House of Broken Dreams
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Description:
I was not going to rhyme, but it happened.
*Special thanks to Chell for helping me improve this piece.
*Special thanks to Chell for helping me improve this piece.
House of Broken Dreams
Teardrops on a window pane Slither toward the floor A lost soul weeping softly Leans agains the door Seeing nothing, watching all Eyes devoid of light Hope devoured long ago Shining black as night Upon this lonely, bleak estate A beacon rarely shines A cry for help is never heard From the many left behind Welcome to this horrid place Where tears fall every day Pain is not a stranger here He never goes away Naught but darkness and despair It's as awful as it seems The only hope is hopelessness In this house of broken dreams Corroding walls of jealousy Hate's ceiling sagging low Threatening to crumble down And crush all those below Sinking deep in desperation Life disintegrates so fast Fantasies are all abandoned Nothing good can ever last Frosty glass is shattered Upon the window ledge Will to live is vanquished Sanity slips toward the edge Welcome to this dreadful place Where tears fall every day Pain is not a stranger here He never goes away Death awaits round every corner In this cell of silent screams All life is locked outside the door Of the house of broken dreams |
Submitted on 2005-11-21 15:57:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Again, very nicely and cogently composed and executed... the poem moves swiftly, gracefully... fine choice of words, some very fine rhyme indeed.. the overall effect is really quite wonderful ... loved it! bravo! Michael| | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ] | Hey Cari. Look I know that we've had some major problems lately but I was on the site and decided to check up on your poetry. This is one of the most amazing poems I've ever read. I'm totaly going to add this to my favorites. And as for the fight we had...if you wanna talk about it thats fine and if not thats fine too. I was in the wrong and I just want to let you know that I know what I said to you and the way I acted to was totaly wrong and uncalled for. I'm really sorry. Maybe we'll talk later? | Karen | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by kp_2007 | [ Reply to This ] | this is amazing.thats all i can say,light and dark entertwined of joy and sorrow,showing the conjoined pain and love,forgivness and betrayal of a memmory of a broken dream, this is going on my fave list,like three days ago.hahaha,and this will really get you thinking to.anyway,i think im gonna go read the rest of your stuff now,lol | Keep it real, Faith | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ] | Nicely written Cari! I'm so proud of you. You wrote something dark! *fake tears* Anywho, it flowed nicely and I liked how you worded it. Keep writing. Caio. | | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by BrokenAngel | [ Reply to This ] | mmk, im back to redo my critique.. maybe it wasnt so much grammatical as it was confusing wording, like this | "Hate's ceiling sagging low" with the line before it, the "ceiling sagging" makes it a tongue twister in a way. and maybe fewer words in some of your longer lines. the longer lines seem to, drag away from the meaning. maybe thats just me. as for being "angsty" or repeditive... maybe try using different vocab on words like "death" and "pain" those, and words like those, are often used, and to spice it up and make things more original, you could change the vocab. all in all i do like this, and if you decide to do a revision, let me know. oh, and thanks for the fav. _Kat | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ] | this is long, yes, but the length is needed. without it i don't think it would have the same effect. there are grammatical errors and little things like that. something else that bothered me was at some parts the piece seemed a little "angsty" if you know what i mean? almost to uniform, try to switch it up a bit. it was mostly in the beginning that it sounds...shakey. just some suggestions. | _Kat | Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ] | Very nicely written. I don't think it is too long. Describing pain is a lengthy task. I have a couple suggestions on meter: | In these stanzas switching a couple words keeps the flow a little better: Upon this lonely, bleak estate A beacon rarely shines A cry for help is never heard From the many left behind Welcome to this horrid place Where tears fall every day Pain is not a stranger here He never goes away. Nothing but dark and despair It's as awful as it seems The only hope is hopelessness In this house of broken dreams Corroding walls of jealousy Hate's ceiling sagging low Threatening to crumble down And crush all those below Sinking deep in desperation Life dissolves so fast Fantasies are all abandoned Nothing good can last Welcome to this hellish place Where tears fall every day Pain is not a stranger here He never goes away Death awaits 'round each corner In this cell of silent screams All life is locked outside the door Of the house of broken dreams. Just a couple small changes to help with rythm and flow, and this will be one of my newest favorites. They're just simple suggestions. Take what works and toss the rest. A very heart-wrenching piece. Thanks for sharing! Chell P.S. Let me know if you change it so I can fav it and tell others how amazing it is! | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ] | wow. first thought: Lonngg. lol. but i really liked this one. it was full of description and details.. it was clear and just. exploding of emotion. my favorite was the second stanza, cause i just like the word beacon. and the end was just, a perfect way to end this. not to mention that the title was completely kick ass. goin under faves! | **sandi** | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ] | This poem... It really touched me. Houses are full of memories, and this one, wow. You expressed emotions like no other, not to mention you pulled it off rhyming is genius, this is definately going under my favs list. Dark, yet light at the same time. I am truely speechless. | | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by darkchild_41 | [ Reply to This ] | |
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