Letter of Tears by Yousef

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Letter of Tears dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Yousef
ASL Info:	22/M/Egypt
Elite Ratio:	8 - 468/203/20
Words:	194

Class/Type:	Poetry/BrokenHeart
Total Views:	401
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1272

Description:
She left a letter on my door...

Letter of Tears dots

-------------------------------------------

She left and she's never coming back
She didn't even say goodbye
And left on a one way track

But before leaving
She left a letter on my door
The letter's title was
"I couldn't take it any more"

She said in her letter;

I waited,
I gave you all the time you need
I know you are used to write
But now it's time for you to read

To read the letter I wrote with tears
To read my feelings
That you have been neglecting all these years

I don't care if you were blind
I don't care if you couldn't see
I lived for you all my life
And you didn't even notice me

I gave you my heart
But you were heartless
I gave you my soul
But you couldn't care less

And now it's time for me to go
I'm leaving, to where?!
I don't know!!

Anywhere is better than here
Nowhere is better than having you near

And now after I've said it all
All that I've been holding all those years
I'll leave you
With this letter of tears!!

Submitted on 2005-11-22 01:28:32 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hey
its been a while.
i like the sentiments in this piece.
i think it could be presented somewhat differently and there are a few things that need to be changed gramtically but otherwise... ouch.

i like how this starts off with "she"
theres a lot of times when a girl is called a "she"
usually its when the finger is being pointed by a younger sibling "she did it!"
and so i think with that idea in mind it gives this piece quite a scathing like feel to it somehow...

SHE left
SHE didnt say
SHE said

theres a whole lot of SHE
and perhaps this is the first time its all been about her... in her eyes it is anyways...

she said:

I waited,
I gave you all the time you needed
I know you are used to writing
But now it's time for you to read

[the bold bits are the bits i think need changed... its nothing too huge but yeah...]

i feel there are a lot of cliché lines through this piece...
i gave you my heart you were heartless...
i dunno how else you could express yourself but i think that challenge should be to stay cliché free... it makes it hard but it also makes it stand apart from anything else ever written hopefully too...

now for me...
i dont feel like there was really an end...
i think it could have been so much more... i really do...
i think i would be awesome if you could go back to SHE again to end it... so that its from your perspective...

perhaps something like:

she left me a letter
without saying goodbye
she left me a letter saying:
im never coming back... goodbye

i dunno... that idea in itself is kinda cliché but it fits in the feel of the piece as a whole...

anyways yeah... i really do love the SHE SHE SHE

i think also... its so familiar... its like i am sposed to know who she is and thats why she is nameless...
yeah... good stuff...
| Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  A very touching, emotional letter! The reader can almost see the tears as they slowly cascade down her cheeks, felt the heaviness
of abandonment and hurt as her hand shook as she slowly wrote this final letter.
Very sad, but yet a good write!
~Linda
| Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Yousef,

Wow it's been the longest while since i've seen you. Thought i should check out some of your work.

This is pretty sad. This reminds me a lot of the letter i wanted to write to my b/f a long time ago. But unlike this write, i sticked around and shared my thoughts with him, all the pain and all the things i couldn't stand anymore...I just gave this relationship one more try and surprisingly, he changed. Things have been so much better now...But still, this piece reminded me a lot of what i thought back those days and what i really wanted to do. The part that is most hurtful and yet so true is this one:

"And now it's time for me to go
I'm leaving, to where?!
I don't know!!

Anywhere is better than here
Nowhere is better than having you near"

This is so real. Almost as though you were reading my mind...Very sadly spoken.

Although this was a very touching content, i think that the way you have formatted it needs a bit of work. i did notice that you put a semicolon to state what She had to say yet the line right before that had "i couldn't take it anymore" which shows that it would have been better with these "things" ( can't remember the name...sorry)
Apart from that....Pretty interesting.
This piece made me feel nostalgic...something i really don't want to remember.
It's good to see you.
Hope we can talk soon.
Take care....
~Irina
| Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  hey how are you? I like this poem, it is so sad. I like it cuz I can relate to it. I really do feel each and every word.
Poetry wise it was nice, it has a flow and the rhyming was ok.

To read the letter I wrote with tears
To read my feelings
That you have been neglecting all these years

I don't care if you were blind
I don't care if you couldn't see
I lived for you all my life
And you didn't even notice me

Too good, I am gonna add this to my fav.
well done with love shabnam
| Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really a very sad poem. It is always a shame when people fail to communicate in their relationships as it would prevent a lot of these type situations. I am curious if this is something that actually happened to you? This is a good poem, I only found one area that didnt read quite right:

waited,
I gave you all the time you need
I know you are used to write
But now it's time for you to read

I think it would read better if you said "I know you are used to writing", write just doesnt sound good. Otherwise this is a very sad and eye opening kinda poem. Nicely done. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow... That's sad... And it kind of reminds me of the way things are for me right now... I've been doing everything for this one guy, but he doesn't seem to care... It doesn't seem like it matters to him that I love him more than anything... Oh well, that's my problem, sorry for rambling... I like this piece... It's sad, but at the same time, this situation happens every now and again so it holds truth and reality to it... Well done.
| Posted on 2005-11-22 00:00:00 | by HeavensDeceit | [ Reply to This ]
  hi, yousef. been a llllllllllooooooooonnnnnnnnggg time, I know. i even doubt that you remember my little butterfly wings...
the pain was poetic and it speaks and screams in agony. love , l'mor was the victim and the attacker. such a horrible and likely death , that onesided love , yea, thats a silent killer....
the stanza(S) were/ are, but of course beautiful in there use. improvement, not very likely. I can see this happening anywhere, in any neighborhood on any street.
very sad, and very good. so hows egypt this time of year?
| Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by butterfly wings | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.