Who are truly the victims? Children? The assailants or those proclaiming justice?

    This bears morbid images of warring countries and the aftermath of it all. I believe that the greatest sufferers are the children who are innocent in this incident and are taught to hate others because the teachings instilled in their minds. In the Middle East, children are trained for war from 4 yrs and up. In the area where I live there is a store and on the side of the counter the owner has several family members one of which is his son with a rifle in his hands and he is about 5 to 6 years old.

    I left the store disheartened and full of unpleasant images. How can parents put their children in such horrid circumstances knowing the outcome of it all?

    Sad.

    I enjoyed reading, love Saby~*~
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      I want to commend you on the bluntness in this. You weren't afraid to tell it EXACTLY how it is. That adds even more to the piece. I get tired of seeing people try to change a person's write...or somehow feeling offended by it. This is your style and one should appreciate you for just that. Not everybody like's the same author.

    Bravo on this. It was dark, eerie, and well written!

    Much love,

    Li
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      It worked for me. I wonder though, how you'd go with no description...I'd simply be interested in the interpretations you would get...just a thought.

    It was dark, bleak, and cut the throat of the poor little lamb who was stupid enough to stand still long enough.

    I liked it.

    be happy

    graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm impressed, but I do agree that your style is a bit overdone and hard to swollow. I like each seprate line - a 'sensuous cresendo' was a personal favorite, and other places as well, but I think you need to stream-line just a little. I really love your use of vivid imagery and truely original wording. I would almost suggest that there is enough here for two good poems, but it is your work and your time and effort that would have to go into it, so I'll just think it instead. :D
    A true masterpeice, though, with a little spit-shining.
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]
      there's all sorts of malopropism's in here buddy. Here would be my initial 'thoughts' so to speak: theres too much here and not enough of it holds congruence. it doesnt mesh well at all and theres really a complete lack of coherence as far as where you're going with this aside from the idea of someone like getting shot in the head...? as a reader i'm left baffled and its not because the words are too big :) lol
    thanks for the read, and keep writing
    key wester
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ]


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