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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Get out of my lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: babytinkerbelle
    ASL Info:    26/f/aus
    Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310/209/42
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 1055
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 793



    Description:
       this poem is for G, A and D. All of them betrayed me.

    I know it probably doesn't flow very well and hardly rhymes but it just sort of fell onto the page before when I was sitting here waiting for a smoko break.

    Any advice on how to fix it would be greatly appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGet out of my lifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tell me what you see
    When you look into my eyes
    Can you see the pain?
    Can you see the shame?

    Tell me what you see
    When you look into my heart
    Can you see itís broken?
    Thousands of little shards

    The hurt was so great,
    Did you feel it?
    You betrayed me
    You only have yourself to blame

    You want to be friends,
    I just canít do that
    Put yourself in my shoes
    Tell me what you would do

    How can I mend my heart?
    When you are always around
    Lurking in the back of my mind
    To remind me of the pain

    Get out of my head
    Itís time I took control,
    I donít want you here
    Just walk out the door, and go.




    Submitted on 2005-11-20 21:02:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like it. I think it flows very nicely. Poems dont have to rhyme (but mine do. Ive tried not rhyming. Appearantly... I cant do it). It shows that you put a lot of feeling into this. My favorite part is:

    "How can I mend my heart?
    When you are always around
    Lurking in the back of my mind
    To remind me of the pain"

    Thats a good question... One Ive been asking for a while. I dont know what else I can say that hasnt already been said. Good luck with everything. Beautifully done. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      good poem ... well i just can say so beacue i am leaviung .. well very emotional and have a good wording
    please if you have time please check out my writings ...Á
    thanks for sharin
    peace and love!
    Victor!
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      Decent poem, good content. Pain and betrayal are things we all feel at some point and you expressed how you felt about them very well. And when a friend delivers the blow, its always much much worse. I sympathize with you on this, and overall a good piece.
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
      I understand your emotions perfectly
    You had people who you thought were good friends stab you in the back

    All I can say is trust me i cant count how many times this has happenend to me

    I personally believe in my case and quite possibly with yours it was people taking advantage of my genorosity

    Know that you will grow from the memories that you remember from this situation
    That way in the future people wont be able to hurt you as easily because you will be prepared
    Take Care
    and
    Please keep in touch
    Dont let this bring you down you are to positive of a person
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      this is full of emotion and is a great piece
    :) and PV is right not all poetry has to ryhme and this flows well without it...sometimes is isnt so restricting when you write in free verse...this says a lot in a few short verses and that is what poetry is about...you certainly convey your feelings and message v.well...well done!..stormy
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      time will heal all wounds. to be betrayed by your loved one hurts. to think you gave them all your love only to have it thrown away. we all wish they could see and fell our pain and sorrows.

    yes it's time to take control. there are good people still out there. we just have to find them, where ever they are.

    suzi.
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by sushi wok | [ Reply to This ]
      i think perhaps swithching the thrird and fourth line would be greatly helpful.
    the last stanza is very powerful though. even if i might be a little finiky about flow, dont really worry about it, since this is my sort of place to vent, as it is for every one else, and you can use it to just get emotions out before they destroy you, rather than let them corrode you from the inside.
    i mean the main thing is that i knew what you were on about, and having only lost one relationship in my life that was destroyed by him, that is really saying something.
    excellent write.
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with with poeticvaisonary it is'nt so much the rhyming thats important in a poem, poetry is there to express feeling thoughts ideas and even storys, and your thoughts rang every clear it all stayed together a flowed every well
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, look, on the poem, it was just fine. Poetry doesnt have to ryhm. It was good full of meaning, and pain. Dont worry about the betrayals, you dont need them Poeople are just carnal minded, in that they wwull normall think of themselves before others. They might not exactly mean to, but they do. And you have to frogive them for their faults, and make amends with it in your heart. Just look at it like you never even knew them, move on. You will persevere. That is what I like about poetry, it is an outlet that really shows your soul. Dont worry about it, you can say that, you have a friend in me. Confide in me, hell Im a stranger, I will give you an unbias answer to anything. Sometimes it is easier to trust strangers with your problems than your friends. Maybe i am wrong who knows, but if you need to just talk to someone, then my aim is Fenderfreak86. So have a good day, and oh btw, good poem.
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by poeticvisionary | [ Reply to This ]


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