Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: House of Broken Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: prettybaby
    Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191/194/59
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1263
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1408



    Description:
       I was not going to rhyme, but it happened.

    *Special thanks to Chell for helping me improve this piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHouse of Broken Dreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Teardrops on a window pane
    Slither toward the floor
    A lost soul weeping softly
    Leans agains the door
    Seeing nothing, watching all
    Eyes devoid of light
    Hope devoured long ago
    Shining black as night

    Upon this lonely, bleak estate
    A beacon rarely shines
    A cry for help is never heard
    From the many left behind

    Welcome to this horrid place
    Where tears fall every day
    Pain is not a stranger here
    He never goes away
    Naught but darkness and despair
    It's as awful as it seems
    The only hope is hopelessness
    In this house of broken dreams

    Corroding walls of jealousy
    Hate's ceiling sagging low
    Threatening to crumble down
    And crush all those below
    Sinking deep in desperation
    Life disintegrates so fast
    Fantasies are all abandoned
    Nothing good can ever last

    Frosty glass is shattered
    Upon the window ledge
    Will to live is vanquished
    Sanity slips toward the edge

    Welcome to this dreadful place
    Where tears fall every day
    Pain is not a stranger here
    He never goes away
    Death awaits round every corner
    In this cell of silent screams
    All life is locked outside the door
    Of the house of broken dreams




    Submitted on 2005-11-21 15:57:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Again, very nicely and cogently composed and executed... the poem moves swiftly, gracefully... fine choice of words, some very fine rhyme indeed.. the overall effect is really quite wonderful ... loved it! bravo! Michael
    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Cari. Look I know that we've had some major problems lately but I was on the site and decided to check up on your poetry. This is one of the most amazing poems I've ever read. I'm totaly going to add this to my favorites. And as for the fight we had...if you wanna talk about it thats fine and if not thats fine too. I was in the wrong and I just want to let you know that I know what I said to you and the way I acted to was totaly wrong and uncalled for. I'm really sorry. Maybe we'll talk later?

    Karen
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by kp_2007 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is amazing.thats all i can say,light and dark entertwined of joy and sorrow,showing the conjoined pain and love,forgivness and betrayal of a memmory of a broken dream, this is going on my fave list,like three days ago.hahaha,and this will really get you thinking to.anyway,i think im gonna go read the rest of your stuff now,lol

    Keep it real,
    Faith
    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely written Cari! I'm so proud of you. You wrote something dark! *fake tears* Anywho, it flowed nicely and I liked how you worded it. Keep writing. Caio.
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by BrokenAngel | [ Reply to This ]
      mmk, im back to redo my critique.. maybe it wasnt so much grammatical as it was confusing wording, like this
    "Hate's ceiling sagging low" with the line before it, the "ceiling sagging" makes it a tongue twister in a way. and maybe fewer words in some of your longer lines. the longer lines seem to, drag away from the meaning. maybe thats just me. as for being "angsty" or repeditive... maybe try using different vocab on words like "death" and "pain" those, and words like those, are often used, and to spice it up and make things more original, you could change the vocab. all in all i do like this, and if you decide to do a revision, let me know. oh, and thanks for the fav.
    _Kat
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is long, yes, but the length is needed. without it i don't think it would have the same effect. there are grammatical errors and little things like that. something else that bothered me was at some parts the piece seemed a little "angsty" if you know what i mean? almost to uniform, try to switch it up a bit. it was mostly in the beginning that it sounds...shakey. just some suggestions.
    _Kat
    | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nicely written. I don't think it is too long. Describing pain is a lengthy task. I have a couple suggestions on meter:

    In these stanzas switching a couple words keeps the flow a little better:

    Upon this lonely, bleak estate
    A beacon rarely shines
    A cry for help is never heard
    From the many left behind


    Welcome to this horrid place
    Where tears fall every day
    Pain is not a stranger here
    He never goes away.
    Nothing but dark and despair
    It's as awful as it seems
    The only hope is hopelessness
    In this house of broken dreams

    Corroding walls of jealousy
    Hate's ceiling sagging low
    Threatening to crumble down
    And crush all those below
    Sinking deep in desperation
    Life dissolves so fast
    Fantasies are all abandoned
    Nothing good can last


    Welcome to this hellish place
    Where tears fall every day
    Pain is not a stranger here
    He never goes away
    Death awaits 'round each corner
    In this cell of silent screams
    All life is locked outside the door
    Of the house of broken dreams.

    Just a couple small changes to help with rythm and flow, and this will be one of my newest favorites. They're just simple suggestions. Take what works and toss the rest. A very heart-wrenching piece. Thanks for sharing!

    Chell

    P.S. Let me know if you change it so I can fav it and tell others how amazing it is!
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. first thought: Lonngg. lol. but i really liked this one. it was full of description and details.. it was clear and just. exploding of emotion. my favorite was the second stanza, cause i just like the word beacon. and the end was just, a perfect way to end this. not to mention that the title was completely kick ass. goin under faves!
    **sandi**
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem... It really touched me. Houses are full of memories, and this one, wow. You expressed emotions like no other, not to mention you pulled it off rhyming is genius, this is definately going under my favs list. Dark, yet light at the same time. I am truely speechless.
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by darkchild_41 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    81843

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry