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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: City Of Yesterdaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: orderly conduct
    Elite Ratio:    2.44 - 51/80/36
    Words: 256
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1559
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1690



    Description:
       I feel awkward. I dont understand how i can describe some writings. What? What? I wrote this a week ago. I edited today. I had to give a shitload of useless comments to people just to submit. Since i was at 63% and needed to be at 73%. Godamn bastards. I think the title is the name of a short story. I dont quite remember. Anyway, please comment.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCity Of Yesterdaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    We are unconcerned and at loss for words
    Bending our values to replace each others.
    Heavily sighing from lack of will.
    My shoes scraped the wet pavement.
    Grinding into the rocks.
    Asking you if thereís any need to be so cold.
    Thoughts of half hearted finishes endlessly play all around the room
    This room. Our room.
    We have scratched the walls far too much to continue living here
    Slowly. You let the words plague our blanket.
    The bed. The floor.
    Sliding over the carpet like textured errors.
    Subtly draining you of your eccentric sentences
    For we are tired.
    From our absurd goals and sick honeymoons.
    Frantically our hands clasp the edge of your hair.
    Loosely falling over your passive eyes.
    The world is ending.
    There isnít a cloud in the sky.
    The window panes remain still as ever.
    Since there are none.
    Since we live in this windowless house.
    Dangling dangerously on the edge of a cliff.
    I promise you that the world will end today.
    We rest under the blankets
    Escaping into the pleasures of sleep
    For that is our success.
    Our final removal of neglect.
    Crushing our knees against each other.
    Until the sound is lost to the merging of bones.
    The lights have turned off.
    Since we are alive and well,
    Under the cloth. Under our dreams.
    Soundlessly mouthing aimless wishes.
    Biting hard into our already cracked lips.
    Repeatedly screaming behind our shut eyelids
    Pleading,
    like children, for the world to finally end.




    Submitted on 2005-11-24 20:35:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      hey lady orderly ,

    Firstly I agree with girlunder glass with that the poem could do with being spaced out a bit more, the language and images you use needs a little bit of grouping I think and the pace I read it in did not fit a ranting manner in which I would prefer a one stanza poem to be .. but more of a slow pounding of images and ideas.

    This to me seems like oen of those relationships that is about control .. and endless contenst of who is the master and who is the slave ..I show you what you want if you show me what I want type thing. The windowless room makes me more think of a trap or a cell rather than privacy .. the scratched walls a combination of wild times .. sex .. putting on masks to get that urge and need out .. and escape ..wanting out but not leaving .. Like one of those where you get caught up in your own black circles of lies or chains of games .. or caught into the malestrom of the other .. something that has stained onto one so deep that rather than taking the mask off ..one sits in the darkness promising the world will end .. end as in change completely ? .. as in this was the last time ? ..

    I dunno that's at least my associations with this piece .. I wont say too much nitpicky stuff ..although l7 .. you say 'finnishes endlessly .. ..this whole line seems awkward and I think it could do with being cut in two.

    ..i think rather than finnishes .. ends .. or termninations .. could sound better .. maybe ..

    and rather than endlessly .. I think repeating endless here or end something will just wash out some of the meaning and effect of it .. that you could use repeatedly .. or something along those lines .. anything other than endlessly ..

    you end this very strong and your images are vivid and heartfelt .. I did enjoy reading this .. thank you ..

    che che,

    Christian
    | Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this, but i have a problem with the spacing. i hate it when people tell me to revise my spacing, but underneath it all it really helps. at first glance everyone will look at this, scroll down, go oh god this is a chunk and then start up at the top. so heres what i say you should do about that

    We are unconcerned
    and at loss for words

    Bending our values
    to replace each others.
    Heavily sighing from lack of will.

    My shoes scraped the wet pavement.
    Grinding into the rocks.
    Asking you
    if thereís any need to be so cold.

    Thoughts of half hearted finishes
    endlessly play all around the room
    This room.
    Our room.

    We have scratched the walls
    far too much
    to continue living here

    Slowly.
    You let the words plague our blanket.
    The bed.
    The floor.

    Sliding over the carpet like textured errors.

    Subtly draining you of your
    eccentric sentences
    For we are tired.
    From our absurd goals
    and sick honeymoons.

    Frantically
    our hands clasp the edge of your hair.
    Loosely falling over your passive eyes.

    The world is ending.

    There isnít a cloud in the sky.
    The window panes remain still as ever.

    Since there are none.

    Since we live in this windowless house.
    Dangling
    dangerously
    on the edge of a cliff.

    I promise you that the world will end today.

    We rest under the blankets
    Escaping into the pleasures of sleep
    For that is our success.
    Our final removal of neglect.

    Crushing our knees against each other.
    Until the sound is lost to the merging of bones.

    The lights have turned off.

    Since we are alive and well,
    Under the cloth.
    Under our dreams.
    Soundlessly mouthing aimless wishes.

    Biting hard
    into our already cracked lips.
    Repeatedly screaming behind our shut eyelids
    Pleading,
    like children,
    for the world to finally end.

    anyway, its a beautiful concept and i love the part about the windowless house. beautiful beautiful beautiful
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by girlunderglass | [ Reply to This ]
      Enjoyed your use of the language! Sorry if I cannot quite see your meaning, here, but let me try. At first you are on "wet pavement", then in a "windowless room", with someone ( you do not describe, only that they are "eccentric', have "loosely falling hair", and passive eyes) don't know if they are male or female, real or imaginary. "We have scratched the walls far too much", seems to indicate a relationship about to end. A "windowless room" is ultimate privacy, but also one cannot see out, there is no visible escape route. You are "on the edge of a cliff" and "the world will end today", says to me that a relationship is ending. It has turned sour and you want it to end, but the sensual side (sexual side?) of this relationship is still hot. "The pleasures of sleep" still call with their enticements, until you are "under the cloth" (blankets) "mouthing aimless", "biting hard", "screaming", and then "pleading" for it to end. So , heres what I see. A relationship is ending, but the hot coals of sexual pleasure still remain, keeping you from ending it entirely. This you represent with a "scratched wall-windowless-room' where you and your lover seek refuge from the outside world, all the while hoping for an ecscape route out of this relationship. Well, hope I came close, but it really matters not. What matters is your use of the language. It is original, creative, very imaginative. You make pictures from words, meaning you write descriptively, you use symbols and metaphors to convey your messages, you seem to want to tell a story as you write, That's all I can dig out of this piece, I will return to read further of your work. Enjoyed this one.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      from the beginning i thought this to be about a former love, or lacktherof now.


    this piece hits so close to home for me i think that it broke a window.


    that is, if its about what i think its about. about being together for so long you don't know what's up or down without the other person... but also not having spoken, i mean communicated, with them for so long you don't even know them. once you do its this explosion of emotion and tears but you two can never quite break it off.

    you remind me of the person that this would be for me, if that makes any sense. just the cloudless sky discussion and lip biting. and lip biting turning in to bleeding.

    in the end, we're all glad that we got the [censored] out, even if it was perfect. though obviously, it doesnt seem to be that way for you at all.

    if there arent any windows use the door.

    and im being totally random now because this piece got me to thinking. about drains, and bathrooms, and evil windowless rooms where bad things happen. okay, good things. i don't even know anymore. it's going to take me a while to decide. i bet this comment almost looks as odd as denial's.

    oh, yeah, and i know what you mean about the comment thing. im not writing for a while just so that i can get caught up on a few things.
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by falloutgirl | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this I thought that it was quite good. At the beginning I had the feeling in a way that you were referring to poverty or a poor person, then I got the same hunch when you wrote ďSince we live in this windowless house" maybe you were describing someone that lacks love and care instead of material things or properties. It's quite depressing how you put everything together but I ingulged in it. Good luck and keep writing
    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      at a loss of words
    why do you ever not feel akward? your a tampon case every day of your sexually explicit life.

    ^that i wrote right after i read the first line.
    this is my comment after i finished.

    this i like. fairly much. maybe i liked my voice when i read it, but maybe it wasn't all that. this makes sense. because it eludes. this feels complete unlike the other one's you had. this is almost pretty, like an indie boy with a blue shirt. nono. not chris. nono. something about takeout food.
    i started really enjoying this peice right on the line
    "we have scratched the walls.."
    there's something mohawk blue here.
    maybe a concrete city with blue skies. and thai food. maybe a boy at a busstop braving the cold and his faggot qualites. maybe grass, and angels, and blue. something about blue.
    i like this relation. i likes this love. or contact of the hair upon sleep. and rest upon screams.
    oh screams. that was wonderful.
    this is wonderfully abrupt. not the poetry. but the theme.
    but something about yesterday.
    and ramen noodles.
    that makes this okay.
    i could say more.
    "There isnít a cloud in the sky."
    | Posted on 2005-11-24 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]


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