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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forgetting Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: manderz_1207
    ASL Info:    15/f/mi
    Elite Ratio:    5.45 - 95/109/38
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 742
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 902



    Description:
       fantasy or reality? Not sure I just started writing and although some of it pretains to my feelings after my last break up I think that most of it is fantasy that has just come into my thoughts.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForgetting Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wish I may I wish I might,
    wish upon this star tonight.
    For my stars to make my wishes come true.
    If only for a moment, I could have to be with you.

    To be in your arms,
    being held tight with love and comfort.
    To have those special whispers,
    we never speak of.

    To be able to see you,
    and not break down.
    To be able to see you,
    and not make a sound.

    For sounds are not good,
    when you're here where I am.
    So far gone away from you,
    I've lost your hand.

    I'll never share those things with you,
    the things we once shared.
    These dreams of mine I thought were true,
    no longer seem to be of you.

    I will follow my dreams, hopes and prayers,
    who knows, someday maybe you'll be there.





    Submitted on 2005-11-20 20:14:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      oh my god i love this poem. ive made poems along the line of 'i wish i may i wish i might' and i love the way yours turned out. its a really beautiful poem and it has very strong passion and the vocab is okay. you sortof lost your rhyming in one part of the stanzas but it wasnt a big deal because overall i loved this poem. and yes..YES im definately adding it to favorites. hunni i hope to read other poems from you in the near future. also keep on writing because you have a nice unique talent. its also like a breathe of fresh air to hear something happy once in a while. very good job and keep it up. love always jen.
    P.S.the genre of this i think would be love you find in fantasy's <333
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by DontLetGo421 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a deep and emotional write
    I would look carefully at the middle of this write as it kind of drawls away from the main theme
    i However like the begining lines to this as it adds a kind of innocent feeling to this write
    I will be looking for more of your writes
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Mandy….ok on this write, right off the mark, I would take out that first stanza. it is much too Disney. unless you are going for cute and want to capture a popular nursery rhyme but I wouldn’t go there. just my humble opinion, you can tell me to bite through a live wire and make a new hairdo. laugh ok? hehe moving on here must maintain professionalism throughout the comment. ok I’ve noticed in this you were drifting from rhyme to almost free verse, like the rhyme bug was buzzing around you. its time to use rhyme bug bee gone! ha ha ok sorry I would go with one or the other ~unless~ you want some order to your rhyme and non-rhyming lines/stanzas. some were near rhymes and others were actual rhymes. counting the present nursery rhyme stanza, stanza four in line one “for sounds are not good” how about this “for sounds are unpleasant” does that sound better? just giving options here, you can always tell me to stab myself in the eye with a number 2 pencil. hmmm same stanza 4 on line 4 “I love your hand.” might I suggest some work there. I mean you can love someone hand, that is ok makes it kind of sound like a strange hand fettish of some kind, but hey to each their own. maybe add “to hold” but then again I get the Beatles in my head for that. I don’t know you’ll figure it out. its nice the message of being with the person and wanting that nice silence and loving to ahem hold hands. just some fixings and add here and there. you do have something to work with here, don’t give up, keep going soldier! this isn’t a coffee break! I want ten metaphoric pushups! and five rendundant jumping jacks! hut two hut two left right left. were gonna make a poet solider out of you yet! take care Mandy, please smile and GET TO WORK!
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a pretty good poem. I dont think I like the opening stanza here though. It lacks originality. This has been said a million times and I dont think it should be word for word in your poem. It takes away from the individuality of your write. Maybe you could keep this general theme or idea, but find your own way of saying it. In the fourth stanza, your final sentence needs to be fixed. I think you meant to say "I've loved your hand". That makes more sense. Overall, this is a good poem of your feelings toward this relationship. You capture your emotions well and except for the first couple of lines here, a nice write. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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