Crashed by eve1684

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Submission Name: Crashed dots

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Author:	eve1684
ASL Info:	24/F/Germany
Elite Ratio:	4.81 - 1798/938/114
Words:	74

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	268
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	507

Description:

Crashed

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Snowflakes are born to die
weeping on the hollow grey ground
in the seas and oceans on this asphalt
the green and red tumbles
drunk of the nothing in the sky
searchlights go, spot on, spot out
feeding, brightening only the concrete
the trees are starving
they have stripped off their clothes
in a hunger for more than monoxide
and their bare fingers tremble
when stars reach their black hands
wishing they wouldn't die

Submitted on 2005-11-21 04:52:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  It has a stripped kinda feel to it. It feels
dry like, your missing something. It made me think. It seems to do what you intended good work.

Joshua
| Posted on 2008-01-25 00:00:00 | by oononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]
  ahh snowflakes again. this time I like them,, they flow and go with the rest of the peice.. in the winter, I like to think that the trees are very much alive, just waiting for spring to let us knw they are!!!
| Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
  Guten Tag!
i think that was a nice short piece with a lot of good imagery! are u a science student by any chance (asphalt, monoxide)...i like the way u've mentioned the trees...
keep writing!
Mihir
| Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by mihir | [ Reply to This ]
  This was an odd poem to say the least and yet, it works well. The imagery is awesome.
-Rob-
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
  I really enjoyed this one Eve, -the imagery of nature struggling in the city streets is both beautiful and yet sad, because the natural living things are suffering, and even the snow loses it's prisine crystalline beauty in moments. In a way this reminds of the human condition also, the certain fading of youth and ultimate death of all things. I think this is so because you almost personify the trees and stars, making them human in some aspects, -and we cannot help but think about our own lives. I loved the stars reaching out to touch the trees.That was so evocative of tenderness and compassion, qualities some people seem to be lacking today.
I liked this a lot.
Sally
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed the imagery in this very much. The mood it emotes is strong and I am drawn to it. The words paint the picture very effectively, nice work.
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
  Let me start out by saying many of my closest friends are trees...

Often when I read poetry that deals heavily in personifation. especially regarding emotive themes, I feel very resistant to it.

That is not the case here, you made it all feel very natural, even obvious, in your presentation of them.

I will spare you my typical "Hey, tou! Use caps and punctuate!" rant because it honestly didn't need it, your word choices carried it easily on their own.

Regarding the line:

"in the seas and oceans on this asphalt"

Did you mean "of this asphalt" instead of "on"? Iwas confused there.

And in line 4: "tumble" instead of "tumbles"?

I liked this piece very much, please post more of them.

Jason The [censored]
| Posted on 2005-12-26 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
  a very desolate and lonely poem. the first line really grabs you, "Snow flakes are born to die", really makes you think that this poem has a message. really good start that.

enjoyed reading it.
| Posted on 2005-12-25 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, this is powerful. it is chilly and lonely,
melancholy... your images are vivid. your ending
is brilliant, really.

nothing to critique here. i want to tuck this away
in my faves because i want to read it again
and again..

peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  I disagree with the thing about changing the word "monoxide". It has a professional, scientific feel to it that grounds your poem to our day and age- it keeps up the modern flair. Asphalt and searchlights, too- whereas with the rest of your poem itkind of transcends age with its lovely, bitter imagery. VERY GOOD!
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
  WOW! This was some serious stuff, I love how you put words together! You should do this professionally. I really loved the part:the trees are starving
they have stripped off their clothes
in a hunger for more than monoxide.
Thanks for the read and if you get a chance come read some of my stuff and tell me what you think ok?
Kelley

| Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  i would have to agree with cigarz. your spacing is the only thing that i can see wrong with this poem. other than that it is a very powerful piece. good job, keep it up
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by frozenflame | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with cuddledumplin on this, I can't find a single thing to criticize with this poem. I love the idea of the snoflakes falling from the sky knowing that they're going to be swallowed up by the city, and that the trees want something more than dirty, filthy, used city air. There are some great metaphors for people's lives in there, if you choose to see it that way. People could assign all sorts of hidden meanings and interpretations to this because the words just lend themselves to that purpose. This is wicked, I love it.

Chers,
Azael
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Anticlownperson | [ Reply to This ]
  A very strong piece, and I like it alot. I would take a look at your line breaks and draw them out, for example:

"in the seas and oceans on this asphalt"
vs,
"in the seas and oceans
on this asphalt"

as well as:

"searchlights go,
spot on,
spot out
feeding,
brightening only the concrete"

Now, monoxide, though an appropriate word, lends less to poetic interpretation as the other words you have used. Consider revising.

All in all, a great piece! Thanks for sharing!

Todd
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
  This has a not of nice imagery. I like the image of searchlights on the melted snow and the starving, naked trees. It's cool how the stars reach for them (since "reach for the stars" is a cliché). I always love when people turn clichés inside out like that. "they have stripped off their clothes/ in a hunger for more than monoxide" makes it sound like the trees are aroused, and that's definately unique. I'm sorry, but I can't think of anything critical. I know you want some criticism, but I can't think of any. If I do, I'll come back and post. I hope you're well, Amy
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

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