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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: One Delightfully Strange Nightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ethan Brody
    ASL Info:    35 - M - Chile
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 443/206/79
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 879
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 702



    Description:
       I wrote this a couple of days prior to "One Magic Night" and I strongly feel they are related somehow.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Delightfully Strange Nightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was walking home one night
    With music in my ears
    And out of the blue something struck me
    Something unreal
    I felt as if I were in the moon
    Everything was perfect
    The world was not doomed.

    “Lights will guide you home”, he said
    And they did the lights up there.

    I walked up through a ladder
    Blissfully aware
    That what I was feelling
    Was out of the earth
    And I kept on strolling
    Hoping to get
    The mysterious glow
    That permeated the air

    Then I was here
    And I stopped to see
    That there was a light at the end indeed.





    Submitted on 2005-11-20 13:10:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think

    .
    I think the idea hear is a nice one, but your content (at certain points) is getting dangerously close to the cliché words most people are writing these days.


    But i did so enjoy the ladders though, along with the air and the bliss.


    ~
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by orderly conduct | [ Reply to This ]
      It can be more surreal, here's how i think.

    I was walking home one night
    With music in my ears
    And out of the blue something hit(why Hit?)
    Something surreal

    using sureal twice here, doesn't work. or else lose the word surreal. won't say it. they'll feel it. saying the word jsut trivializes it. and also, HIT? it hit you? something drifted in, hinted, hummed, whispered, why hit?

    I felt as if I were in the moon
    Everything was perfect
    The world was not doomed.

    -in the moon? on the moon? perfecT? that T is intentional/ prefect is a mechanical word, hard consonants give things an angular, proper, mechanical feel. a surreal feeling flows from soft, rolling sounds and rythme. also, saying the world wasn't doomed sounds grandoise. forget teh world. that's a phrase people use when they want to say everyone, everything. it's not a phrase that feels anything. how was a 7 year old say the world wasn't doomed? that's wat you need for a surreal feeling.

    “Lights will guide you home”, he said
    And they did the lights per se.

    the second line's grammar is strange.
    who's he? i kinda like he floating there, but you might want re incorporeate it later, to give it a feelign of slow revelation. the second line defintely needs to be straightened though.

    I walked up through a ladder<---(ladder, hard word, through? walked up is strange enough)

    I walked up a ladder,
    walked towards the sky

    hows that? that what you mean?

    Blissfully aware
    That what I was felling(<--- falling? feeling?)
    Was out of the earth
    And I kept on strolling
    Hoping to get
    The mysterious glow
    That permeated the air

    This glow that permeated is a location, an aura. generally, mvoe from aura's to details. this poem is repeatedly general, which means it never quite locks in. start witht he aura, move to the little details inside the rabbit hole, that'll give it more pull to teh reader.

    Then I was here
    And I stopped to see
    That there was a light at the end indeed.

    I really like this ending because it is so simple and so without explanation.

    there was a light indeed.

    i did enjoy yoru poem, just wanted to return favor you did for me with critiques, please do not take it personally.

    Moot
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one a lot, but I agree that it could be more surreal. It doesn't even sound melancholic as it's written (even at the beginning). I think that "music in my ears" would be a better way to say it. I'm not sure about "in the moon" either, but you could have felt like the man in the moon. You also misspelled "feeling." This reminds me a bit of my poem called Burn Impatiently Toward Light . Anyway, nicely done, but I don't think the title fits, and it could be far more intense, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      ...Interesting. Is this really describing death? I dunno. I was caught up in the words and sort of missed the meaning. You know--anticipation was blinding my comprehension skills. :3

    Good write though.
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Mieko | [ Reply to This ]
      Not too bad at all, describing death.

    You could probably work on making it a bit more "surreal" as the descriptions of what happens come across sort of plainly, but I quite enjoyed your idea with this one.
    Well done, and welcome to ES!

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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