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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: first lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DanceADream
    ASL Info:    16 f canada
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 205/153/29
    Words: 53
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 822
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 353



    Description:
       hey...its what it is! but if you are 100% against sex i wouldnt read this...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfirst lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    His skins against yours
    touching you, bare
    the warmth you feel
    Like its always been there

    You're so safe
    Wrapped in his arms
    Yet your stomach is sick
    But the moments a charm

    He looks in your eyes
    As he grips you tight
    And slips you deep
    To start the night




    Submitted on 2005-11-28 20:23:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Cute! I know this feeling. You've thrown me into a state of bedlam though.. is it about first love, or first time sex? The first two stanzas sound like first love, then the last completely turns it around for me and makes it seem like sex. Well, whatever it is, it's nice.
    | Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess you fixed the "butterflies" thing. The first thing that hit me was how nice the rhythm was, I really enjoyed reading it aloud.

    A couple of apostophes needed, one in the first "it's" and one in "moment's"

    The second stanza still stands out as a grate, though, probably the use of the word "sick" in the middle of a love/passion poem is out of place. Consider something like:

    "A feeling so safe
    Wrapped up in his arms
    As nerves tingle softly
    The moment's a charm"

    Only small things, I think you said an awful lot in such a small poem.

    Well done, the start of an excellent poem

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      DEfinately a romantic poem, i like the ryth, all except the butterflies, line, like amber said, too many syllables, but other than that i thought it was well written, well organized, and on the whole an excellant poem.
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by lucianraven | [ Reply to This ]
      Yet your stomach's full of butterflies
    this line has too many syllables and defeats the rythm.
    change it around and the poem will be great!
    Nice write,
    Amber
    | Posted on 2005-11-28 00:00:00 | by PoeticSoul666 | [ Reply to This ]


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