life that is gone by shygirl

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Submission Name: life that is gone dots

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Author:	shygirl
ASL Info:	16/f/ok
Elite Ratio:	3.54 - 71/54/14
Words:	74

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	280
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	389

Description:
this poem shows that there is nothing to live for but life it's self i hope you understand.

life that is gone dots

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my life is over now i carry but a tone
my life is over now as i am alone

as shadow covers my grave
as evil i inhale

Alone i have died
I leave but one cry

No tears left behind
to this grave i am confind

My life is over now I'm dead in the ground
My life is over now no hope to save me now

Submitted on 2005-11-28 12:01:10 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  rararararara! your a [censored] jackass! i hope you die a horrible painful death! go but a [censored] goddamn ass[censored] clue you abhorrent [censored]! your poetry is [censored] awesome though so keep righting you [censored] whore!
| Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  that was the longest comment i have ever seen in my feeble existance!

hello [censored] face! i thought your poem was well. and interesting writing style you choose too. you're getting better...now if only you'd figure out that the muffin man moved to LA to pursue his dream of ballet...
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  wow danni this was neat. Very creative. I liked this write it was awesome keep the good work.
Oh and hey no i am most certinly not drunk.

Love, Serinity Blade
| Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by Demon__666 | [ Reply to This ]
  Maybe I don't understand, but I don't see how this is saying that "nothing is worth living for but life itself" because if that were so, you would be saying something about it - like, nothing in this world is good enough to live for, so all you can do is hold onto the fact that you are ALIVE. But this poem is obviously about you (or someone) being left alone, dying alone. It is missing something crucial. It sounds like you tried to sum it up in a short piece, but a few more lines might be helpful so the reader can understand what you are trying to say.

The flow is a bit broken, and the word "confined" you forgot the "e." :) If I may suggest, you could change a couple things to improve the flow:

my life is over now, i carry but a tone
my life is over now as i am all alone

as shadow covers my grave
as evil i inhale

alone i have died
i leave but one cry
(THIS IS MY FAVORITE COUPLET)

no tears to leave behind
to this grave i am confined

my life is over now, i'm dead in the ground
my life is over, no hope to save me now

I didn't like the repeat of "now" in the last line, it just didn't sound right.

This piece is decent, I think it could be pretty good if you added a little something. I like the idea of "there is nothing to live for but life itself." If you incorporate that more clearly into this piece I think it will turn out very cool. But that is just me, maybe there is some meaning that I didn't catch. It's your poem, you know. Let me know if you change anything, I'd be very interested. :)

-Cari
| Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]

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