Beer by Vastmark

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Submission Name: Beer dots

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Author:	Vastmark
ASL Info:	29/M/U.K
Elite Ratio:	6.06 - 225/169/26
Words:	146

Class/Type:	Poetry/Comedy
Total Views:	293
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	975

Description:
Revision 3 now and hopefully the last. and I must also add the mrs(although she doesn't use ES but is a great second set of eyes) who spotted a couple of repititions (god i hate repitition)and brought to my attention a small problem with stanza 4. Again many thanks to wewak11 and crazyhawk for their excellent ideas.

Enjoy.
V

Beer

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Beer - by vastmark © 2005

Golden and crisp
Ice cold and sublime
A taste with no equal
With great effects on the mind.

Staggering this way
floundering that
Trip over the curb
And land on your back.

A temporary solution
To all of life’s woes
A great man once said
And the truth of it shows.

A vision of glory
Through a clubbers sight,
A testament to its power
In the harsh morning light

The next day’s agony,
'tis a small price to pay.
For the night of a lifetime
To help keep you sane.

Of course I must state
(with certain protestation)
Please, moderate your drinking
With due consideration

But as long as good will
Shares its table with cheer
Let’s sit back and toast,
Raise your glasses, to beer.

Submitted on 2005-11-21 14:25:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I must admit I enjoy a good beer,but to be honest it never gets me going in the same way wine does...however on warm summers day there is nothing better!

Your poem captures that taste perfectly,and also the idealistic view which takes hold when we drink it:

That the hang-over is ALWAYS worth it...

But having been on the receiving end of many a bad hang-over I am inlined to dis-agree with that idea,but seeing as how you justify it in the next stanza oer two by explaining how it should be drank in moderation,I guess that makes it okay as I don't get hang-overs when I drink sensibly.

anyway,as someone who's written stuff about drinking and about being hung-over it was interesting to compare insight.

Oh yes and it WAS very well written...(again)

so yeah...id say keep up the good work but that comment is bog standard at this stage so Ill just say this:

your writing seems to me to be of a high standard and I hope you continue to contribute to elite skills...

Thats all...

-Craig

| Posted on 2007-05-21 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
  You've made me thirsty again! Great work. I had no choice but to investigate the inspiration for such a title. I've read three of your poems now and would have to consider a button to select you as a favorite author instead of just piling up favorite poems. I'll be reading more.
| Posted on 2007-01-05 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh thank you thank you thank you sooo much!!!

I have been searching for a great rhyme a great rythym - above all a great laugh - all day.

Should not could not would not change a thing about it. Can these things be printed? I'd love to share that with the guys at the bar.

Write on!
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by kiddo13 | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok! YEAY! This is a really good poem. I love the flow and the rhyme here, they really go well with each other. And I am proud to say that I totally get this poem and will not misinterpret this one hahaha! Yes, indeed, lets have a toast to one of the finer things in life. Nothing wrong with tossing back a few cold ones especially while watching the game! Or playing cards, or hanging out shooting pool, or to finish off a nice dinner, or to celebrate just being alive another day...ok...you get the idea here! This is a very well written and well thought out poem. And you even add a little moderation thingy in here as well which just shows some self control haha! I enjoyed reading this one. Perhaps a nice cold one would go well when reading poetry, whatcha think? Really cool poem. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello Phil,

~opening~

Well Phil, I have to say reading this finely brewed piece at first it gave me the impression (almost) of a public relations campaign for the beer companies and beer drinkers around the great rock. Heck even in stanza 6 you have a tiny warning there. For a beer lover this would be quite the tribute. There are in this parts that stand out as spins for the beer lover and are other parts that are truths (far cry from the PR aspect) and witticisms that are revealed with drinking beer.

~a look at the stanzas~

st1: enjoy being alone with a period seems proper; it leaves one with that satisfactory feeling. here the nature and description of beer is good. (secretly I have this feeling I am going to say beer a lot.) The opinion is exclusive to those who enjoy the taste of beer. I do image that most of the time the “ice cold” in line 3 would have to be the deciding factor for line 4. Now there is the debatable line 5 but I do sense what effects those are; certainly lack of judgment and slowed reflexes wouldn't be those "great" effects.

st2: now the reality is more apparent in this stanza; with the staggering, floundering and whoops tripping. It is quite the sight to see a drunk trying to walk and sometimes not even able to make it very far on unstable legs. I like the honest look in this stanza.

st3: a TEMPORARY solution (emphasis mine) and that is the truth to those woes of life, and boy it is really depressing when the sobering (in a dual sense of the word) phase hits. It is shocking how those problems are still there, and oft times there are new ones too. We are funny creatures when we happen to create more problems in the attempt to solve other problems. The last two lines are a little puzzling perhaps it is the truth of being a temporary solution?

st4: now this stanza is a treat. I like how the first two lines the “fun” factor followed by the latter pair of lines the payment for that fun. But I must say this: it is better to wake in your own bed then to wake behind bars or in some strange neighborhood, stripped naked and ha, ha god knows what else. I do wonder if many of these are said in a tongue in cheek fashion.

st5: now the spin force is back and the second line really hits that home: “tis a small price to pay” when speaking of the god forsaken hangover. But to a lover of the liquid vacation I do understand its sentiment, and if it is sarcastic, hell, that is cool too, either way it is entertaining. A toast to better days and lowered knickers!

st6: here I would call this stanza the warning label stanza; I think it would be comical if it were possible to make that fine print..

st7: this stanza is a feel good stanza it leaves off with a camaraderie type feeling as if one were sitting with some pals enjoying the fruits of good hops. The last line is perfect it does seem to cement the beer lover’s motto. great way to end it.

~suggestions~
Repetition eliminator: stanza two, line four: “to” instead of “and” Stanza three, line one “this” instead of “a” ~or~ “this” on the third line instead of “a” ~or~ the third line strike the “a” and just leave “testament” since the line is continued from the previous line via the comma.

~stanza to stanza comparison~

the first opening stanza is the visual where the beer comes into view and the feelings in it toward the drink. The second stanza is the illustration of the beer drinkers walk; it is more comical and leaves me with a grin. The third stanza is unique with its truth of the first line though it is a tiny shady on last two lines. The fourth stanza is dual in nature and truly sets itself apart from the others. It is nice to get two views in one stanza. The fifth stanza has more of a spin on it than the first stanza it is nice to have this on the backside of the dual stanza in that it seems to pull one the other way when thinking of beer. The 6th stanza is also unique in that is seems like an injected warning; almost as if one were to face lawsuits of that stanza wasn’t there, I take the 6th as clever humor. The 7th stanza is the “feel good” stanza and hope for those drinking, hints at responsibility on line one with the “good will” part also has a sense of camaraderie, it is unlike the other stanzas for it has that implied depth to it.

~closing~

I must say there are dimensions to this write that are dual; it has implications, it is witty, serious, and hopeful. It is a charming write and also at the same time has truths embedded in it. It does not seem like there is one angle here at all, which is good. Smashingly well done, I like it all the way from “enjoy” to “beer” take care and keep pounding out these good ones,

~mike
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  Though I'm not a drinker myself, this has got to be the best tribute to beer I've ever heard, and you wrote it with such flair! This was not only funny and refreshing, but unique and creative. For this, I would even have a chug-a-lug, for spirits sake of course ;)

This was great, and I hope to read more from you!

Sorrel
| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
  *raises a glass and hiccups*

hear hear!

I've never read such a perfectly penned ode to beer...definitely not a drunken write.. ;)

Tina
| Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a good spirited light hearted poem. It made me giggle. Nice rhymes to it... I can see it floating around Myspace already. JK.
| Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by thetwilight | [ Reply to This ]
  Well I'm not drink'n beer this morn'n, just coffee but, I will raise my cup in a toast to you for a job well done on this one. very enjoyable to read and all of it is true too!
So I say pop another top nd have another round on this one!
!doc`
| Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it! Although i'm not a beer drinker. i think the taste is...yikes. It made me picture myself sitting around a table with some friends and drinking, most likely a flavored belgian ale for me. then getting drunk and waking up with a mad hangover. I could also see at the end a bunch of beer bellied old men with bald spots and suspenders lifting a beer and shouting "to this good old beer and my terrible day this crispy cold flavor and the bit of alcohol will take the pain away and perhaps i'll pay! Hooray!" then they all sit and push up the coke bottle glasses. hehe tickles my fancy. Kudos for you!
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Coffee_Dreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  *raises beer*

AMEN TO THAT! This was cute! It really made me smile. Even though I have grown tired of the taste of beer...it still feels good to take one to the head every now and then...as long as it is dam near frozen! LOL

This was great. I am adding it to my fav's!

Li
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
  2 cans of beer, and I can't find "UP" with a compass... Whiskey, gin, jaegermeifter-all good stuff, but beer makes me stupid & sick. As you can imagine, that makes me QUITE popular, until the "sick" kicks in... ha ha ha.

But the poem is fun, bouncy, and has a bit of moral and responsibility to it - Good stuff, and so much better than the liquid inspiring it!
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
  BRAVO! Fantastic. What can I say? It captures the humor, appeal, and taste, even, of that great beverage, beer; which I can't drink for another six years. It starts of at just the right place: "Cold and crisp"
and ends with a classic flourish: " raise your glasses, to beer"
I propose a toast ( with my grape juice glass) to this poem!
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  hahahahahahah! I love it!

'Trip over the curb
And land on your back'

Now this is a poem. Not senselessy written, the words fit, good rhyme, hilarious! And the part about, 'Of course I must state,
(with certain protestation)
Please limit your drinking with due consideration' !

Great Job!

~CinnamonT~
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
  *clink*
Here is a toast to you for writing about one of my favorite beverages! Whooo-hoooo!
Yeah, I liked this one and couldnt agree more with what you said about it. It was a fun read!

| Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  lol, this was funny. It's like a drunken anthem, lmao! This is really good, I want to see some more comedy, because I can't write comedy if my life depends on it! Great write!
| Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
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3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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