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cheapened grief

Author: sudie
ASL Info:    18/ f / virginia
Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 182 /195 /51
Words: 101
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1011
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 904


somethings not right in the rhythm..

cheapened grief

true grief--
preserved in one’s
distilled heart.
a heart that has
slowed in its pulsing
to a near stop.
freezing all notions
killing emotions
until the one who suffers is numb.

yet it seems
that everyone needs a scar
for show
to prove that their life has some struggle.
everyone must have the saddest
the worst
the most terrible

But when was it
that pain
became a competition?
a genocide of
the internal fight
to stay alive
against the pounding agony
that tatters the soul
of those

Submitted on 2005-11-20 12:13:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  this is the first of yours that i've read and i'm impressed :) very well done. i think i know what's off with your rhythm...i went through and ignored the punctuation and read it again, thinking that the line breaks might dictate their own rhythm, but they didn't, it read too quickly. your punctuation is very sparse in this piece, so if you wanna control the rhythm more, then go back through and put punctuation very deliberately where you want it. i'm not saying you need a flood of commas, but well-placed punctuation will definitely help you out. hope that helps :) and again, very very well done :)
| Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh my goodness girl, this blew me away. I don't think I'll leave a two page response, but holy [censored]! I swear if I weren't surrounded by people I'd probably cry. This is just amazing.
It's definitely one for the favourites. You are such an amazing writer, this piece is just so unbelievable...
I don't know what else to say...I don't know what else I can say.
Never Stop Writing
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  wow I really don’t know how to feel here I have mixed emotions on this write. first I want to say what you asked for I cannot give the critique on rhythm. I will save for that for those who specialized in that area. the message………..

you say “true grief is quiet” I wonder if one could tell that the those who wail over lost loved ones. I wouldn’t ever place question or statement on its authenticity. people grieve in different ways some quiet some rather loudly. do you mean public displays of grief? see I try to understand something with absolute clarity if I can. maybe you mean the pain of grief is quiet and there are some who are not. the rest of this stanza gives to me the feeling more or less the damage of someone’s grief.

I struggle to understand people. the next stanza breaks me out of the that mode into more fairer mind this time it cuts both ways. I do smile at the “everyone needs a scar to show” and to prove their life has…. I’ll just put battles for short. this does ring true here and yet has me feeling two ways. one I do see how many have the woe is me attitude and are saying how much pain they are in and how life well life just plain sucks. the other side of it is I feel many are trying to reach out for someone who can understand/connect that is something that is hard to ignore. people treat other folks who are in pain rather cruelly. its either apathy or snide remarks. even I screw up sometimes when I get nervous and being humorous make jokes not cutting ones but still it is inappropriate. I cannot bring myself to say this is not without authenticity. that is why I try so hard to avoid the word “real” real women, men, etc. but like I said before I will say it again this does have truth in it.

pain as a competition….hmmm I can see that too. but I try to reserve doubts on a specific person in pain. we all hurt in ways. many of us do feel that there are very few that could understand and plenty who don’t care at all to. this is the direction that this world is heading toward. grief whether it be silent or loud is still grief it doesn’t need to have another say it is real or not. either a person reaches out or they don’t. now I do think it is a splendid write, those words are used effectively, how else could you have such a response? and there is a lot of biting truth in it. maybe I’ve missed many things here I am always open to that. take care and be blessed,

| Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very direct write that speaks volumes of truth.

The need for rhyme is not always true in this type of write. Sometimes the placements of words create their own flow and come off with a very nice feel.
I think that you have done a good job on this.

The thing with rhyming is that once you start to create a poem that has rhymes you tend have no place to go unless you stay with the rhymes.

So, pat your yourself on the back and enjoy.

Ok, pain is an everyday type of thing for everyone. There have been many sayings that enhance the use of pain in a metaphoric way to achieve something in life. (No Pain No Gain). The more pain involved the bigger the achievement. To goes to the core of human existence.
It is also amazing that a scar is accepted as a trophy in many cultures. The bigger the scar the higher the stature. Goes to point out the bigger the scar the mare pain involved.

Society has also made it easier to accept pain. When everything that goes wrong is due to some kind of illness. If no illness exists then one will be created.

People that really do have pain in their lives are left to compete against a hypochondriatic society.

Sorry, Sometimes I ramble.

Remember, this is only my opinion.

Very nicely done.

Respect and Admiration

| Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]

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