Description: This piece is about someone I love dearly and someone very close to me.
word of advice: watch out for false lovers
His Victim -------------------------------------------
There goes her killer,
his hands still drenched in betrayal.
Her own heart is the witness.
The scent of his selfishness
floats around the scene.
He left her scared and victimized
of his lust.
Trailing down the path of memories' torment,
in solitude's arms she'll be sleeping tonight.
Heaven help mend her leaky veins
so that life will not
be drained from her
I can't pick the lines in this that I like, I actually like all of them, I love the "her LEAKY veins" part, and the first line...Wow, This is my first real favorite poem I have read yet, in my whole week on this site...anyways, when I read the first line of this poem I was like "wow, I hope this will end up awesome, and in fact, it did, good work, seriously keep it up, and try to top your last work...You should try reading my song "I loved you to bits," it's talking about a person you care about that cheated on you, and you walked in on it, and then you just kill them because you are so angry, it's really cool...check it out, PLEASE!!! I want to post some more hahaha, talk to you later
i love the passion in this poem and the way you described the lover as a killer makes it so intense, its like you have a real message for your friend. when i was reading it i could really imagine the pain of the victim.
you kind of lost me on the rhythm of your poem. the first four lines made me anticipate consistent rhyming in the rest of the piece, but it was not so. however, i like the intensity of your plead to restore the normal state of your friend. I am sure she would be touched if you showed it to her. I'm thinking that perhaps you can change the word 'leaky' as it makes that particular line sound awkwad/out of place and plays down the serious tone you have established in the poem.
impressive... i truly felt the pain of the victim in this peice, the torment of a lost love, the struggle to get back to normal... i think anyone can relate to the emotions and thoughts of someone in this kind of situation... I loved the intensity and the impressive imagery...