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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Beneath our Troublesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: smartblond
    ASL Info:    18/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 97/114/33
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 715
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 769



    Description:
       This ppoem is written as it is seen through a person who thinks hope will never come, but when they find someone who is also in a related disaray they can relate and shove a side their problems to help others.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeneath our Troublesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My loneliness is consuming
    My life's work is ever dooming
    My friends betray me
    My hearts a mess
    My life is filled
    with endless stress
    Rejection comes
    without a yes

    My life is torn
    yet others scorn
    as thorns go tearing
    through my heart
    My mind is twisted
    and full of lead
    as useless things
    float through my head

    My eyes are filled with endless dread
    That shows with every tear that's shed
    Wait what is this
    among the awful bliss
    comes a friend in need
    bringing with a helpless plead
    so to this my soul will heed
    to this desperate friend
    a very good friend indeed




    Submitted on 2005-11-23 14:20:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this. The rhyming was good, and so was the message you were sending through your words. And you are very right; when life gets hard, and your in so much pain, it helps a lot to know that you can have someone to relate and understand what your going through. Sometimes, all your problems can be solved just by one really good friend. I however, am still searching for that special friend. Maybe someday I will find one.

    Great work, and I agree with everyone else, this was ver original. Which just made it an even better read.

    ~Piper
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem was very good, and quite original...the only thing I have to say that's a bit negative is that the rhyming seemed a little forced but I get comments saying that all the time and it didn't take away from this write. I loved your point here because it was so true, sometimes seeing someone who is as down as you are is just the thing to cheer you up that u can help them.
    peace
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem was realy relatable. I loved your expression. I wouldn't change anything. sometimes all we need in life is a real friend and suddenly we have a new something to live and love for. great concept.

    llcollins
    | Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very cool, definatly all your own. I like the whole concept and how you put it out...being that the sight of someone else equally sad and in need comes along and there's no one better to help...sortta reminds me of this book I'm reading now "wormwood" one of the lines tells of this locked away creature trapped by a mean man in an attic and along comes this really sad dude who's carraige (18th century london era) breaks and nothings working and it says "but in a fleeting glimpse he caught the stare of a man worse off than him, his heart was split in two at the sight of this, knowing that man would wake up worse off than himself the next morn" This was awesome and I can't find anything in need of change.
    Peace
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      It was original and very creative. You have a knack for expressing yourself in a very distinct manner, and that comes across very clearly in your writing. Well done for another good write.

    PS The he's and the I's were purely my opinion. Theoretical poets may advise not using I's, but I don't subscribe to that school of thought.
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      this was awesome. i the system you used was really cool and creative. i mean that i liked how you started off down and bummed and the main body of the poem followed this structure and at the end you had a light at the end of the tunnel, while i was reading at first i was surprised that you labeled it poetry friendship, like i said awesome! nothing i would really change
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by Metal Heart74 | [ Reply to This ]


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