Description: this poem is for G, A and D. All of them betrayed me.
I know it probably doesn't flow very well and hardly rhymes but it just sort of fell onto the page before when I was sitting here waiting for a smoko break.
Any advice on how to fix it would be greatly appreciated.
Get out of my life -------------------------------------------
Tell me what you see
When you look into my eyes
Can you see the pain?
Can you see the shame?
Tell me what you see
When you look into my heart
Can you see it’s broken?
Thousands of little shards
The hurt was so great,
Did you feel it?
You betrayed me
You only have yourself to blame
You want to be friends,
I just can’t do that
Put yourself in my shoes
Tell me what you would do
How can I mend my heart?
When you are always around
Lurking in the back of my mind
To remind me of the pain
Get out of my head
It’s time I took control,
I don’t want you here
Just walk out the door, and go.
I like it. I think it flows very nicely. Poems dont have to rhyme (but mine do. Ive tried not rhyming. Appearantly... I cant do it). It shows that you put a lot of feeling into this. My favorite part is:
"How can I mend my heart? When you are always around Lurking in the back of my mind To remind me of the pain"
Thats a good question... One Ive been asking for a while. I dont know what else I can say that hasnt already been said. Good luck with everything. Beautifully done. Great job
good poem ... well i just can say so beacue i am leaviung .. well very emotional and have a good wording please if you have time please check out my writings ...ç thanks for sharin peace and love! Victor!
Decent poem, good content. Pain and betrayal are things we all feel at some point and you expressed how you felt about them very well. And when a friend delivers the blow, its always much much worse. I sympathize with you on this, and overall a good piece.
I understand your emotions perfectly You had people who you thought were good friends stab you in the back
All I can say is trust me i cant count how many times this has happenend to me
I personally believe in my case and quite possibly with yours it was people taking advantage of my genorosity
Know that you will grow from the memories that you remember from this situation That way in the future people wont be able to hurt you as easily because you will be prepared Take Care and Please keep in touch Dont let this bring you down you are to positive of a person Ron
this is full of emotion and is a great piece :) and PV is right not all poetry has to ryhme and this flows well without it...sometimes is isnt so restricting when you write in free verse...this says a lot in a few short verses and that is what poetry is about...you certainly convey your feelings and message v.well...well done!..stormy
time will heal all wounds. to be betrayed by your loved one hurts. to think you gave them all your love only to have it thrown away. we all wish they could see and fell our pain and sorrows.
yes it's time to take control. there are good people still out there. we just have to find them, where ever they are.
i think perhaps swithching the thrird and fourth line would be greatly helpful. the last stanza is very powerful though. even if i might be a little finiky about flow, dont really worry about it, since this is my sort of place to vent, as it is for every one else, and you can use it to just get emotions out before they destroy you, rather than let them corrode you from the inside. i mean the main thing is that i knew what you were on about, and having only lost one relationship in my life that was destroyed by him, that is really saying something. excellent write.
I have to agree with with poeticvaisonary it is'nt so much the rhyming thats important in a poem, poetry is there to express feeling thoughts ideas and even storys, and your thoughts rang every clear it all stayed together a flowed every well
Ok, look, on the poem, it was just fine. Poetry doesnt have to ryhm. It was good full of meaning, and pain. Dont worry about the betrayals, you dont need them Poeople are just carnal minded, in that they wwull normall think of themselves before others. They might not exactly mean to, but they do. And you have to frogive them for their faults, and make amends with it in your heart. Just look at it like you never even knew them, move on. You will persevere. That is what I like about poetry, it is an outlet that really shows your soul. Dont worry about it, you can say that, you have a friend in me. Confide in me, hell Im a stranger, I will give you an unbias answer to anything. Sometimes it is easier to trust strangers with your problems than your friends. Maybe i am wrong who knows, but if you need to just talk to someone, then my aim is Fenderfreak86. So have a good day, and oh btw, good poem.
Submission Name: Get out of my life
