Description: I know its short but it means alot. this is about a friend of mine who has become a good friend and my mentor in a short amount of time. in the poem when i said "envy him and his truck", by truck i mean his greatness, kinda like when you get a new truck and its great. like always, all comments and criticism is greatly appreciated. any questions? dont be afraid to ask! i hope you enjoyed it and thank you for your time!
My mentor -------------------------------------------
Standing there
laughing at me
too much to bear
why cant I just be
watch him in his glory
compare him with my life story
hate him for his luck
I could feel like a dumb fuck
hiding behind his face
like a fallen angel in disgrace
hoping for forgiveness
ignoring my true kindness
Your poem is interesting...in that it doesn't match your description of it. Perhaps I've misinterpreted it but if you had described your poem as an expression of what it's like to be overshadowed by a friend whom you're in awe of, and who often ridicules you, it would have made more sense to me!
Also, I didn't understand
'hiding behind his face, like a fallen angel in disgrace, hoping for forgiveness, ignoring my true kindness'
What does it mean?
'Hiding behind his face/ like a fallen angel in disgrace' . I felt that these two lines just didn't fit with each other. When does a falling angel in disgrace hide behind it's face? To me it just felt like you were using particular phrases just so it would rhyme, including the truck bit.
These are only my opinions and I hope you don't get offended by them. If there is an explanation for the stuff i don't understand, i'd like to hear from you.
Also if your mentor is laughing at you cruelly, you need to get rid of him and fast:)
Okay i knew what you were feeling but i couldn't feel what you were feeling. I knew your thoughts but i couldn't hear them? Get what i'm saying. This was a over all good poem. But i think you could've used a little more emotion. Your description of this poem to me didn't describe your poem at all. I understand what you wrote and i get it but you said you wrote about a friend and a mentor who means alot yet in this poem i see a hint of jealousy. But over all it was a good poem.
the question asked in the poem {why can't I just be} is kind of left hanging I have to say the poem does indeed contradicts itself for a wise freind and adviseer would never crully laugh at his or she pupil as your poem suggest's of course thats just my opinion the title though is worth expounding upon.adnil
This is kind of haunting, but I really liked it a lot. This was very well written and right to the point. Your write was very original and I hope to see more from you.
This poem is a little confusing but the message you are getting out is strong I would go back and use another word for truck If you didnt explain its inclusion in the comments I would have taken it as being overly jealous of him To me the real message is One can find a new meaning of life in the story of another Very well Put Take Care Ron
Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my poetry and let me know what you think Thank You Ron
wow, this is haunting. I have had a similair experience with a mentor. But, about the envy him and his truck. I think maybe this should be revised because if I did'nt have your description to go off of, I would have thought that you resented him when in fact you mean the opposite. I also don'nt understand the ignoring my true kindness. Were you mean to him? This peom kinda contridicts your discription. No offence as always. Just thoughts. good effort!
Submission Name: My mentor
