Love Song by rws

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Submission Name: Love Song dots

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Author:	rws
ASL Info:	49/m/ohio
Elite Ratio:	8 - 2092/1040/206
Words:	87

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	278
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	683

Description:
For those who
claim I've no
clarity to match
each myopic vision,
pull up a chair
and enjoy the funhouse:
madness is now
in session.

Love Song dots

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We claim faith
in what we desire
though love dismember
us in unkempt thickets;
scalpels serrate our
fingertips, still
moths drawn suicidally
to flame embrace
the end of days
as if beginning.

Shall I carve you
from the tomb
grown round you
like the parapet of
an abandoned post;
a madman's solitary
castle? Is this the
reason seasons sing
of sinning with those
they desire most?

End to deadest
end with each
dull streetlamp
glowing, possessed
by firefly animulae;
hello, I must be going.

Submitted on 2005-11-18 02:03:47 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I'm with "Daniel" on this you definitly got a diffrent style. You lost me on some parts like I dont know what "scalpels" are. Guess I'm just dumb. But it was a good write I liked the story even if I didnt understand it all.
| Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by DrewDilla | [ Reply to This ]
  You definitely have a style of your own and demand a lot from the reader. This smacks of someone who has been burned by love's flame once too often.

My favorite part is the last stanza where the scene reveals a bitter man whose voice rings out from the shadows and is heard to say "[censored] that [censored], I've had enough"

Very clever and as phantom said it contains the sort of complexity that is often found in a sonnet.

Excellent imagery...and poem.

DB
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  Have you ever read Emily Dickenson?!
This smacks so much of her difficult to decifer prose. Not to mention the way she tends to double cross, mesmerize, and/or suckerpunch you at the ending. Like the slightly un sane thoughts that pop up in my head at night, this makes no sense, yet I understand it. Then, of course, when I think about it again, all comprehension flies from my head and my thoughts are all tangled up.
Just like the bumper sticker, "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!"
Just one question: is this about being crazy in love, or being in love with being crazy?
| Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  Before I read this i had the best of intentions at delivering some constructive criticism...but I'm just plain gobsmacked. This feels like it was composed hundreds of years ago, and in general i feel like you're just on a whole different level to what I'm able to achieve with poetry. I don't know whether that's because you spend longer writing them or whether it's just some God given talent, but I know I'm envious. So good for so many reasons.

| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
  This is incredibly well put together
I loved this
This write is deeply moving
I see this as an extremely spiritual poem
You wrote this perfectly
The Light yes it carries beautiful emotion
And i really loved how you showed the Light which is Gods Greatest gift
carries us to eternal life
This is easily a new favorite
Take Care
and
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I catch myself saying ooh and ah as I read through this.

This is well said. It is the type of write that you read repeatedly to enjoy the feel and soak up the images and yet pull back from their stark nature.

It is obviously dark, as imagine madness might be. The images maintain a reality in their surreal nature.

The words her stand alone for their clever construction. The meaning simply oozes from them.

Nicely done!

Chrystine
| Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  Beutiful work... Indeed, lust without love is lacking and pointless and generally leads to trouble in the future... The potential for disaster increases with each encounter until the time comes for relationships and entire lives to implode... And all the while we know... We know what will happen. We tempt fate and keep things loose and carefree until someone gets hurt... Oh God, I hope I'm not completely off base on this one... The metaphors and decriptive language were simply beautiful, though sometimes a bit too elusive for me to fully grasp. After all, only the writer can understand every piece of figurative language in a piece. Still, I enjyed every bit of this, and it's rare for me to honestly love every bit of what I'm reading... Excellent work
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]
  I really enjoyed your poem here. I’ll tell you how I interpreted it first, so you’ll have grounds on which to judge my comments.

First, I must admit understanding something so figurative is difficult. Unfortunately, I couldn’t decipher all of the metaphors, but I think I realized most of them.

Lines 1-4 can be considered the outcome of lust. When in a relationship, couples always “claim faith” in their desire for one another. Yet, under this pretense of mutual attraction there is, on the contrary, often a lack love reality. These couples will eventually have sex, but since it is done for lust and not for love, they will be left feeling unsatisfied and emotionally trodden. Love will thus disappoint and end by “dismembering” the couple along mutually “unkempt thickets.” In the remaining portion of the stanza, the moth motif is first cited. This motif compares such lack love lovers to moths, saying they are drawn to the “flame embrace” of another, failing to realize how moribund their relationship already is.

Unfortunately I can’t offer a comprehensive explanation of the second stanza.

The final stanza expresses the futility of the dating game. The narrator does so by comparing one such lover to a moth (motif) that wanders from dead end to dead end, attracted by dull lights (relatively unattractive relationships), but focusing on the firefly that blows him off instantly. (a second interpretation of this stanza is the character just gives up on dating and rejects even the attractive “light” of the firefly that comes to him)

My thoughts:

1) I liked all the metaphors and motifs; unfortunately I didn’t understand the parapet tomb grown around you one. It’s a nice line, nonetheless.

2) “scalpels serrate” our fingertips was another one that wasn’t wholly clear, though I think I understand it. Was “serrate” the best verb choice?

3)like I said about the second stanza, I couldn’t grasp this metaphor.

4)conclusion is great, I like the “end to deadest / end with each / dull streetlamp / glowing” lines. I could not, however, find an entry for “animulae” in any of the several dictionaries I checked.

I really did like this poem, in fact it made the favorites list. If you’d be willing to fill in the gaps of my comprehension (as much as is possible), I’d love to hear more.

Later
Luke
| Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by thescarletabyss | [ Reply to This ]

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