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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: how odddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wildchild
    ASL Info:    19/f/northwest
    Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 307/268/27
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1309
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 965



    Description:
       okay...... i'm really weird and even i don't know what to make of this.
    i was sitting on my bedroom floor absolutely bored out of my mind when i started thinking. (ah!! danger will robinson!!)

    anyways, all i ask is that you don't take it at face value and try to go a little deeper.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshow odddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing.

    Silences that never reach
    those deafened ears;
    unshed tears cleansing,
    choking in unbidden words.

    Little fingers broken backwards
    against the cruelty of the world
    Who will love you
    when you're everything but dead?

    That dust you inhale
    soothes your beeting heart,
    racing madly only
    to be 5 minutes too late.

    Ballroom dancing
    across a concrete floor.
    How do you loathe
    all you've ever known?

    Pain is our friend,
    assuring us we're still alive
    and our worst adversery,
    as we're still conscious to feel it.

    Fear is a stranger,
    bend your neck, made to say
    "It's a mad, mad world,
    and forever will it stay."




    Submitted on 2005-11-23 16:30:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Your a damn good writer! What are you doing wasting time on here? You should be published!! This was like dancing on a cloud in the depts of hell? Great Write!
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-18 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      well jess...only you would think of such an amazing poem while ermmm sitting on your floor. yes we all have our own strategies so i will not say a word about it...i promise. this is really good and it's very unique.keep it up girl.

    *kisses*
    -jen
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by DontLetGo421 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey....
    I've seen you in the chatroom a couple of times, just went to people and looked for pro's to look at... saw yours and wondered how you wrote.

    and to my surprise... brilliantly!
    I honestly didnt think you were going to be that great at writing... and you are.

    my bad... lol

    Theres nothing I can say for advice, except that you should never put numbers in poems, you always write them out. You said "5" and you should have said "five."

    nothing worth complaining about really.
    I love how you used the word "adversary" I love that word to death, my favorite besides necrotic. It's spelled with an "a" not an "e" by the way.

    no worries!! I'm going to look at more of your work, I'm absolutly in love with the way you write!

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      Hay You know how I like to wright? I dont type them (at least not right away) I put them on papper when I am done I walk away. The next day or in a week or a month. Ill pick it up and put notes all over it switch paragraphs. add and remove words. Till the wording is smooth and what I want expressed. I dont know if this will work for you but I know it works for me. even when i am happy with the end result and I am typeing in to the keyboard
    I am still trying to get that "cream on top"

    Joshua
    | Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by ooononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this peice as it is something that could be interepted differently from reader to reader. The picture I saw as I was reading this changed as the poem progressed. Some of the things I could see were censorship, abuse and silencing of the abuse victim, and the dancing on a concrete floor made me think of pain and self-abuse. I felt a lot of cynism behind this. But, as I said, I think this is something that varies depending on the reader.
    | Posted on 2006-04-04 00:00:00 | by RumnMoxie | [ Reply to This ]
      well first of all let me tell you that this writing is a good one it has many things and advices here and in:
    "Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing.

    Silences that never reach
    those deafened ears;
    unshed tears cleansing,
    choking in unbidden words."

    you show us how difficult it is to be a teenager and verything that comes with that age.. and your wording just reminds me when i was a child thanks for that..

    "Pain is our friend,
    assuring us we're still alive
    and our worst adversery,
    as we're still conscious to feel it."

    yeah pain is our good dversary and we have to beat it .. and we do at the end of each day .. just someday it could kills us

    so a good write and thanks for sharing keep writing and if you have time please take a look to my writiing i would relly apppreciate it if you leave a comment in mine .. so
    take care
    peace and love
    and have a nice day
    Victor
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      When I read this I cant help think of someone who has fallen from the grip of reality as a whole and has no clue what is good or bad nor whats real and fake. I can feel the psychotic jumps here and there like you actually stepped out on a ledge and blended in such things like "sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing." like the mind can no longer process such things. It captivated my mind, not my taste for I like much longer works. This was well worth the time spent reading.

    -Cynyster Cyanide-
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Black-Wall | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow incredible piece I almost feel speachless not only because of the words that dove into my mind but also because I would say all the others who have commented have taken the words I would've could've and probably should have said but since those are etched in stone I will tell you this, even if some may say that the meaning gets shaky I believe this to be one of the poems that spring to life in boredom to do more than just reach a certain crowd and indulge in only one topic it has hidden meanings to each reader the way they will interpret it so I wouldn't try to define something so broad with contradiction that it makes you contradict what you first thought mind bending lol... Overall great piece thats why I had to add... Anthony
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
      "Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing."


    The opening caught me and its what made me finish the poem. You have talent and you should keep it up.
    Loveage,
    Mike
    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      "Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing."


    The opening caught me and its what made me finish the poem. You have talent and you should keep it up.
    Loveage,
    Mike
    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      In your description you gave no indication of what the meaning and inspiration behind your poem was. Boredom was a strange motivation for such a deep piece of writing.

    Little fingers broken back against the cruelty of the world made me immediately think of the children in war wrecked countries. The victims of a world they can't control.

    Of course, that might not have been what you had in mind, but that was what I saw.

    A lovely poem, thanks for sharing.

    Lulu la Feyne
    | Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by Lulu La Feyne | [ Reply to This ]
      You have skills! And I'm so happy I got the chance to enjoy this. You did a great job, and went very deep into meanings that I'm sure hold even deeper thoughts for you.

    This was my favorite part:

    That dust you inhale
    soothes your beeting heart,
    racing madly only
    to be 5 minutes too late

    You have a very beautiful way of decribing things, and I couldnt of enjoyed this more!

    Thank you
    Denise
    | Posted on 2006-02-09 00:00:00 | by Forgiven | [ Reply to This ]
      Nothing to complain about here!
    I tried not to take it at face value so consequently I read each line about 5 times before I decided to comment...an yet I don't have much to say, I read the comments given by others and I think they (AptPupilofLife2 especially considering they wrote a disotation on it!) said everything I would have considered saying...except I didn't dread cutter when I read "Pain is our friend" I ca be quite partial to poems like that!
    | Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by irvine_valentin | [ Reply to This ]
      mmmm, it is a mad mad world. i nearly cringed when i read the words "pain is our friend", it almost sounded like another "cutter/im-so-sad-i-want-to-die/whats-the-use-to-try?/why?" entry, but i was glad to find it didnt sound anything like one.

    nitpickery: beeting heart, praps a typo? highly and utterly forgivable for the depth of the rest.

    its really smarter than it sounds, and you're right. shouldnt be taking things at face value.

    the lines "its a mad, mad world" reminds me of a calvin and hobbes book, which nearly got me misty eyed from that sudden nostalgiattack.

    smart piece. very smart.

    with respect, i click "post this critique"
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      im going to try to say more than "this has passion." here we go!


    Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing.

    sewn shut, and unseeing introduce obvious contradictions at least on the surface. sewn shut against the world is an awkward sentence. sewn shut against feels strange. what can it mean? sen shut to block out the world, but she sees. she tries to see at least, blinking to clear her eyes. but she can't see.

    Silences that never reach
    those deafened ears;
    unshed tears cleansing,
    choking in unbidden words.

    3 and 4 are seperate, the objects of the sentence aren't one, correct? both are simply descriptions of the situation.silences can not reach deaf ears, but all deaf ears hear is silence. that is a truly artistic paradox, far superior to those in the first stanza to me. it's easy to choke on unbidden words. the words you don't want to know and say, those are the ones you hold and choke on. but unshed tears clensing? that is difficult. until you let it out, until you free yourself to feel, to connect to the world, you can not be cleansed. so thisseems to hint the narrator wants to open up, but can't. i didn't find the same meaning in the first stanza, where the point eluded me.

    Little fingers broken backwards
    against the cruelty of the world
    Who will love you
    when you're everything but dead?

    broken backwards AGAIST the creutly . . .
    against again. strange. broken by? no. broken against . . . the meaning again eludes me.
    when you're everything but dead? that is an intersting phrase, which to me means alive but having come as close to death as is possible, touched every inch of the land that is life, the marsh along with the meadow. so how is who will lvoe you connected to the fingers? and why is the pronoun you? are you addressing the reader or the little girl mentioned above?

    That dust you inhale
    soothes your beeting heart,
    racing madly only
    to be 5 minutes too late.

    so, that poison you take in, soothes you, but you can never quite finish, never soothe yourself the way you should, by being on time. and the dust you take is must be the cause. you can not seem to win, ever. again, this sounds like a longing to connect to the world, a cry against the aghast third person watching the world spin.

    Ballroom dancing
    across a concrete floor.
    How do you loathe
    all you've ever known?

    ballroom dancing on concrete is a nice idea. however, would pavement or sidewalk illustrate better? the idea of someone ballroom dancing up the sidewalk seems to me more poignant. how do you loathe all you've ver known? i don't know what ot make of this.

    Pain is our friend,
    assuring us we're still alive
    and our worst adversery,
    as we're still conscious to feel it.

    a nice point, not original, btu well stated.

    Fear is a stranger,
    bend your neck, made to say
    "It's a mad, mad world,
    and forever will it stay."

    bend yoru neck, made to say? this confuses me. i would have thought, in this poem, abotu isolation, seperation, that fear would be a friend.

    summarily: great wordplay, great image clashes, but the central meaning isn't consistant to me, unless the meaning is as general as "i feel isolated"

    i knwo this happens to me, but try to avoid getting lost in the wordplays and cool sounding tricks, and know what you want your poem to mean before you settle on the words of it. i often write off the cuff, then looking back, see my meaning came out shaky, then scrap thewhole thing and rewrite the poem with the good elements of the last one still fresh in my mind. maybe that would help, beacuse this definitely has good elements.


    Your random person of the day,
    Moot
    | Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting poem. Images and contradictions that you used are very descriptive.
    I think this is very introspective and thought provoking piece. You asked some very complicate questions like Who will love you
    when you're everything but dead? or
    How do you loathe
    all you've ever known?. I thin these are my favorite lines, I find this questions very complex. And you say you are only 17. Great work .
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this, and I'm not much into depressive stuff normally.

    I like your contrasting with the eyes "wide open" yet "wired shut" and the other contradictions you used.

    A quite excellent write, very enjoyable

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      You said to look deeper, so I did.

    My first impression is a child wounded by some great tragedy or depression, similar to Pinball Wizard. "That deaf, dumb and blind kid...

    Then I see each of the impairments as emotional metaphors. The sensations are there, but they never make it all the way to the core of perception, the heart and/or mind.

    This is intense and moving in a dark way.

    Nice work.

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2005-12-29 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow there was a hell of a lot of passion here for something you wrote when you were "bored out of your mind" lol. THis was really good. I Loved this and there was tons of passion...only small thing (cause I need something to be nit picky about lol) you spelled beating "beeting" lol like the food. hehe anyway good write this is a favs add!
    | Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      i must agree with Rain, lots of passion in this one...I like it...
    now the only thing I could find wrong with it is
    on the 4th stanza, it's 'beating heart', and on the 6th stanza, I think it's spelled 'adversary', but I could be wrong...

    Fear is a stranger,
    Bend your neck, made to say,
    "It's a mad, mad world, and forever it will stay."

    A great way to end a piece like this!

    Great job!
    CinnamonT
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry it took me so long to comment. I guess I wasn't in the analyzing mood.

    In a world unfamiliar, but yet so familiar, you long to be with it, yet it is beyond your reach. You strech you hand out, hoping for just one touch, but the closer you get, the farther away it moves. All you know, is all you hate, for all you hate is all you know. Life in itself is meaningless, there has been no point an never will there be one. All conscious thought wanes, it teeters toward the non existant. A feeling of desparation to get back to what you know but you get lost...all that is in front of you is...darkness. A wall, the very wall your mind set up to protect you has disconnected you from the real world. You can not break what you have built, for your fortress was made to stand, and stand it will until death comes.

    Wow...would you look at that...I would erase it, but it might give you something to do.

    Though it ha something to do with your poem, I am afraid it is just as confusing, lol, we need to arrange our thoughts a little better, don't we?

    Love ya Sista Jess
    Sista Bon
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this poem, its set out really good and i wouldnt change a thing in it but i really have 2 agree with namesdontmatter, thinking about eyes sewn up really does make me shiver although i know its not ment 2 b taken literally and it does fit in perfectly with the poem.
    amazing write, thnx 4 sharing

    chaos
    | Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by divine chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh Do I like this
    It really carries a powerful message
    To me it says let the child enjoy there childhood dont make them grow up to fast for they will never be able to go back and relive there childhood
    Thou they will strive to there whole life
    Well Done!
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Great poem though it made Aki kinda rally depressed, but it's still a good write! *pokes jess* write more! write write!
    I keep having a image of the girl from the ring, I have no idea why though. ;
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
      i forgot to add that i have fallen in love with your icon. it also i dandy. oh and it is spelled adversary. how could anyone take this at face value? theres obviously room to dive.
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by namesdontmatter | [ Reply to This ]
      agghhh gag me. i hate thinking of eyes sewn shut. this was otherwise a great poem, great stuff. i just have something with that term. it makes me shudder. ballroom dancing on a concrete floor. thats dandy.
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by namesdontmatter | [ Reply to This ]
      Hun, this is truely great. I think it's one of your better writes. It contains so much passion. God I really don't know what to say that isn't already known to you.

    Oh yeah, there's a spelling error in the second stanza, quick fix.

    Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow.

    Loves!
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing.

    Silences that never reach
    those deafened ears;
    unshed tears cleansing,
    choking in unbidden words.

    Little fingers broken backwards
    against the cruelty of the world
    Who will love you
    when you're everything but dead?

    That dust you inhale
    soothes your beeting heart,
    racing madly only
    to be 5 minutes too late.

    Ballroom dancing
    across a concrete floor.
    How do you loathe
    all you've ever known?

    Pain is our friend,
    assuring us we're still alive
    and our worst adversery,
    as we're still conscious to feel it.

    Fear is a stranger,
    bend your neck, made to say
    "It's a mad, mad world,
    and forever will it stay."

    It would seem that each stanza tells a different thing, which I thought was cool and yet in a sense when you take a good look at the title and then again at the write, it seems like everything is connected in a sense. I really like the idea behind this and it amazing sometimes the things you can write while on the bedroom floor, interesting inspiration. This was definitely a worthwhile read.

    Keep up the great work
    I enjoyed reading this

    Take care
    and be happy

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing.

    Silences that never reach
    those deafened ears;
    unshed tears cleansing,
    choking in unbidden words.

    Little fingers broken backwards
    against the cruelty of the world
    Who will love you
    when you're everything but dead?

    That dust you inhale
    soothes your beeting heart,
    racing madly only
    to be 5 minutes too late.

    Ballroom dancing
    across a concrete floor.
    How do you loathe
    all you've ever known?

    Pain is our friend,
    assuring us we're still alive
    and our worst adversery,
    as we're still conscious to feel it.

    Fear is a stranger,
    bend your neck, made to say
    "It's a mad, mad world,
    and forever will it stay."

    It would seem that each stanza tells a different thing, which I thought was cool and yet in a sense when you take a good look at the title and then again at the write, it seems like everything is connected in a sense. I really like the idea behind this and it amazing sometimes the things you can write while on the bedroom floor, interesting inspiration. This was definitely a worthwhile read.

    Keep up the great work
    I enjoyed reading this

    Take care
    and be happy

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Here sits a child
    eyes wide open,
    sewn shut against the world
    blinking yet unseeing.

    Silences that never reach
    those deafened ears;
    unshed tears cleansing,
    choking in unbidden words.

    Little fingers broken backwards
    against the cruelty of the world
    Who will love you
    when you're everything but dead?

    That dust you inhale
    soothes your beeting heart,
    racing madly only
    to be 5 minutes too late.

    Ballroom dancing
    across a concrete floor.
    How do you loathe
    all you've ever known?

    Pain is our friend,
    assuring us we're still alive
    and our worst adversery,
    as we're still conscious to feel it.

    Fear is a stranger,
    bend your neck, made to say
    "It's a mad, mad world,
    and forever will it stay."

    It would seem that each stanza tells a different thing, which I thought was cool and yet in a sense when you take a good look at the title and then again at the write, it seems like everything is connected in a sense. I really like the idea behind this and it amazing sometimes the things you can write while on the bedroom floor, interesting inspiration. This was definitely a worthwhile read.

    Keep up the great work
    I enjoyed reading this

    Take care
    and be happy

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-06-20 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel this, painfully descriptive, I have a child so the line about "little fingers broken backwards" gives me chills. I think this is wonderful. I also agree that this is a mad world, but i just laugh at it because I'm madder than the hatter. I'm off Alice.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]


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