Description: Wheresmydickgoandhowsitfit - the most complicated riddle cracker since the Slapwhoscreams method used back in the cavemen era. The most effective method to date. Void if one seeks ass more fly by night.
Excess flubber - any piece of skin that cannot be utilized for sexual stimuli.
Senseless acquisitions Ė any article or belonging that doesnít involve food, sex, or sports.
Ice water - simply pour water into a medium sized glass and drop four to six ice cubes
Galligaskins Ė trousers worn by pirates in the FUCK I DONíT KNOW!! What are you looking at ME for?!
Toothless mouth - also known as hot pocket, wet socket, the fribble, the collar and cuff, the milk sop, the molly mop, the poofter, the powder puff, and the most endeared term that most women loveÖthe CUNT.
Quitcherqueefin - a law of common courtesy. Jeff wouldnít know about this one.
Unruly pubis - rioting pubic hair resulting from two or more days of negligence.
Muff bark chew - the designs among the acceptable pubical patterns found usually on porn stars
These will be on the exam. I suggest you learn and memorize them.
taco head tilt style, the cat vomit style, the wrist watch this style, the helicopter style and the wheel maker style.
Iíve been running around like a chauvinist pig with his dick cut off in search of the perfect soul mate.
Man seeking beautiful intelligent woman ready and willing to commit.
In order to find this Miss Do-Right cum quenching demi-god,
Iíve lowered myself to this dating service with all of you losers
to undergo the intricate filtering practice called
Why waste time with women that arenít right for you?
With that said, let me begin.
I am a male, 35 years of age, and I have features for all the ladies.
Iíve got the residing hairline for women seeking the more complicated men.
The bulging beer gut for bitches that think they can drink me under the table
and I can pick a pretty mean tooth.
Hey, give me a fucking break.
If you want me to blossom into one of those grease basted turkey looking fuckers
like on the cover of Muscle Fitness,
I suggest you fast, puke, run
or whatever the fuck you selfless bitches do to impress us men.
Lose the excess flubber and we have a deal.
I am a pretty wealthy guy,
but get those dollar signs out of your eyes right now.
I run a meth lab to support my kids and cut them checks ON TIME.
You gotta follow the law.
How am I gonna do that if Iím out there making senseless acquisitions
trying to satisfy all of your stingy wishes?
Lets move on to my expectations, shall we?
First of all, I want a child.
Birth is a beautiful thing
and something I want to be a part of very much.
I want to wait at the end of the tunnel for that little bastard to pop out
And be the first son of a bitch he sees.
ďHello you purple, squeaky little fucker! Welcome to hell!Ē
My caretaking expectations.
Whenever you smell the funk
or hear the gastronomical butt brass blues
belting out from the intestinal tug o war on the toilet,
I expect my lady to be kind enough to come running with an ice water.
And she must wait there until my pickled liver poops out another pumpernickel.
If Iím going to listen to your shit, youíre going to at least smell mine.
Just what in silken strap hell is Victoriaís big fucking secret anyhow?
Iíll hang up all kinds of cum rags and loin cloths along my walls
so that unsuspecting housewives and juveniles alike
waltz in to impress their boyfriends and husbands.
Lets all pay 89.99 for something that we will eventually stamp a shit stain on.
Lets drag our already miserable boyfriends and husbands into this crooked corporation and humiliate them by prostrating their sexual preferences.
Lets hold up every outfit in the fucking building to our chests until he blushes.
ďHoney, I just want to know what you like and what you dislike! ď
ďWell, lets put it this way biotch. I like to fuck women. And I donít like wasting my time.Ē
<insert obnoxious belch here>
In groups Iím pretty well off. Actually as a side hobby, I am quite the matchmaker.
I can smell the chemistry between two folks when everything I say goes over both their heads.
Female friends are ok as long as you keep them the fuck away from me.
Especially the little short haired deranged ones that hide their shallow personalities
with metaphors and superficial book-smarts and their flat chests
and sagging asses within baggy clothing.
They are all destined to become mean bank tellers anyways.
Male friends are ok as long as they are fat and/or unattractive
and they like the same sports as I do.
That way you donít spread your legs for them
every time I forget your birthday or some other hallmark cardboard compost.
Beer and golf.
Sweet as Christ.
Iím pretty lenient here. All that I ask is that you avoid the lower back. What is the womanís obsession with obtaining a big ass ugly tattoo as an overhead to the most redeeming quality of her body. And who in the hell wants to stare at some bouncing happy face or coloring book image when heís trying to get his fuck on?
Ok well not much to say here either really, but here's a thought.
Where do middle aged women get off chastising young men that opt out for a belt and chooses to pull his pants up every stride? What gives you that right when you have YOUR shit pulled half way up your fucking chest. I mean, come on. Lets be reasonable.
You are 40 fucking years old.
Do you honestly think it makes a difference if your fanny pack is hanging over like a goddamn pair of galligaskins, or confined and bulging beneath like a fucking water balloon?
Well, you canít really have a medical history.
ď But why?Ē you ask?
Because the only thing worse than a woman going on and on jabbering about her past surgeries and pills, is one undergoing some kind of procedure while you are dating her. Especially the ones that involve private afflictions involving more specifically menstrual minestrone manwich meal whatever-the-fuck is going on down there bullshit.
Whatever it is, I donít need that shit.
Just like I donít need your toothless mouth belching in my face
every time I compensate your bodily secretive failures.
I mean come on. Lets be fair about this.
I believe Jeff Foxworthy has this in his vocabulary.
Nah, I doubt it. That fucking schlep.
For the working woman, I donít want to hear about your day if there is any remnant from yesterday or fraction of negativity. Employers always give the best advice. Leave your work at work and leave home at home.
What this means?
I donít know really. I think marriage is pretty painful. There is a reason why the actual ceremony only lasts 5 minutes and everyone (even the old fucks) get trashed at the 4 hour long reception afterwards. They are all secretly trying to forget what they had just witnessed. And if and when we do decide on such a detrimental ending (and I emphasize ending) I will request that you let me hide out in a blue leisure suit and pay one of my buddies to fill in for the total fucking embarrassment.
If you expect me to have a sincere conversation with the canoe driver, you need to address this right away.
There's really nothing more repulsive than the unruly pubis. Just fucking forget about those triangular weaves from the 1970s playboys. That is no longer our brand of muff bark chew.
Your requirements are mastery of the taco head tilt style, the cat vomit style, the wrist watch this style, the helicopter style and the wheel maker style.
Give me at least 45 minutes on the pot after waking up to take a shower.
Hey, cut me a slice of some fucking slack!
At least I donít have to paint a pie chart of cosmetic companies market share to prevent myself from looking like Gary Fucking Busey.
You must also keep your hairdryer time down to a maximum of 20 minutes.
Is that so much to ask?
Crying is fine as long as you go do it somewhere else and call me when its over with.
I was once asked what is so funny about comedians... particularly Jeff Foxworthy and Mudflap. The answer is usually the same... "because they are telling the truth".
I must say while this is extremely humorous, it is so because it is true. A complete 180 from what normally is found following any "meet me.com" link. Normally, you get hit with 9 colors of bull-[censored] from those you are also bull-[censored]ting, while the bottom line remains the same. You spend 3 months listening to everything they say they want and the next 3 watching the BS unravel. Your twist is honest.
Hell with the chit chat, lets cut to the chase.
I'm not quite sure a singles ad such as this would lure in honest replies, as honesty seems to intimidate those who rely on armpit stench, a 3 day computer binge, and last, but not least, a sugarcoated ad, to meet a potential partner. Not that I smell, but to talk to a potential partner online, wouldn't be something I am not experienced with. I am not immune to being bull-[censored]ted (is that a word?) online, anymore than anyone else is, but luckily honesty was one of her more prominent attributes.
As was mine during the unraveling.
5.0 and faves for the honesty and the answer to Victoria's $ecret.
I think this is truly funny (in that frustrated Oh-So-Serious sense), and the comments are almost as funny. "It's just hard to picture where this fits into anything" was one of those classic responses I so enjoy collecting. Please, yes, "fit" me into something... preferably a chinese take-out box, if you can fold it right.
It sounds much like my ex, in fact, who would SWEAR by your last line... "Tears are a manipulative woman's tool, and an unforgivable sin" After all, you don't take out your tampon in public and wave it around, so why in the hell would you pull out your EMOTIONS? UGGGGHHHH!
this [censored] is ridiculous. this character that u portrayed is the biggest [censored] imaginable. i would love to watch a movie based on this [censored]. i wouldn't stop laughing. hillarious, genius. no other words needed
This is a cold ass writing Big Dog! This a cold ass writing! I feel you about though. [censored] what the comment guidelines say. I will comment how I want. You hit in on the head. Half of the women we meet on those sights have stooped so low because they let the good man go for the gangsta or the quote unquote bad boy. The same thing for us as well with the girls. I am with you Big Dog! I LIKE TO [censored] WOMEN AND I DON'T LIKE TO WASTE TIME AND ANYONE WHO FEELS MY COMMENTS ARE HARSH CAN KEEP ON MOVING. Keep writing and [censored] what everyone else thinks. AGAIN, THIS A COLD ASS WRITING BIG DOG, THIS A COLD ASS WRITING.
omg Myx, this is the first piece from you i've ever read, and i am not displeased. its funny as hell and i cant believe that you could come up with something like this just off the top of your head. damn man, how long did this take you to make? i always thought you were funny in the forum, but damn man, this is better than jeff foxworthy, wow. to me, this was a total [censored] approach when you meet someone on a dating site. haha
beyond interesting mikey...i was losing it by the middle...in laughter that is...its scary really that all this [censored] just flows out of your head...and for some reason when i look at you...i think there might be something normal there...haha...just messing...babbling really...no i truly enjoyed this actually...you have a way of describing life so ...hmmn...gross ...or something...bare with me...tjhe coffee hasn't fully absorbed into me yet...excuses my dear...i have no complaints...but ...i figured i'd leave you a comment...purps...ange...see you beyond the computer screen sometime soon?...
haha I lost my MARBLES when I read this. Especially the whole marriage thing. Who can DENY that?! This was real amusing, but good luck finding a woman to meet these oh so extravagant requirements... I would not be able to pick out a single girl who does not beak about work, or some other part of her life. all in all, this was absolutly hilarious. -Andrya
This was hilarious and honesty may not be nice or pretty but it's better than the typical; I'm this way for the first few dates but then I totally change. After your journal entry this rocked. Thanks for the chuckle. Love,Peace,Joy~Feel,Experience,BE! tif
Yes, Yes, Yes, I know...I said I'd comment on this like four days ago. I'm sorry it took me so long. *Hugs* I still <3 you. That's a heart, not a less than three...hehe Alright onto this piece. I'm gonna read and type my thoughts at the same time. hehe ;)
HAHA Okay, this is so funny. The "meth lab" supporting your children stanza...well that's how my county is. LITERALLY. We have so many meth labs around here it's crazy. (Cue music: Golddigger by Kanye West) lol LoL You really want to witness the birth of your child? haha I think it would be neat to see instead of actually having to go through it! UGHIE I'm scared for that day to come for me...
"If I'm going to listen to your shi t, you're going to at least smell mine." I'm dying laughing over here. Your wife is going to be laughing her ass off all the time at the witty things you think of! It's amazing!
Thank you! I don't see the sense in Victoria's Secret either! LoL I'm not going to buy that expensive stuff to impress anyone. HAHAHHAHAHAHAH OH MY GOSH >>>THE TATTOO PART IS HILARIOUS...LOL The lower back thing is tacky as hell! LOL I can understand why guys wouldn't want to know about the whole medical history thing..haha that's gross...haha
The NO BITCHIN G part is acceptable. No one wants to hear someone complain on and on and on.
LOL DETRIMENTAL ENDING TO A WEDDING! This shi t is so funny I SWEAR! HAHAHAHA!
Wow hun! This made me laugh so much. And I've been needed a good laugh. I can't help but wonder how you think of this stuff and how long it takes you to think of it. Do you just keep writing and writing because you are so smart the awesome things just keep coming to your brilliant mind? Great job. I have to fav this. hehe Take care!
I love every work that I have ever read, that you've wrote, it's always funny, I like always laugh. I love humor in poetry, it's like comic relief kind of, because your on here reading all kinds of serious writing, and you take poetry out of the ordinary
lmao, rofl and all those other stupid little AIM abbreviations. if you haven't actually sent this in, u are a retard. i could not stop laughing, plus the library was full of sappy Harry Potter reading douchebags, so i had to speed through the last bit. the style is undenyable. new favorite. funny [censored].~P
wow it's great to see you writing again...this was awesome...for a moment with your "expectations" I'd almost think that you were being sentimental...but that wouldn't work with your writing. The title worked perfectly here...though I'd have to say it's a little more literal than most of your titles...This is humerous...I'm just waiting for some retard to take offense to this...damn where's leerah when you need her? This is another incredible example of your own style...it's almost painful that you see no beauty in what most people expect you to...but that's what makes your writing worth the read. Peace
Honestly, they call you talented. I just laugh. There's some hell of an ugly childhood hiding somewhere between those lines. And college experience. Maybe some dating disasters. Complexes? Eating disorders? Who knows.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of your stuff.