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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Secrets of Gotha Castledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wretched_muse
    ASL Info:    27/f/OH
    Elite Ratio:    4 - 182/205/64
    Words: 770
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4208



    Description:
       the first paragraph that is in brackets is how the paragraph was in the original posting. the one underneath is how i have fixed it. if you would compare and tell me if the second one is worse or better. id be grateful. thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Secrets of Gotha Castledots
    -------------------------------------------


    -Chapter 1-
    {The forbidding and deserted Gotha castle, (named for the richest family in Corena) was built in the early 16th century. Since all of the Gotha blood line was deceased, no one really knew the exact year. The family being wiped out by long ago invaders that fell upon the town, leaving the village in despair and the castle vacant, destined for ruins. 1794 still leaves the castle surrounded by the shadows of skeleton trees and decaying leaves, standing upon the hilltop, outside of the window belonging to the daughter of a deceased innkeeper. The castle stood up on the hill as if it was part of the earth and sky itself. The gray stones, broken windows, and missing shingles of the castle blended perfectly with the gloomy, freezing rain that fell over the land in late November.}


    The forbidding and deserted Gotha castle, (named for the richest family in Corena) was built in the early 16th century. all of the Gotha blood line was deceased now, the entire family being wiped out by long ago invaders that fell upon the town. Raiding then leaving the village in despair the castle was left vacant, destined for ruins. Now in the year 1794 still the castle raised in the shadows of skeleton trees and decaying leaves, standing upon a hilltop, outside of the window belonging to the daughter of a deceased innkeeper. The castle stood as if it was part of the earth and sky itself. The gray stones, broken windows, and missing shingles of the castle blended perfectly with the gloomy, freezing rain that fell over the land in late November.
    What an odd chain of events , Julia thought . She stared out of her bedroom window, reflecting on all that had happened to her over the past few days, relating to Gotha castle. Julia could hear the sounds of Alexi, (her brotherís best friend) quietly pacing in the room next to hers. She slowly and reluctantly pulled herself away from the window and itís cryptic sights to go and sit upon the bed. Julia could not help but feel a chill go through her body. As she sat down realizing how wet she was from the rain she had walked through to arrive home.
    On the night she went up to the castle the weather had started to change. A gray cloud seemed to fall on the castle, as Julia started her journey up the hill to fetch her troublesome brother, Erik, from wondering the castle grounds at night. All day Julia had made her way up the steep hill, over small streams, broken tree branches, past thorn bushes that caught on her long and flowing garments, made of a blue cotton. When she would stop to pry the thorns from her garments all she would succeed in doing was creating small gashes in her hands. By the time she reached the threshold of the castle Julia was cursing her brother through gaspís of air, a and attempting to adjust her tightly tied corset that was all to popular for the young ladies at the time.
    Once she had caught her breath, Julia stood up straight, rubbed her hands for warmth, and looked around at her surroundings. Never had she been so close to the castle before, but now during the final rays of sunlight that pierced through the large gray clouds above, Julia could not help but stare more closely at the worn-down stones of the castle structure, and its magnificent twin towers that dominated the west and east corners of the building. But most of all, Julia couldnít remove her eyes away from the threshold that she stood under. Staring closely at carvings all along the bordering of the door, depicting demons, gargoyles and vines of ivy. It looked as if the engraved ivy had ensnared the gargoyles by their wings to tie them down and the demons were held by their tails, and horns,. causing and un-written ďDO NOT ENTERĒ sign. Julia was definitely starting to feel that she was unwanted there.
    Not thinking of why she was even there she began to back away from the door , when it opened inward and two tan muscular arms reached out of the doorway, grabbing her by her slender, narrow shoulders, pulling her inside. Hearing the door slam behind her, she was plunged into total darkness and the realization that she was trapped.




    Submitted on 2005-11-21 10:22:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ok, the piece is nice, a good idea anyway...but you have A LOT of grammatical errors that makes it hard to read, as well as confusing. There are a few things that im confused on however...who exactly is julia? is she the innkeepers daughter? if so, she wouldn't have such garments, expecially a corset, they were very expensive. why was her brother up at the castle? there had to be some reason he was there. even if it is just to explore, that needs to b e stated. and, if julia is from money, she wouldn't be the one going out to find him. but if she isn't, then again, the clothing descriptions are bad. be more clear on who exactly she is, maybe give more background on her. you jump from history of the castle (which i have to say is amazing, as well as the description) straight to julia and we have no idea who she is. just a few suggestions, dont take them to heart.
    _Kat
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a neat piece. I want to know more about the castle, I have an idea of it, but I want you to show me what it looks like, dont tell me.

    The story itself is fine. I would suggest some revision, and reworking of sentences. "an un-written "DO NOT ENTER" sign.." just doesnt seem to flow with the theme. Spook the castle and its descriptions up a little more. something like " served as a warning to tresspassers..".

    I hope you found this useful. Keep working on it and post the next chapters. I wanna know what happens. Take care.

    Bryan
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by Scrumpy | [ Reply to This ]
      So I assume this is the intro to a gothic novel similar to Frankenstein or a Balkan/Eastern European mystery of the late 19th century (The Prisoner of Zenda, perhaps)? You've ratcheted up the suspense and piqued the curiosity, so I'd venture a guess as to the possibility of multiple installments of this write in the future. I'd advise some minor revision to the body of the work, but other than that, keep the reader guessing and they'll come back for more. Nicely done period piece.
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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