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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Am The Night,That Is My Namedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 71
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 796
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 598



    Description:
       Never can tell. Happy day after Thanksgiving.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Am The Night,That Is My Namedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Slender as
    a cinnamon stick
    with rich hues
    of mahogany,
    "I am velvety dusk," she
    said. "I am the
    dawn's epiphany."

    "Think of me as
    a wordless tune,
    my children a bright
    refrain, and every endymion
    strand of hair
    an elegy
    stars contain."

    "How do our wiles
    define description?
    Before language ever
    shivered the tongue,
    thought strode ashore
    at my discretion,
    kissed logic
    and came undone."




    Submitted on 2005-11-26 00:20:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. Wow.

    At first, to be perfectly honest, "slender as a cinnamon stick" made me wonder if i wanted to read this. I thought it was going to be an average poem - you know - nothing to really stand out.

    But I continued to read. And I was blown away. I sat back after reading it with my eyebrows raised, thinking 'wow.' (Bet you couldn't have guessed that. Lol.)

    You have made me fall in love with the night all over again.

    Wonderfully done! Will add to my favorites.
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Whildkaht | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very good! I am over here still in awe from all the emotion in this piece. You made me kinda sit back...tap my temple...think...and then appreciate what I just came across.

    This was wonderful.

    Much love,

    li li
    | Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm...a fellow night-lover? yet, to love the night is to love the day. and as this poem takes me to the primal parts of brain crevices before language and beauty was virgin. it also pulls me forward to the articulate unarticulated. i love when poetry does this!
    Miriam
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by mgnola | [ Reply to This ]
      Nothing to critisize here but I must comment because I really like this. Firstly, as a night person let me thank you for the possitive take on it. My blood is saturated with too much talk of the evils of darkness. Kudos! Damn it, did I just say "kudos"?

    Excellent use of imagry also, I typically don't visualize elements of a poem so easily or with such antisipation of what's to come.

    This goes on the Favs list.

    Jason
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      The metaphores of night here were incredible. I especially loved the fisrst stanza. You perfectly described the night with flavor, color, mood and overall feeling of the mysterious night. You gave a great desription of the night and everything contained within the darkeness...

    I must say though I dont always understand your language or your choice of words. This is certainly not a bad thing, and I am usuming this is something I will learn with age and expiriece... also from reading great poems from very seasoned writers like yourself!

    Hugs,
    Ella
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
      
    like so many others , I love the language n this poem, and I like the flowing rhythm.
    I especially like the last stanza… the last line is just lovely (masterful)

    The ideas have given me something to chew on, and I read this several times
    I have a comment about the rhythm.
    When I read this poem , the lineation seemed at odds with the rhythm… wanted to put another syllable in "I am velvety dusk,"

    "maybe "I am a velvety dusk," or "I am the velvety dusk,"

    and I wonder why you chose to break the lines, is it to disguise the abab rhyme scheme?

    When I read it I tended to put the pauses at the ends of the lines in the following form…..i as led by the rhythm…

    Slender as a cinnamon stick
    with rich hues of mahogany,
    "I am velvety dusk," she said.
    "I am the dawn's epiphany."

    "Think of me as a wordless tune,
    my children a bright refrain,
    and every endymion strand of hair
    an elegy stars contain."

    "How do our wiles define description?
    Before language ever shivered the tongue,
    thought strode ashore at my discretion,
    kissed logic and came undone."
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]
      this was so mysterious and original. all of the imagery was well placed and nicely said. [[Before language ever
    shivered the tongue,]] was a great line in the midst of a fabulous stanza. everything pieced together very well to create an incredible metaphor. great poem
    sophie
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]
      You've got some nice imagery right there.
    And i dont think i can swell deeper into much more important feedback/long reviews as the previous commenters. But i'll say this is nice. Because i just went by some completley crappy literature until this one and the one before.
    You've bordered logic and imagery in this one.
    Everything is here. I dont see any need of improvment.

    Really nice write.


    ~
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by orderly conduct | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey,
    Well I can't really add anymore better compliments to your work than as have gone before me. So I'll just say, how beautiful and elegant your poem was. Although if you want to press me for a criticism, I would say your first stanza could be looked at since it is nowhere as strong as the other two. I think for me, the lines 'velvety dusk' and 'dawn's epiphany,' although pretty, leave me feeling a little cold, not sure of a replacement for them...
    But that's all I have to say, hope that wasn't too damaging. Thanks.

    JoKing.
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]
      Deeply intense thought in this vivid piece. I am rereading again and again. This definitely has one true meaning, but according to the reader and how they interpret it can have numerous meanings.

    In the first stanza...the writer describes night as being the beginning of night and the introduction to morning's glory. I love the line "Slender as a cinnamon stick...", which gives me the impression that there is a very thin line between the two and also that one cannot exist without the other. Sort of giving it a revolving effet. Great analogy!


    Slender as
    a cinnamon stick
    with rich hues
    of mahogany,
    "I am velvety dusk," she
    said. "I am the
    dawn's epiphany."

    Let's press on to the second stanza:

    "Think of me as
    a wordless tune,
    my children a bright
    refrain, and every endymion
    strand of hair
    an elegy
    stars contain."

    There are two words that I am unfamilar with:
    1. [Endymion] stemming from Greek Mythology: defined as a handsome young man who was loved by Selene and whose youth was preserved by eternal sleep.

    2. [elegy]: defined as a poem or song composed especially as a lament for a deceased person or a composition that is melancholy or pensive in tone.

    After investigating these words, I had begun to form the image of what you are trying to convey in this piece or atleast I will try to understand it's meaning to me. The night like Endymion is refrain from being seen or heard. This greek character's captivating physical appearance was preserved by eternal sleep, but what does this have to do with the night? My take is that the beauty of the night is seldom contemplated and beacuse of the stillness thereof we don't contemplate on the beauty it beholds...it is like frozen in time.

    As for the last stanza:

    "How do our wiles
    define description?
    Before language ever
    shivered the tongue,
    thought strode ashore
    at my discretion,
    kissed logic
    and came undone."

    Excellent question: "How do our wiles define description?" Let me reverse this: what trickery or cunningness does your poem define or describe? Hmm, the ending has puzzled me some, but this I will leave to the writer to expose to me.

    Thanks for such a delightfully thougth provoking write...I have truly enjoyed.

    Love Saby~*~
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm sure I can't beat these comments but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem and loved the language. for some reason I saw myself on the beach with the wind blowing through my hair. ah well. nice while it lasted. must make this a favorite since you brought that feeling back. nice write.
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      "Before language ever shivered the tongue" great line. I read most of your stuff yesterday, and i'm impressed with how much you can say with so little. You are possessed of an economy of expression that can only be characterized as actual poetry. Concise, precise...a total greater than the sum of the parts.

    Reminds me what poetry is good for.
    To remind us there is magic in the world.

    Reminds me of the print hanging over my bed "Night with her train of stars". Reminds me of mysteries before cognitive speech. Like looking up and knowing there is something greater than - "us".

    kc
    | Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      I can only echo what has been said already. This is a wonderfully rich and detailed poem that touched all senses.
    It was a true pleasure to read.
    Its only flaw would be:

    "How do our wiles
    define discription?"

    it seems to me that you meant 'description', and that was merely a typo...
    but, do you mean that their wiles were revealed in detail,
    or that they were beyond explaining, as in defied description?
    that was a bit unclear to me,
    but it's only a small smudge on a true gem of a piece.
    Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so romantic and what lovely descriptions you describe the night but also I think you allude to the myth of Endymion and Selene goddess of the moon, albeit, I’m not sure why you have chosen not to capitalise Endymion. The rich imagery you connote in the opening stanza is very lovely, it makes me think of texture, colour even taste - so a delight for the senses - and this is furthered in the next stanza with the idea of hearing 'a wordless tune', albeit, I’m not sure I’ve grasped all your allusions, especially in the last stanza. I’d love for you to explain that. Also, I think you have a spelling error do you mean desecration?
    Hoping to hear from you soon,
    Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]


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