Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

The Man at the Corner

Author: MystMaker
Elite Ratio:    6.35 - 120 /75 /24
Words: 219
Class/Type: Prose /Misc
Total Views: 1367
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1120


okay, there really was a creepy guy at the corner one night as I drove home... he was just so out of place...

not one of my better paranoia inspired pieces but hey, whats practice for?

anyways, any and all comments that can help me improve/ get better at writing (or just regular old feedback) are much appreciated. If you completely hate this piece, speak up... but tell me how I can fix it...

The Man at the Corner

He stood at the corner, hands tucked casually in his pockets. His shirt was crumpled and untucked. Dark locks of unkempt hair tumbled over his sharp features. A pointed nose thrust out from his soft white cheeks, separating two piercing brown eyes. Adorned with well creased pants, he waited. But this man didn’t belong there. He didn’t belong at the corner of Elkins Way and Williams Road. What was a man doing, wearing the attire only to be found on the workers of a big business miles away from any office building? A breath escaped him and a small puff of mist rose up into the icy night air.
Did I mention it was dark? No, it wasn’t dark, it was black out. The blackness only found between the unveiling of stars and setting of the sun.
He waited on the corner, in the blackness. Not to be seen by anyone but the headlights of cars as they passed.
It was strange that a man like himself waited there in the middle of a nice suburb area. It was strange that anyone would be found lingering at that time of night. But who was he? Why was he there? What was his story?

Submitted on 2005-11-27 00:05:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I really liked this
I am definately anticapating a finish to what you started
The only other idea I would give you is maybe give the reader a little more knowledge od the street corner such as what kind odf stores are on that corner
Great Write
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed this short piece. Obviously I couldn't help thinking of it as some sort of prelude to a story that answered all the questions you stated at the end. If it is a standalone piece however, you might benefit from losing the three questions at the end as these are things the reader is already asking themselves.

I thought the initial descriptions were excellent and could really picture the guy in a film noir setting, with the car headlights lighting up the scene intermittently adding to the tension.

Good work anyway, I did enjoy it, I hope you answer those questions in the next piece as I need to know the answers now!
| Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by manintheshack | [ Reply to This ]
  The line " what was a man doing wearing the attire only to be found on the workers of a big business miles away form any office building " is awkward and makes me think you are saying that the man is found on the workers. Need to rephrase that I think.I would also leave out :did I mention it was dark? No it was black out" becuase the next line coveys that thought well enough with some adjustment. like , "The blackness that is only found...")I am intrigued by this intro and would go on to read more, certainly. I would also leave out the asking of the questions at the end as it is up to the reader to be thinking these things and they will. Very descriptive and as I said before, intriguing . :)
| Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by BLee | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I think that you have described in detail a man that doesn't belong in a certain area that is dressed for success in the middle of the night
standing on a corner that he doesn't belong on and looks like he doesn't belong.
Hmm, This could be any man dressed for success standing on a corner that he doesn't belong on in the middle of the night.

I really do like this because it is very observant and a little paranoid but, You could be any person driving by that sees this man standing on the corner that he doesn't belong on, dressed for success in the middle of the night.

Well done and I am not being sarcastic. I really did like this write.

Respect and Admiration.

| Posted on 2005-11-27 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?