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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: new gamedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 951
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 748



    Description:
       Another sonnet* inspired by one by glasshill called ''playmates''I hope its not too similar.
    * this is a ''Shakespearian '' or ''English" sonnet that is; fourteen lines of iambic pentameter with a rhyme scheme of ABAB CDCD EFEF and a concluding rhyming couplet GG

    so I can't just cut out the last two lines but maybe I could rewrite them... but I'd rather not.....KOTC


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsnew gamedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The morning swimming in your brimming eyes
    Is full of promise as the new day breaks
    Twin fires reflecting endless sun-filled skies
    Two worlds that shimmer in those deep blue lakes

    We'll go together into the morning
    A childhood friendship on a new born day
    No place for tears in this new world dawning
    Like whispered kisses, let them fade away

    We'll walk to hills that shine as bright as glass
    And the bejewelled playground in the sun
    And to the far off fields with beaded grass
    For this new game is ours, and just begun

    Maybe you trust too much, I will admit
    If I'm too cautious now, well, so be it.





    Submitted on 2005-11-18 18:44:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this one.

    The lines and rhymes feel sooth to me. In my mind I hear the Bard speaking them.

    I like the last two lines as cntrast to the others. Just me, but I'd keep them.

    Very nice.
    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a strong poem that carried well all the way thru
    The last two lines could have been a little stronger but even with them it still flows well
    A very good write
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this except I'm not too sure about the last lines... I feel the poem would be perfect with those two lines out. It feels like you were about to lead onto another poem, which, you may be... I love the feeling you give this like the feeling of new love happiness and feeling each other out Very Sweet and hope to hear more Peace Mysterious
    | Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Mysterious Blue | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of that line in Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl": "Down in the hollow playing a new game." This is really nice. Your work is very good even though I don't normally like rhyme. The first and third stanzas are nearly perfect. I don't think you need they hyphen in far off, and I think the way you're using "may be" that it should be one word. Great work, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      This had a very tranquil feel that puts the reader in a great state of mind from your first line. I'd have to agree with maybe dropping the last two lines...they do seem a bit out of place becuase they don't give literal imagry and connections but instead metabolical which isn't the obvious view of your first part. Besides that though this was very well written.great write. keep writing.
    Peace
    *VI hesitation*
    | Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it , haven't read the one by Glasshill so I wouldn't know how alike they are but this is very well done, beautiful imagery and a very peaceful vibe...my only suggestion might be to drop the last couple lines, for some reason they just didn't seem to roll with the rest of it, just a thought, other than that, nicely done...

    Milo
    | Posted on 2005-11-18 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]
      Is not the purpose of the final couplet, to contrast the thoughts produced it the previous verses.
    Each stanza has its unique job to do in a Sonnet, I'm not sure right now without my 'book'.
    I do belive a literature class might be needed to pre-explain these 'old styles' before commenting is allowed.
    But what I read here is two childhood sweethearts and a new game(love maybe) of friendship whatever, and the final couplet tells us 'You' are cautious, maybe about the others trusting too much.
    Am I off course here?
    LATER.
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]


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