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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: clashes. >rippeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wilted_
    ASL Info:    20/f/singapore
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 138/110/29
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1145
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 841



    Description:
       jus a quickie poem in btwn studying for my last paper. comments are appreciated


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsclashes. >rippeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    And this is how we choose
    to end it.
    Almost six years
    and a lapse in time,
    this is how it ends -
    with a prolonged pause that
    can neither forward
    nor rewind.

    << >>

    neither forward
    nor rewind.

    My negativity breeds
    your intolerance;
    and your nonchalence
    seemingly demands
    reciprocation.
    you see, I tend to discard
    my relationships in a
    trash heap of
    dented cans -

    imperfect.

    << >>

    neither.

    These are random arrangements of
    alphabets into
    words -
    miscommunicated,
    eclipsing
    the intervals of
    our unyielding silence.

    << >>




    Submitted on 2005-11-24 12:30:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i to would think the poem would be better with the neither forward nor rewind after each part

    the formating was great on this poem, adn the <<>> i really loved

    i can not say that i have fet something like that.. 6 years waiting and it ending

    i felt psycial pain no one should indure,i have even felt emotional pain from everthing, but pain from love , i have no clue how much it must have hurt you
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by UnHoLyPoPe | [ Reply to This ]
      The end of a longterm relationship, "almost six years", ending in a "moment", "a pause", like a "discard"ed "dented can". You break it into three stanzas, one about the duration of the relationship "almost six years" and of how quickly it ended "a prolonged pause", the second sites the causes "my negativity', "your intolerance", and the third a description of the mood close to breakup "intervals of / our unyielding silence". Very nicely done. Loved the form that you used. Here is one suggestion for your consideration:

    << >>
    neither

    just like that, without repeating "forward / nor rewind". My presumption is that the symbol say it all, so why repeat. Just a thought.

    First of your works that I've read, found it intriguing enough that I will return to read more.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good poem. Very nicely written and expressed and covers such a sad subject. How tragic to spend 6 years of your life with someone to have it be all for nothing in the end. So very sad and I can relate to these feelings. I spent 7 years of my life with a man only to find it was a big waste of time. One thing I learned which was most significant is no matter how much you love someone, you cannot change them. I so wanted him to grow up and I thought he was still so immature because we were only in our 20's but then I spent the next 7 years realizing that he was still the same child I met all them years ago and I got tired of waiting. It is very difficult to swallow but when it end's it just has to end. Anyway, sorry for my ramble there. Just made me reflect on my own experience. A very nicely written poem. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Mimosa on the repeated the "neither forward nor rewind" part after each stanza.

    This write was extremely solid and intriguing. I enjoyed the metaphors and symbolism in this piece greatly and appreciated the first stanza where you conveyed to me the ease of which we lose things. Six years down the drain in one f**king moment-that's life.

    ~there is a sickness far more brutal than leprosy, it ensures fatality and remains blind to its own thalidomide presence-to its victims this sickness is known as love~weepingprophet
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by weepingprophet | [ Reply to This ]
      Effective summary of so many doomed relationships . As so may of us know, it isn't what we say but what we leave unsaid that kills it in the end. The stark brevity gets your point across very well.
    | Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by BLee | [ Reply to This ]
      I Thought you should have repeated the "neither forward nor rewind." part after each stanza. It would emphasize the idea that time has stopped and all of life's imperfections and vanities are revealed. But the seeming problems birthing other problems was strongly worded. I liked the thought that the words/letters were randomly selected and meaningless in "the intervals of our unyielding silence". Overall I got a sort of slide show kind of messege. One thing I was unsure of was the "< >" after the first stanza, it made me think of the 'fast forward' and 'rewind' buttons on a VCR but I would have used "<< >>". Was this intentional? Good job and send more, I like it.
    Thanks for all that stuff and all that other stuff,
    Mimosa
    | Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by Mimosa | [ Reply to This ]


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