I was walking home one night With music in my ears And out of the blue something hit(why Hit?) Something surreal
using sureal twice here, doesn't work. or else lose the word surreal. won't say it. they'll feel it. saying the word jsut trivializes it. and also, HIT? it hit you? something drifted in, hinted, hummed, whispered, why hit?
I felt as if I were in the moon Everything was perfect The world was not doomed.
-in the moon? on the moon? perfecT? that T is intentional/ prefect is a mechanical word, hard consonants give things an angular, proper, mechanical feel. a surreal feeling flows from soft, rolling sounds and rythme. also, saying the world wasn't doomed sounds grandoise. forget teh world. that's a phrase people use when they want to say everyone, everything. it's not a phrase that feels anything. how was a 7 year old say the world wasn't doomed? that's wat you need for a surreal feeling.
“Lights will guide you home”, he said And they did the lights per se.
the second line's grammar is strange. who's he? i kinda like he floating there, but you might want re incorporeate it later, to give it a feelign of slow revelation. the second line defintely needs to be straightened though.
I walked up through a ladder<---(ladder, hard word, through? walked up is strange enough)
I walked up a ladder, walked towards the sky
hows that? that what you mean?
Blissfully aware That what I was felling(<--- falling? feeling?) Was out of the earth And I kept on strolling Hoping to get The mysterious glow That permeated the air
This glow that permeated is a location, an aura. generally, mvoe from aura's to details. this poem is repeatedly general, which means it never quite locks in. start witht he aura, move to the little details inside the rabbit hole, that'll give it more pull to teh reader.
Then I was here And I stopped to see That there was a light at the end indeed.
I really like this ending because it is so simple and so without explanation.
there was a light indeed.
i did enjoy yoru poem, just wanted to return favor you did for me with critiques, please do not take it personally.
I like this one a lot, but I agree that it could be more surreal. It doesn't even sound melancholic as it's written (even at the beginning). I think that "music in my ears" would be a better way to say it. I'm not sure about "in the moon" either, but you could have felt like the man in the moon. You also misspelled "feeling." This reminds me a bit of my poem called Burn Impatiently Toward Light . Anyway, nicely done, but I don't think the title fits, and it could be far more intense, Amy