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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The quarrel(a Kyrielle)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 240
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1244
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1477



    Description:
       an experient in dialogue...alternate verses are him and her. The form is a Kyrielle. WITH THANKS to Graeme wewak11 for some good advice

    The kyrielle is a poetic form that originated in troubadour poetry.. If the Kyrielle is written in couplets, the rhyme scheme will be: a-A, a-A. There are a number of possible rhyme schemes for Kyrielle constructed in quatrains, including a-a-b-B, c-c-b-B and a-b-a-B, c-b-c-B (uppercase letters signify the refrain). In the original French kyrielle, lines were generally octosyllabic. In English, the lines are generally iambic tetrameters.

    from the Wikipedia article "Kyrielle".




    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe quarrel(a Kyrielle)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Who is this paragon you've found?
    Why don' you just invite her round?
    Oh ho! So she's got long blond hair.
    Is love a weight we cannot bear?

    Don't fret, she means nothing to me
    I only bought her scones and tea
    Now steady on, don't be unfair
    Is love a weight we cannot bear?

    This girl at work, what is her name?
    Don't say she's not the one to blame
    You said her smile's beyond compare
    Is love a weight we cannot bear?

    "My love, there's something I must say
    That time was then. Today's today
    I'm not having an affair
    Is love a weight we cannot bear?

    Why are we spitting bile like this?
    What happened to our earlier bliss?
    No more our hearts are light as air
    Is love a weight we cannot bear?

    Oh save me from your jealousy
    You know you mean the world to me
    I'm simply yours, I'm fair and square
    Is love a weight we cannot bear?

    Once we were light and laughing too
    Now I just don't know what to do
    You never tell me that you care
    Is love a weight we cannot bear?

    Lets stop our quarrel now my love
    For now that push has come to shove
    I know I'm yours, and that I swear
    For love's a weight I'd gladly bear!




    Submitted on 2005-11-23 08:05:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ah, 'two part un-harmony', and fought well with a touch of 'scar'casm! Those always hurt, and sometimes leave a mark, this one did in my mind as very nice.
    Change; Hmm, I might try to look up more different types of poetry and find ones "Nobody 'round here" ever read, that will be easy for the vast majority of readers. Beware it will be noticed by writers that have a gut wrenching desire to read real poetry.
    You seem to have caught quite a few already, by the list of commenters already( ME NOT INCLUDED ), I'm just a old man with nothing to do!
    A good one here, might you help the group out by posting those rythum/rhyme schemes? I'll bet someone will give them a try. Another Great idea, how about a 'challenge' to the forum to write one of these(or another style you've got posted), just to see who can fill the old bucket!
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done. I think I've only done one kyrielle, and I like the way you worked the alternate charcters, it sat well for me.

    One stanza stood out for me:

    "Listen I have something to say
    That was then. Today's today
    I'm not having an affair" I feel you lost the iambic rhythm here, compared with the rest. Would you consider something like:

    "My love, I must send words your way
    That time was then. Today's today
    I am not having an affair" it brings the iambic balance back in.

    The last line, also simply a "Your" at the start of the line would bring it into synch.

    Only tiny things, I really enjoyed your idea and what you did with it.

    Very well done, impressive stuff

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good poem that is well written and expressed. I like the style here and how you included a man and a woman actually having a discussion about this subject. This is indeed a very common problem in relationships today. The only thing I dont like about this is the repetition of the last line of the stanza's "Is love a weight we cannot bear" I think by saying it over and over again it takes away from the overall effect of the statement. Maybe you could find other questions of significance to add some variety and avoid repetition, thereby making more of an impact. Just a suggestion though. Otherwise I thought this was very good. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the catch phrase loses something in the repetition at the end of each stanza. In certain spots is seems a contrivance rather than supporting the stanza.

    There are a few misspellings, but otherwise a very good story told in rhyme. A little tweak here and there will make it perfect!
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great. I love the style. I especially liked how each standza ended with "Is love a weight we cannot bear? ". One thing though, I think in the 4th standza 1st line you forgot to put an s on the word say. But other than that this poem was really sweet. I also liked how it ened with "Love's a weight I'd gladly bear! This is a good write. Great job! Thanks for posting.
    - -Oli
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by Oli | [ Reply to This ]


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