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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unhappily Ever After Alldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vanhokinshtyl
    ASL Info:    8/M/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 119/200/71
    Words: 389
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 931
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2721



    Description:
       This song is about meeting someone on a vacation somewhere, and knowing that you'll have to leave, and you'll (probably) never see them again. And it just relates that to me being the director, and main character in a film I want to make, and a girl whom I like (...cheesy 8th grade or something...I like, like her, dude haha) being the person who I fall in love with, and want to share my life forever with (yeah, really I'm not being "gay" (in search for a better word, other than "cheesy" because I've already said it, anyhow...), but that's basically what this song is talking about.

    Enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnhappily Ever After Alldots
    -------------------------------------------


    When you said "Goodbye,"
    that was the last thing
    I wanted to remember,
    so, it turns out
    it turned out that way,
    and now I regret the things
    I had no courage to say,
    those words are stuck
    to me nearly every day
    with your face

    I'm hearing voices,
    voices from you
    inside my skull,
    our relationship
    was like a movie left unfinished,
    but I'd already created
    all the endings in my head
    when the beginning was started,
    and now we need an outcome
    to make this movie complete,
    we need a plot and two characters
    to keep the audience on
    the edge of their seats

    making this film all by myself
    isn't so fun anymore,
    I need someone who's really unique
    to help me create this movie...

    so will you be the protagonist?
    Distance will be the antagonist,
    will you be the main character
    in my movie

    'cause I've been crying
    and drying
    my eyes out
    with my chances of luck
    and I've been missing
    you, and wishing
    you were here,
    I would give near anything
    to tell you words I've left unsaid,
    and I would give a bit of everything
    to see you once again...

    Long story short
    I'm watching the snow fall,
    like our failing relationship,
    it's a short time
    we've been more than friends,
    but our short term relationship
    never ends...
    if we're willing to let it go,
    if we're willing to keep our options closed,
    if we're willing to keep in touch
    with no feeling only words...

    Long distance,
    and then we'll live
    happily ever after all,
    that was the plot and conclusion
    to my fairy tale,
    a tale too tall

    so will you be the protagonist?
    Distance will be the antagonist,
    will you be the main character
    in my movie

    'cause I've been crying
    and drying
    my eyes out
    with my chances of luck
    and I've been missing
    you, and wishing
    you were here,
    I would give near anything
    to tell you words I've left unsaid,
    and I would give a bit of everything
    to see you once again...

    ...just to see you once again...

    (duhnuh lol...there's this slick little A chord hammer on right there at the end, and it sounds like a country song or something, it's so funny)




    Submitted on 2005-11-28 20:19:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You know I could have swore I commented on this unless of course you've deleted my comment *raises one eyebrow*
    Did you know that the one person always leaves you really really really long comments and there's someone else that winks at you every time she leaves you a comment or a message or whatever, I'm starting to think she has a twitch or something. And if she by chances reads this I hope she understands that I am just a very silly person and I am not being mean because I don't like to be mean, it makes me sad :(

    "so will you be the protagonist?
    Distance will be the antagonist,
    will you be the main character
    in my movie"

    I like that. It's really cute, but if you're going to use all proper stuff with capitalization and question makrs in one lines you have to do it in the other ones too!

    And by the way, long distance relationships can kick ass if they start off as long distance relationships because you get to know so much about the person, but once you begin the physical parts of a relationship it sucks ass to be without it.

    So even though you're saying this is just a story you did a really good job with it, it's really sweet and really cute and I just adore it!

    Yes...I said adore...
    Toodles Beautiful
    -Caribou-
    | Posted on 2005-12-28 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      ok in the first stanza here reading “so, turns out” and then reading “it turned out that way” is a little odd before it as well with “I wanted to remember” and then “so, it turns out” I would change the line “so it turns out” matter of fact I would end I wanted to remember with a period and then start you new thought on the 4th line. maybe something dramatic (I’m always good for those) to start the fourth line “hitting me with sharpened nails” and then alter the 5th line a little to fit that better. change or no change it’s cool, just opening doors for you. lyrics are nice though because there is a lot more leeway in them as far as wording.

    the 2nd stanza I do voices in the skull that is great and the movie also. I can personally identify with the movie aspect, I at times put my own endings in there most no always good ones. I like how this plays out toward the end of this stanza, the plot and characters sound pretty darn good.

    is the 3rd stanza a type of lesser chorus? just wondering I would like to learn these lyrical formats better.

    4th stanza the chorus is cool. needing that main character yeah many of us do. I think in the chorus here after the third line you need a question mark.

    5th stanza. crying and drying doesn’t really impact me that much. maybe something to further amplify crying or longing. perhaps if you take out the third line “my eyes out” and change “drying” to “trying” so it reads like this:

    'cause I've been crying
    and (desperately) trying
    with my chances of luck………..up to you of course.

    6th stanza. maybe in the 3rd line something to match the falling snow better than failing. “tumbling” something like that. the rest is quite nice. even the repeaters are cool cause you have some variety in those. I had a taste of that earlier today with “all you need is love” by the Beatles. the word nothing was used quite often.

    7th ok here you have “conclusion” and you mention fairy tale. I would like it’s screaming to have an “illusion” somewhere in there. 8th chorus repeat.

    9th stanza. here you have more of the same lyrics only this time a change in the last two lines. its ok but maybe some more work there to add different thoughts/feelings. I ddo like that echoed “to see you once again” at the end.

    nicely done, some rough edges here. but all in your capable hands to make adjustments or leave it be. take care Codee,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is very sad and it's a very good piece. Jussy was right, it did display your life through a movie clip, it was so cool. Keep up these great writes, I love reading them, wow, I almost put listening, lol.
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      Ya you got me again...I loved these lines.


    'cause I've been crying
    and drying
    my eyes out
    with my chances of luck
    and I've been missing
    you, and wishing
    you were here,
    I would give near anything
    to tell you words I've left unsaid,
    and I would give a bit of everything
    to see you once again...

    I thought your whole idea was awesome with the movie and the characters..that's how I friggin feel sometimes...like something in a movie..but it's real life..and real love. Awesome job. ~hailie~
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very nice piece. To me, it displays your life through movie clips. It gave me nice imagry.
    But i had already created the endings in my head, when the beginning was started.-that was my favorite line. As always, nice work from ya. Hope to see more. I finally got together 42 of my best poetry together to send it to be reviewed for publishing. Maybe if it is published I'll send you a copy. Your thoughts, I take seriously. Nice job.


    Jussy
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by Jussy | [ Reply to This ]


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    82673

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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