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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Your Last Remaing Daysdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Metal Heart74
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 72/61/17
    Words: 219
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1016
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1348



    Description:
       nowhere, I have been writing all day, this is just one idea better than the others


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour Last Remaing Daysdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A minor pain, no cause for worry.
    Forget the doctor no cause for hurry
    Inconveniance, wake in the night
    the pain is becoming harder to fight
    Blinding now, do it today
    the longer you wait, the more likely they'll say
    "Cancer, eating you from the inside out
    don't be alarmed now, try not to shout
    we may have a chance, have faith and pray
    try to enjoy your last many days"
    It's worse than was feared, almost like fate
    seemed to be mad, to spit in your face.
    Life will be different, starting today
    the rest of the world will stare and say
    "how long do you have, how do you live each day
    knowing these are your last remaining days"
    smile now and say, Each minute is precious
    and a sin to waste. Life is more beautiful
    when it could be stolen away.
    Your days are all but gone,
    but smile and pray to your god now, thank him and say
    this life was short and stolen away,
    but I still enjoyed my few precious days
    And with that be comfortable, remember the people you were crazy about.
    The yawns are stronger now, it is today
    today now is your last remaining day.
    Be thankful and wait
    death will arrive now, it's seldom late.




    Submitted on 2005-11-26 01:30:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      An inspiring piece. I especially loved the part
    "Life is more beautiful
    when it could be stolen away."

    I couldn't agree more. You've got very much insight into life, that's something that people nowadays seem to lack.

    I just have a minor suggestiong regarding the very last line:
    "death will arrive now, it's seldom late."

    After the many encouraging thoughts before, this seems to bring all the fear of death back to the reader. It kind of ruins all that you'd been builidng up to. Now, that may be my own opinion, but it really hit me as a shame, because you'd been describing how death isn't so bad and that at least you know your last remaining days, and have the ability to thank God for them and to enjoy them, then you say death is seldom late, it kind of, I don't know, breaks the line of hope you'd been creating.

    Do as you see fit, this is only my opinion. :)

    A beautiful piece,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Really can't think of anything to say about this that hasnt already been said. I agree about breaking up the two longer lines to improve the balance, but it's extremely well written.

    More than that though, it wasn't enjoyable (I've never met one about cancer that i did enjoy!) but it wasnt meant to be. People are assuming it is you with the cancer because you have just wrote a poem about cancer, it's almost like you have seen through the eyes of the cancer patient...not the doctor, and this is a talent in itself.

    very well done.
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      Talk about knocking poems off the map. this was incredible! lorna did have a good point though whe she said you should break it up on those two longer lines. honestly i can't find anything bad to say about this and im a pretty tough critic most of the time so ur makin me feel too nice. lol. you really made me feel as if i was the oe with cancer and just kept putting it off and you really nailed it (for me) with the last lines.
    [quote]
    Be thankful and wait
    Death will arrive now, it's seldom late.
    [end quote]
    ahhh you killed it right there it was the best ending for such a beautifully written poem. +fav
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by MalikiDragon | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Its impressive the way this poem made me feel like I was experiancing and feeling all this, the way the poem was Telling ME what i was thinking, that often takes the reader out of their comfort zone, and thats fabulous;
    "smile now and say, Each minute is precious
    and a sin to waste. Life is more beautiful
    when it could be stolen away."
    that line is intense and inviting all at once, it took a secong, at first , to appriciate it.
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Halston | [ Reply to This ]
      I think a lot of people overlook how precious life is until some tragedy in their life slaps them in the face and wakes them up to reallity. And I really think that you are pointing that out in your poem here. I have lost so many friends to cancer ay a young age and other illbesses too. When will people wake up and realize that the price of this or that is not the most important thing there is, yet, that's abput all people seem to want to talk about these days.
    Take it from me, try to keep your health as long as you can or someday you'll wake up and be just like me, about to turn fifty ,waiting for the knife and wondering if you'll ever see sixty.
    Very good write...
    !doc`
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this was cool. i think that life is truly priceless but a lot of the time people don't realize it til it's about to be taken away. this whole thing was written so well and it shows true talent that u can bring words to life the way you do. keep bringing it!
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      This was...beyond what words can express. You really have a talent for writing. You have great imagery, and you write about things that matter. And you do it in a very powerful way. This was...wow...

    Stefanie
    | Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by DeadValentine | [ Reply to This ]
      A very interesting and thought provoking poem

    I am sorry for the person in your life that has Cancer
    But I can see you are writing this in the theme she has found peace with herself
    That is an extremely powerful emotion
    You expressed it well

    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you have a chance take a look at some of my poetry and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting write of a most serious subject. Cancer is such an awful and very serious disease and is certainly devestating to the victim as well as the family. You have done a nice job of puting yourself in the mind frame of someone who has been faced with this or perhaps you have a family member who has experienced this? The only suggestion I have here is to break up the two long lines at the end so that they dont stick out so far beyond the rest of the poem. This line "but smile and pray, to your god now and thank him, thank him and say" I would get rid of the second thank you so it reads better without repetition something like this which will also make it shorter so it doesnt stick out so much..."Smile and pray to god now, thank him and say." And then with the line "And with that be comfortable, remember the people you were crazy about" I would break this into two lines after the word comfortable, making the remainder of that line the next line. That would improve the overall appearance. Otherwise, a good write. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      this is written very well. death is somting i have not experienced with my loved ones and so i do not really know the pain of that loss yet. this poem has brought to my attention that it will happen sonner or later. death you cannot escape from it. scary bussines i say.

    suzi
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by sushi wok | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting poem, needless to say it was very well written. I agree this does have a great thought, or rather a whole personality for itself. The title drew me to it, and then as I began to read it really spoke to me. I can list a ton of writtings that try to convice us to change, but none have made me think like this one has; and for that I give this poem a 9.0 out of 10.

    Sincerely yours with a bloody kiss,
    Naymless.
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by Naymless | [ Reply to This ]


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