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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: holding sand and cupping airdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: on1eday.co.uk
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 887/402/54
    Words: 354
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 2309
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2502



    Description:
       a collaborative effort with storm of bliss.
    she will not be posting it because she is a selfish so and so and her ratio is self indulgent.
    and i did not have a choice.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsholding sand and cupping airdots
    -------------------------------------------


    like sunspots
    images of her
    and all the gaping holes
    are projected on everything i see
    straight through walls,
    a milk filtered camera lens
    and the eyes of other people who mean
    nothing


    [out] so i learned to thread
    the dark side of a crescent
    and suspended in the air, i choked
    face against rainy glass
    feeling for that brush-away-my-tears kiss [in]



    yesterday will be every minute
    that groundhog day
    she traced ‘forever’ along the lines of my palm
    kissed the scar on my shoulder
    then disappeared
    with nothing to hold
    but the clean smell of her hair and this
    vacuum


    [out] but the glass broke through
    and the paper cuts against falling sky
    grazed the touch i thought i felt
    sleeping in your black hole [in]



    i cast my hand
    the mould for the back of her head
    so small and perfectly delicate
    now awash in air
    and the dragging weight of gravity
    the light that was that smile
    now glares through fattening fingers into
    nowhere


    [out] i hibernate under blankets of dust
    curled up in a shivering ball,
    chuck myself down with raining shards
    and wait until the final crashing moment [in]



    time
    now, then and
    always then
    it cant bear to hear itself ticking
    a slow motion of infinity
    flashbacks of time going backwards
    and forlorn

    you could have taken me with you


    [out] i spooled that thread for you to catch
    but felt no tug on the end of our line
    we’re still swimming in a laminated night
    glossed for capturing development [in]



    on and on it goes
    over and around
    the time her hand
    over my jaw line around the back of my neck
    inside and pulling at my stomach
    that day so far away
    yet imminent
    i am always and ever waiting for
    then


    [out] i forgot to throw you the anchor
    to fasten my toppling incubus
    that night we broke through screens [out]





    Submitted on 2005-11-21 10:53:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      As other commenters have mentioned I would definitely delete those (ins) and (outs) because they spoil what is an intensely beautiful and moving poem. I presume they relate to the lines you intend taking out or leaving in.
    The graphology of this poem is really appealing in the way it resembles scattered sunspots, while the imagery of someone as sunspots that filter through our consciousness and imprint themselves on everything we see is beautiful. The idea of threading the dark side of a crescent is also lovely but I’m not convinced about the ‘feeling for that brush-away-my-tears kiss.’ The lack of the capital for the first person pronoun connotes a sense of humility while the ‘scar on my shoulder’ implies a history. Her disappearance seems to further the metaphor of the sun spots that only appear fleetingly while the rest of the poem would seem to connote death rather than just emotional parting. There is a definite sense of depression, death and self-destruction


    i hibernate under blankets of dust
    curled up in a shivering ball,
    chuck myself down with raining shards
    and wait until the final crashing moment

    and this is confirmed by the deeply moving ‘you could have taken me with you.’ An intensely beautiful poem with such a soft tone its almost hushed - but please, please get rid of those (ins) and (outs)
    I’d love to hear from you, love and peace
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      This is exquisitely written and the emotion within the poem is so powerful, reading it, you convey very well the feeling like there is nothing left, like the dream is ended and all you're trying to do is make believe that it hasn't. It brings tears to my eyes.
    The first stanza is, like the rest, exquisite:

    like sunspots
    images of her
    and all the gaping holes
    are projected on everything i see
    straight through walls,
    a milk filtered camera lens
    and the eyes of other people who mean
    nothing

    You begin with the word 'snapshots' and for me that seems to sum up the whole poem, there are really intense, filmic moments but there isn't just a fluid coherence through the poem as a whole, and this reinforces the feeling of grief.
    The middle is very powerfully written, especailly:

    time
    now, then and
    always then
    it cant bear to hear itself ticking
    a slow motion of infinity
    flashbacks of time going backwards
    and forlorn

    you could have taken me with you



    [out] i spooled that thread for you to catch
    but felt no tug on the end of our line
    we’re still swimming in a laminated night
    glossed for capturing development [in]

    The line 'you could have taken me with you' is, as another commentatot said, deeply resonant, while the uniting of metaphor of the sewing is breath-takingly rendered, as is the very evocative 'laminated night'.
    If I were to change anything, and I even feel bad suggesting anything when it is writers of your calibre, it would be that I don't like the word 'shards', it seems like, while its fitting, I've read this before, and the rest of the poem is noticably fresh and unique.
    I find that the last line is my very favourite:


    that night we broke through screens

    it is simple and direct and infinitely emotive. You have shown, as always, breathtaking brilliance and this is unquestionably a fav and perhaps the best poem I've ever seen on the site, what can you expect from such a team.

    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very well written and expressed by the both of you. The heartfelt emotions bleed with your words and read elegantly. It is not easy to make one poem out of two different writers' input but this is really good. It is filled with such a sense of longing and sadness. "She" is so dearly missed. It doesnt have the emotion of the kind of loss from a break up but more of the feeling of death throughout this poem. This feels like a rememberance filled with sadness. "You could have taken me with you" is a very strong line in this poem. It really conveys the sorrow of someone who has been left behind in life as his love has passed on. I dont know if the parenthesis of ins and outs are necessary here. I think it was a bit distracting and I am not really sure why they are there, I would imagine they have some significance but I think the poem would carry it's feel and emotion better without them, but that is just my opinion. This was lovely to read and filled with heartfelt sorrow and longing. You really conveyed the emotions well. Very nice. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      ...i happen to think that the two styles of writing and the consequential juddering between verses (real word?) is an integral and meaningful part of the whole.
    a B movie love story whole that actually wasn't and still isn't - it's just that love stories often translate that way. for me anyway, having been brought up on such expressions of what it is.
    it's brave isn't it, to do this; to put what you feel on paper, so that others can say:
    'oh i know how they feel' or
    'oh i don't know how they feel, but i would like to'
    these people should read this again then.
    i too could lose the parentheses or, as they are stage directions give them their own line maybe.
    it doesn't matter really because they don't detract that much from what is a very atmospheric and provocative piece and one which reminds (the royal) us to be grateful if we have any level of happiness in our lives.
    and what seems to be an almost arbitrary use of 3 commas isn't...
    this is one for reading more than once - it already has the quality of being at least 2 people's dearest diary.
    take it easy the pair of you.
    later,
    K
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      i read this three separate times.. once in succession, once with the stanzas you wrote and once with the stanzas storm of bliss wrote.
    they complement one another.. complete the other side of the story.. but i preferred reading each one separately. i'm not so sure about the [ins] and [outs] but that is something i should probably be telling storm of bliss.

    anyway.. i dont feel that i am 'qualified' [for want of a better word] for critiquing. who am i to tell another person what to do with their poetry.. and with two writers like you.. it really does seem unneccessary.
    what i can do is simply convey what this poem evoked when i read it. where do i start? there is that heart-wrenching longing and nostalgia that you always seem to write about so well. there are blurred images and trying not to forget that exact smell. there is emptiness. and i'm not sure if i got this right.. but the loss seems more concrete than simply someone walking away. it seems as though someone has died.. with one line i am sure it is the male character.. and the next.. i am positive it's the female character. and then again i could just simply be taking certain images too literaly. and i am usually wrong so that would not surprise me.

    and that probably doesn't begin to cover it. but it's the best i can do.

    nancy
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]


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    81802

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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