The lighting of the mystic moon
Brings me hope that he’ll come soon
Then Clouds of hate start rolling in
And the storm has just begin
The thunder starts up
As lightning comes down
All is a blaze
With a thick haze
Fear starts filling my head
He’s probably dead
All Alone all be
Please, oh please help me
Tears fill my eyes
My mind is filled with Why’s
I pick up a knife
In the hart I do stab
The a dark shadow appears
My knight is now here
But I will soon die
As my mind Filled with why’s
| Ok, I picked your write which had the least comments to read and I don't regret it. This write reminded me of Morrissey lyrics because its written in a style which is very indirect, which is good because it leaves the reader free to interpret things differently, and thus, resulting in a write which everyone should have an opinion on. However, the amount of comments on this write would suggest otherwise...|
Anyway, I think the point where it gets un-Morrissey-ish is the third to last stanza. By being very direct, I think it goes against the style of the write so far, and the same applies to the following stanza, although its not as striking. That's just my opinion, I think the rest is spot on and couldn't be any better. A little re-writing would work wonders for this.
|| Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ] || i like the feeling of this poem, the questioning. i think there are parts of it that work well, but then there aer some parts where the rhyme really seems to detract from the feelign and distract the reader. it feels very forced at parts. such as here: 'Then Clouds of hate start rolling in |
And the storm has just begin'
it doesn't even make sense really grammatically, and though you get the point i think that saying it so that it makes sense would make more of an impact for the poem than the rhyme does. but hey, that's just me. i'm always encouraging people to drop the rhyme. i just think that it's worth a shot and you might be suprised with how powerful it can be!
|| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by colerinja | [ Reply to This ] || thanx for your comment! this poem is really profound. you have found a really effective way of putting emotion into your poems, making them seem realistic, which is ALWAYS good!|
your repetition is good too! you have found different methods of saying the same thing, without it sounding exactly the same as before!
|| Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by bambi144 | [ Reply to This ] |