My Playground by LoneWolf

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Submission Name: My Playground dots

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Author:	LoneWolf
ASL Info:	16/F/Earth
Elite Ratio:	4.35 - 136/108/19
Words:	122

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	211
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	801

Description:
i don't really know what i'm trying to say... i think..
ah well, read and enjoy! lol pause at the commas cuz they sometimes stand for beats so it'll flow better.. hehe i'm a bad writer... but getting better!

My Playground dots

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a playground sits, forgotten
ropes on the swings are rotten
broken slides and monkey bars
covered in graffitied scars
here the skies are always dark
burnt down trees with blackened bark
my private world now stands neglected
reflecting how i feel rejected
pushed away by those i love
frowned upon by those above
i sit and swing on molding seats
into myself, i now retreat
i'd rather be numb than open my eyes
i'd rather be dead and say good bye
i'm tired of hate and weary of pain
sick of covering by acting insane
so i sit and swing through eternal night
ready to give in without a fight
swallow me up, evening sky
i think i'm finally, ready to die

Submitted on 2005-11-18 17:23:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  oh wow, this was amazing. the flow was perfect and the 'graffiti scar' imagry was ingenious. the ryhme was nearly flawless. the only thing i could see you improving on here is your rythm(sp?). otherwise, awsome piece!
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by LivingShadow | [ Reply to This ]
  I would definately not call you a bad writer
You are actually quite good
In this write I saw a person who was trying to recapture the innocense of childhhod
It was written very well
I saw myself going high on a swing as a child being pushed by my mother and father
Great Write
Take Care
Ron
| Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  You're a bad writer? I disagree. I loved every word of it. It is written perfectly and the flow and rhyming are marvelous too. You are awesome. All the descriptions actually made me say "wow." I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. You described it perfectly. I love the title too. I have nothing but compliments for you (if you couldnt already tell lol). Very nicely done. Great job

If you got one good thing going for you now, its your writing. Dont be so hard on yourself (what am i saying? im the same way... ehhh i never take my own advice...) You have a lot of talent, and it really shows. I hope things start looking up for you though. Cause from your poem, it sounds like it's pretty gloomy (nice way of saying terrible. Im all medicated this evening, therefore i am happy, so Im feeling kind of positive. Im not naturally like this... Im really a mess. But this feels way better ) Anywho, Im done rambling now... Ive got a LOT of free time on my hands this evening. Oh boyy. Well, have an excellent night

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a very powerful piece indeed and I loved it! The imagry in this one was your own and yet very depressing. I loved how you got your point across without mentioning cutting or suicide in itself at all until the end...even then you didn't directly refer exaclty. This was brilliant and I think you know exactly what you meant...possibly just not where your inspiration for it came from? in any case this was great and I'll be sure to add it to favorites and read some more from you, however, I do have a favor to ask assuming I credit you would you mind if I wrote this on paper? it's very deep and I'd like to ponder it more on some days when I need something such as this...it'd be an honor if you don't mind. Great write. keep writing.
Peace
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this was really powerful. It conveyed to me exactly what you are feeling, which I find extremly hard to do. I think it was really well written and it flowed perfectly.

Good Job

Tink
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]
  Neatly done! Very nice indeed, I had no problems with your couplet rhyming in this at all, which is pretty hard to do with short lines.

You paint a pictute of total depression, and certainly get the feeling across well.

For rhythm's sake, I'd make a few changes, but I'll only tell you if you're interested, if you're happy with it then go for it.

Well done, very well done

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]

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