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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: warm in winterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1367
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 787



    Description:
       this is a rewrite of a 'sonnet' that needed to be made 'proper' with iambic pentameter


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswarm in winterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wake again; another golden day.
    This morning's sky is dawning rose and gold.
    Granite glows and gleams though it's really grey,
    And strong east winds keep blowing cruel and cold

    Close to myself, I clutch sweet delusion,
    That summer sun still shines, although I know,
    The fire's fierce heat can create illusion.
    The world out there is warm 'though cold winds blow.

    I wear my gloves and don a scarlet scarf,
    My collar's up against the winter chill
    I make believe this weather's just a laugh
    Accept that this is just a bitter pill

    Keep up this game, and like a grinning fool
    I convince myself, that cold winter's 'cool'




    Submitted on 2005-11-19 20:01:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I can feel the swoooooooosh of a blast from the north, and see your smiling grin.
    This too shall pass, is my motto when it come November, and soon the little colts foot will be blooming along the roads and stream beds.
    Alas too the heat of 'ol summer will be blistering our neck making us wish for some 'cool' breezes
    A great write here, I loved it imensly.
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh do I like this
    To me it speaks of how we try to protect ourselves and hide from the negativity the world is throwing at us
    I really like how you called it a bitter pill
    This was powerful
    Very well written
    Take Care
    Ron


    And to you and your Family I wish A Very Happy Thanksgiving
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad at all, or pretty good. Both are the exclaimation I made when I finished it. I dig that last line.
    Keep up this game, and like a grinning fool
    I convince myself, that cold winter's 'cool'
    That was really good. Short and sweet. You must keep a muse in your back pocket.
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Silver20G | [ Reply to This ]
      Short write, but all together Effective, I like the theme a lot even though I am a dark type of writer, but who cares about me this is about you, and your write. AWESOME IMAGERY, I really really like the imagery in this write, it's like I could taste the snow... heh wait actually I can. lol. anyway.

    "I wake again; another golden day.
    This morning's sky is dawning rose and gold.
    Granite glows and gleams though it's really grey,
    And strong east winds keep blowing cruel and cold"

    - This is a perfect opening stanza in my mind... but that is my mind. I like the fact that you also are taking this in a first person prespective instead of a third person, not many people do that for these kind of writes.

    "Close to myself, I clutch sweet delusion,
    That summer sun still shines, although I know,
    The fire's fierce heat can create illusion.
    The world out there is warm 'though cold winds blow."

    - I believe in this you are saying, "there is agony and strife in this, but, I have gone insane so it doesn't matter"... that is what I got so yeah

    "I wear my gloves and don a scarlet scarf,
    My collar's up against the winter chill
    I make believe this weather's just a laugh
    Accept that this is just a bitter pill

    Keep up this game, and like a grinning fool
    I convince myself, that cold winter's 'cool'"

    - In these last two Stanzas you basically say that you have overcome the worst of the cold and you win... but who am I to tell the writer...

    These are your words, I can't make you change them... not that I would because I really like this write. so yeah Keep writing and THNX

    - Nammy
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      A very sweet read and a nice ending.

    I am in Southern California where it is still 80 degrees in the daytime. It is easy for me to romanticize about the cold from old memories.

    Thanks for taking me there!

    Just a thought, but you might want to play with switching some lines from a passive to an active voice.

    Maybe something like:
    This morning's sky is dawning rose and gold.
    to
    The dawn sky rose and gold.

    Morning and dawning in the same line seem a tad redundant. If it is dawn, it is morning. It doesn't add anything to say it is morning.

    Anyway, I like it! No need to change it unless you want to play with it a bit.

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I think is a good poem, but I kinda feel, no offence intended, that's a bit simple. I don't know whether thatís good or bad. Maybe it could be strength.. Well, I'm just giving you my opinion. I also think that's if the idea was to convey a strong emotion more powerful language could've been used.
    | Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


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