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you became a tree


Author: caspian
ASL Info:    23/m/Denmark
Elite Ratio:    2.31 - 134 /189 /57
Words: 78
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Depressed
Total Views: 844
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 464



Description:




you became a tree



through envelopes and highway roads
until the journey of our words became nothing
but a sorry quest for something lost and soon forgot

and time flew by and left its mark
your eyes grew dark and lost their spark
your feet stood still and lost their will
to dance and walk and to run wild
on hills of green so soft and mild

so you became a tree









Submitted on 2005-11-28 17:41:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like this :). I had a few interpretations and I enjoyed the metaphorical comparison between person and tree. For one, it is sad but very natural for a person to lose the drive to proceed on after much disappointment and defeat. We all hope to go through our lives with some purpose and to be able to influence and to leave a standing mark after we depart from this world. On a more uplifting note, we leave this life by returning to the earth.

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"..and time flew by and left its mark" - While poems are often times drawn out slew of thoughts, it might be good to create a subtle separation by removing the "and" and being with "time flew by..."
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"your feet stood still and lost their will
to dance and walk and to run wild"

It might be better to adjoin those two lines into one thought I wasn't sure if it was meant to be on two different lines.. Or maybe:

"your feet stood still and lost their will
to dance and walk and to run wild"
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"so you became a tree" - Maybe have the last line be "and you became a tree".


| Posted on 2005-12-29 00:00:00 | by salvete | [ Reply to This ]


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