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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: His Victimdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jussy
    ASL Info:    21 ...guy....waterworld
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 66/64/21
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 865
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 468



    Description:
       This piece is about someone I love dearly and someone very close to me.
    word of advice: watch out for false lovers


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHis Victimdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There goes her killer,
    his hands still drenched in betrayal.
    Her own heart is the witness.
    The scent of his selfishness
    floats around the scene.
    He left her scared and victimized
    of his lust.
    Trailing down the path of memories' torment,
    in solitude's arms she'll be sleeping tonight.
    Heaven help mend her leaky veins
    so that life will not
    be drained from her
    once more.




    Submitted on 2005-11-25 02:51:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Trailing down the path of memories' torment,
    in solitude's arms she'll be sleeping tonight."

    It's sad... but that's half of it's beauty (the excellent wording is the other half).
    I really like this a lot. I don't even know what to say. It managed to suck the thoughts right out of my mind.

    The line, "Heaven help mend her leaky veins," made me think of pipes. I know that's completely random though. (Haha Just figured I'd share.)

    I'm half asleep, so sorry if this comment is all over the place.

    "He left her scared and victimized
    of his lust."

    I like that part a lot too. Reading it felt like teeth were chewing away at my heart because I've been there.

    There is nothing to critique and I can give you only compliments.

    Very nicely done.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2007-10-24 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice work. I love how you compare her lover to a killer, it keeps me interested and in tune to your poem. The emotions you put into it were awesome. Keep up the good work :)
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by TwinkleToes | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't pick the lines in this that I like, I actually like all of them, I love the "her LEAKY veins" part, and the first line...Wow, This is my first real favorite poem I have read yet, in my whole week on this site...anyways, when I read the first line of this poem I was like "wow, I hope this will end up awesome, and in fact, it did, good work, seriously keep it up, and try to top your last work...You should try reading my song "I loved you to bits," it's talking about a person you care about that cheated on you, and you walked in on it, and then you just kill them because you are so angry, it's really cool...check it out, PLEASE!!! I want to post some more hahaha, talk to you later

    Peace

    Codee
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by vanhokinshtyl | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the passion in this poem and the way you described the lover as a killer makes it so intense, its like you have a real message for your friend. when i was reading it i could really imagine the pain of the victim.
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by fluta | [ Reply to This ]
      you kind of lost me on the rhythm of your poem. the first four lines made me anticipate consistent rhyming in the rest of the piece, but it was not so.
    however, i like the intensity of your plead to restore the normal state of your friend. I am sure she would be touched if you showed it to her. I'm thinking that perhaps you can change the word 'leaky' as it makes that particular line sound awkwad/out of place and plays down the serious tone you have established in the poem.

    anyhows, your emotions shine through.

    take care,

    Rachel
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by wilted_ | [ Reply to This ]
      impressive... i truly felt the pain of the victim in this peice, the torment of a lost love, the struggle to get back to normal... i think anyone can relate to the emotions and thoughts of someone in this kind of situation...
    I loved the intensity and the impressive imagery...

    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    82262

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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