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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Magical Feelingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tmullins
    ASL Info:    37/F/Mo
    Elite Ratio:    4.5 - 127/149/41
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 750
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1217



    Description:
       a friend asked me to write a poem about carousel horses. so here it is!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMagical Feelingsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The carousel swirls
    with my little girls
    wonderfully riding,
    forever smiling.

    Journeying to
    another place and time.
    Wind in their hair
    music everywhere.

    I hear the music
    can you hear it too?
    magical melody,
    enveloping you.

    Mirrors everywhere
    you feel as if you care,
    you see yourself go by
    and no longer want to cry.

    A world of beauty
    with no pain.
    Laughter and dancing
    in the rain.

    Beautiful prancing horses
    dressed in jewels and crowns,
    wonderful colors with
    lights all around.

    Long pink manes
    with golden reigns.
    Silky white coats,
    and silver hoofs.

    Flying horses
    carriages too.
    Up and down
    Round & round.

    No bad dreams
    no bad wolves,
    feeling good
    like you should

    The feeling of
    being happy and free.
    these special horses come
    straight from heaven above.

    to take away our pain
    of yesterday
    and fill the soul
    with joy and love.




    Submitted on 2005-11-21 13:17:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi Tracy,
    You know I like anything ode to the family. That is my passion.

    The carousel horses are propably one of my fondest memories with my own daughters.

    You have expressed the truest feelings that come when watching a young child ride the carousel. This changes as they get older because the rides have to be scarier then. HEHE

    The images were very good. Idid read Comradenessie's comments and on how she kept the same write but made some flow changes. I like that too. Gives the write a smoother read but doesn't take away from your write.

    The best thing about this write is that it brings the child out in the reader.

    Nice write again

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this is a lot stronger, much more vivid. I hope you don't mind but I tightened the lines up a little and dropped a couple of stanzas, switched the opening stanzas and placed images like colours together to build on the feeling engendered.

    Journeying
    to another place and time.
    Wind in their hair
    music everwhere

    The carousel swirls
    with my little girls,
    wonderfully riding,
    forever smiling.

    mirrors everywhere
    you feel as if you care
    you see yourself go by
    You feel like you fly

    laughter and dancing
    in the rain.
    up and down,
    round & round & round

    beautiful dancing horses
    dressed in jewels and crowns
    wonderful colors
    lights all around.

    Pink manes
    and golden reigns
    White coats
    and silver hoofs.

    Flying horses
    carriages too.
    A world of beauty
    with no pain

    No bad dreams
    no bad wolves,
    feeling good
    like you should

    The feeling of
    being happy and free.
    God sent these special horses
    straight from heaven above.

    to take away all the pains
    of yesterday
    and fill the soul
    with joy and love.

    You have a couple of repetitions here like flying horses and 'feel like you could fly' where if you were to think of another image you could make the poem even more vivid. I definately think that with a little more revision you could have a, really, magical poem. I would be more than happy to take another look if you do decide to push it just that little bit further.
    Love and peace
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the idea of this poem capturing a moment with your little girls on the carousel. The title is really promising and I want to hear more about these magical feelings. While it is a pleasant poem as it stands I think that it could be as magical as the music and feelings you reference. If possible I would try to catch the rhythm of the carousel and not focus so much on the rhyme. There is so much more that you could add to this - what kind of colours are the horses? What do they remind you of? Maybe you can imagine your little girls being swept off to this magical land - another place and time, a magic journey. While I am not religious and not awfully keen on allusions to God I definitely think that the most imaginative lines are the last. If you do decide to build on this image I would really love to see it again.
    Please stay in touch
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]


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