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Author: Ethan Brody
ASL Info:    40- M - Chile
Elite Ratio:    8 - 443 /206 /79
Words: 107
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1573
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 618



I want to be seen
And at the same time I need to be still

Somebody asked me whether they were alive
I said No and began to cry.

He said someone had inquired about his soul
Then I figured he was asked something even worse

He sang about having come across a fallen tree
I only fancy it could’ve happened to me.

This one girl asked me whether I was sad
I answered No and I turned my back

These people keep asking me about my welfare
It’s so fake for I know they don’t really care!

Submitted on 2005-11-25 09:19:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I think this could be improved if you tried to weed out a lot of those first person "I" 's. I know the thoughts are your own, but perhaps the dark , depressing mood here could be better served with less of those pronouns. Try writing it in the third person-instead of I and Me, use He /She , or even no person at at all. ie instead of Stanza 1 like this-

"I want to be seen
And at the same time I need to be still"
, try

Is the need to be seen
greater than the need to be still ?

then continue your story line with

A man asked me whether he was alive
I had to say No and began to cry

The third strophe I din't find to be poetic or lyrical,-I think it's the second line there—

" He said someone had inquired about his soul
Then I figured he was asked something even worse"

What you mean to say is not clear to me, I feel the lines are supposed to be dark and mysterious, but the wording is too simple ,straightforward and uninteresting, and it comes off sounding more secretive than sinister. Perhaps something like this-

"When he said a stranger had inquired about his soul
I knew it was a certainty his doom was now foretold"

The next strophe too is guity of the same pitfall-it starts of interesting, getting my attention-then sems to fall into nowhereland in the second line. I think you have a good start here, but need to put more thought, and more carefully chosen words into it to make it a super write. I think you should try to revise it, because it does have this mysterious mood about it, and could be interpreted many ways on many levels.

The last 2 lines don't seem to fit with the rest of the poem either, -perhaps you are telling us something instead of evoking that emotional response through the poem

Good Luck with it, I would be happy to read the revision
| Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  The line "he said somebody had inquire about his soul" would sound better as inquired , I think. Maybe you just accidentally left off the D.I am not sure how the fallen tree fits in , but it is an interesting line. Gotta tell you that I don't like the last line, sorry. If you could find a different way of getting that thought across ...the way you expressed it sounds too petulant. I think you have a lot to say and should continue . :)
| Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by BLee | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very interesting poem. Very thought provoking and I dont fully understand it but it seems to be some really deep thoughts you have been having. I wonder what the significance "he" and "she" have to you. You dont specify their significance to you in this poem and I think their words might have a stronger impact if you revealed their relationship to you. I can relate to the last stanza here as there are so many fake people in this world and so many pretend to care when they really dont. This poem has lots of deep emotions to it but you dont really reveal more than the minimum here. I think you could improve on this one to make more of an impact on what you are saying. This is pretty good but you could make it even better. Take care.

| Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  i like it. it's sad. and true sometimes. i know what you mean about people asking you how you are and they don't really care they are just trying to be polite or whateva. the couplets i think give each line more meaning because it seperates them so you think about each line not just the whole poem. nice job
| Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by beth freese | [ Reply to This ]

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