Description: hey I dont know why I wrote this, it just came to my mind.
tell me what do you think of it, any advice, suggestion.
Sky and me -------------------------------------------
Sky is enclosed by evil clouds
Clouds cry diamond tears
Tears fall on golden leafs
Golden leafs resting on filthy streets
Streets without name and destination
Destinations which are end of dark ways
Ways which lead into other passages and doors
Doors which belong to forbidden palaces
Palaces which are cursed
Curses which are irreversible like shattered hearts
Hearts…………..
Hearts which have stopped to FEEL so long ago
Here I stand under the cloudy sky
With frozen tears we both cry
It’s declining on my hair
Mine the leafs have to wear
Through unknown ways and separated aims
Following the path of unfaithfulness and shames
A long journey we spent together
Mine lasting for a lifetime and its forever………
I cannot really say that I enjoyed the first stanza - it gets a bit much. I would suggest you try to make it into an arabesque, working on the linking of each line with more thourght, then just repeating the former word. I have made a suggestion:
Sky is enclosed by evil clouds
Clouds cry diamond tears
Tears fall on golden leafs
Golden leafs resting on filthy streets
Streets without name and destination
Destinations which are end of dark ways
Ways which lead into other passages and doors
Doors which belong to forbidden palaces
Palaces which are cursed
Curses which are irreversible like shattered hearts
Hearts…………..
Hearts which have stopped to FEEL so long ago
Sky is enclosed by evil
clouds cry diamond
tears fall on
golden leafs resting on filthy
streets without name and
destinations which are end of dark
ways lead[ing] into other
doors which belong to forbidden
palaces which are
curses which are irreversible like shattered
hearts which have stopped to FEEL so long ago
As you see the last three lines needs a bit more work, but the general idea is to mask the beginning and ending of lines, and then emphasize that every line is overlapping - this also clears up the redundancy of repeating the words.
Remember this is your write, so keep it that way, and only take in suggestions that you can stand for.
Kind of sad but it made me happy at the way you wrote this one? I think in a way we all feel this way sooner or later? Well Shabnam keep up the great work! It looks like you may have another hit on your hands? Kelley
Sanam, I think this is one of the most well constructed and touching pieces of yours that I have ever read. You seemed to have stepped back and viewed your subject with passion and insight. Diamond tears and Golden leafs wrapped in the sadness of the poem are beautiful. The first stanza is a complete work in itself. Nice job! Dan
This is a very deep one my dear and I think I got the idea of it. I'm going to repeat it to you " There are so many people who cares for you, so please take care of yourself." I liked this line so much "Hearts which have stopped to FEEL so long ago." This line shows what you are in that moment you wrote that awesome poem. But what I think of rains is not what you have described into your poem, because all I know about rains is that it is a meaning of welfare and gifts from Our God, sent by him to irragate the lands... So this is a very brand-new idea for me. Well done... keep going writing good things my dear... It will really help you to get what is inside yourself instead of keeping it inside.
This is a nice poem. It kinda sent me on a wild goose chase though. It told a very nice story. I just did'nt know where you were headed with it. I loved the "diamond tears from the skies" This was very nice. Well, just giving my thoughts. keep up the writing. i'll be interested in reading more.
The first stanza is so nice it like runns on and connects and has the most beautiful rythem. I love how much it connects and goes from one line to the next. then the second stanza seems to better explain what you were talking about in the first stanza i think you did an amazing job keep it up!
Cool Beans! I really enjoyed this poem. Nicely written. I liked how you ended with a word and started the next line with that word. It worked out great. These were my favorite lines:
Destinations which are end of dark ways Ways which lead into other passages and doors Doors which belong to forbidden palaces
Cool write, keep it up. Hope to check out more of your stuff.
Submission Name: Sky and me
