What a powerful piece, it evoked a great deal of sadness and sceptism...cause I don't understand why someone you deeply care for would decide to walk out of our lives if things are good...It puzzles me..Nevertheless, the write was very moving...Sounds like a monologue...Im can only hope that u found solace when you penned this down..BE HAPPY..Nobantu
This is a good expression of your feelings. It is so hard to lose someone that you love so much and to realize that they no longer feel the same for you. It is so hard to find a place for all those feelings that you hold so close to your heart and now have no place for them to go. I do have a couple of suggestions for you to make this a little less wordy. In your line "Please return that I am dying" I would omit the "that" and just say...'please return, I am dying'. And where you say "and today that you left" again I would omit the "that". But these are just suggestions. This poem speaks from the heart and is very heartfelt and sad. Time does heal all though and you will move on to find better things in life. Take care.
(the first stanza) seems to present to me a conflict within, only by its nature of ambiguity. on one hand you have your lost love for whom you pain for and the other you have the life ahead. yet it is woven together, so it is hard to tell whether you are saying you will eventually go on with life or perhaps you are saying “a life with out you is no life at all” the first would be somewhat hopeful and the second would be most depressive. [fixes] fourth line “Why (have) you left me baby?, why?” (added “have” a question mark and a comma) 5th line minus “that” recommend replace with “for”
(the second stanza) I can feel the need and also the trying so hard to forget, its so hard to let go of those that mean so much to us. your emotional display of your suffering is with a great impact. [fixes] ok this one is more difficult for me in the third line did you want accept: to receive willingly, to approve, to agree or consent to, to believe in, to reply yes to or perhaps you wanted except: to leave out or take out, to exclude from the group. I don’t know reading it was a little odd for me. on the fourth line “and today that you left” is the a thought from that day or today looking back? I would change (if it were that day) “on this day you have left” or it is today looking back, I would change it to “on that day you have left” up to you whether to leave it or change it.
(the third stanza) same as the first however I did think of something perhaps a just comma in the 5th line could better illustrate the thought. such as “please return that, I am dying” in this sense although the “that” is a mystery (I could guess it is the heart) it separates from “I am dying” I feel it clarifies it much more.
(the fourth stanza) I love the usage of the wind. I see that as a great use of metaphor the wind marks a change, can be life, and also not to be outdone the spirit. and yet it doubles here like most metaphors should as a driving force. the entire stanza read very well along with the strong emotions that have been presented before it carries on through the write. the last line especially.
(the fifth stanza) this is kind of a mixed repeat of some of the previous stanzas. same corrective measures would apply.
overall a very heartfelt write with some solid metaphors that I like. great job Jose.