Description: This is mainly about something I'm going through with a friend. We had a arguement and for the first time, I did not want to try to save our friendship, I stopped caring and just gave up. Ever since I realized that I stopped caring, I've realized that I not only gave up on that friendship, but also on myself.
comments are greatly appreciated, and thank you for your time
I decided to check this out because you mentioned that you had one with the same title in your comment on "fallen" I just realised that your title fits, and mine makes no sense when in comparison. I like this, the title fits. I can relate to this, I know how it feels to walk away and not be able to tell them you love them afterwards, it is emotionally destructive. What will help thoguh, is swallowing your pride and calling her, it will be the best thing you ever did. Take it from a man who knows, don't turn your back forever if you can help it! I mean, don't turn out like me bro, I write poetry so i can cope with the fact that life sucks.
This is really good except there was a ryhme it just wasn't consistant...i think that if you chose to either have one ryhme scheme throught out the entire write or none at all it would work best for this one. The main thing here though is the slight imagry but more so the emotions...this was really heartfelt and had alot of pain, suffering and hoplessness...I think the strongest feeling for me on this was that I (and this could have been reflected from my own feelings right now) felt a strong sense of real regret...like you knew you made a mistake and you watched it happen through someone else's eyes...watched yourself stumble then fall. This was really good and I'm definatly adding this to my favs. O and I just wanted to fit in that the ending was surprisingly strong. I loved this! keep writing. ~Jess
I am please to read this type of heartfelt pain from such a young person. I think maybe young in years, but not in experiences. That sadness and frustration you demonstrated for my consumption was tender and loving, through fear as expected.
You know, a friendship, if it is worth anything at all, an arguement will never separate that friendship. A true lifetime friendship can weather all kinds of storms.
Sometimes, even though you may feel sad, lonely, and guilty, you have to let someone fall and hit bottom. Depends on what was going on to cause such friction. I know you have heard of tough love, you have; right? Well there are times when that is necessary. It is so very hard to do, because you still love them, and you want them to know how you feel, but it is best if you don't; they will use it against you, testing upon your guilt feelings. When she rebounds, be there for her. That is what a friend does. Remember, every poem is a gem unto itself, some just need a little more polishingthan others, that's all.
You have a long way to go in writing, your gift is showing through even at this tender age. I shall keep an eye on your works, I will love to watch you develope as a poet. God bless, Yvonne
I can feel your feeling of helplessness and sadness in this piece. The emotion is apparant. On another note I feel that your writing isn't quite seasoned, maybe because you have so much more life to live. A couple of things that I want to mention is you tend to repeat yourself like in the first and second stanza, you used standing there in the first line, It kinda broke the flow.
she stands there waiting for someone her pain is too much to bear knowing no one's there
standing there with disgrace all around her not realizing the truth she is but a young youth
And then in the first and fourth stanza you used pain is too mush to bear.
she stands there waiting for someone her pain is too much to bear knowing no one's there
the pain is too much to bear knowing she's not there for the first time I have fallen
and another example is you used failed too many time toward the end. I guess my advice to you is to widen your vocabulary a bit because repetitiveness makes a poem less powerfull. When you use a wider vocabulary and range in your wording it tends to make you poem POP! No doubt I believe you have talent and I know that as time passes, your writing will get better, just keep a thesuarus nearby in the future. Good Luck.
Wow, this seems like a completely different piece.
The only change that I'm has to happen here is a typo: "her pain IS too much to bear"
On the level of changes I think you should consider: You have "Her pain is too much to bear" and "the pain is too much to bear". I would change one of those lines or, at a minimum, change the second to "MY pain.."
One other place could use a word change: "more pathetic than the most pathetic" Maybe one of those pathetics can go???
That's all I can heatrily recommend. There's one other thing that you might want to think of though and that's spacing and breaks. Since this is free form, you can break anywhere you like. I always encourage people to muck around with it,, basically beacuse I'm biased that way.
Maybe instead of:
"i have failed her now i fall again
my eyes stare upon her wanting her friendship back not wanting to fight back the tears in my eyes
i cant tell her that i miss her i cant tell her that i love her"
you could try:
"I have failed her
Now I fall again
My eyes stare upon her Wanting her friendship back
Not wanting to fight back the tears in my eyes I can't tell her that I miss her
This is an interesting piece with a huge amount of potential. There is one big thing I would tweak though.
When I began reading the poem I had the wrong interpretation of the first line and I was on the wrong track for a bit. For me "You stand there" is almost a command, it puts me, as the reader, in the poem as a character. I think the poem reads OK with your reader as the antagonist, but I think it reads better when we see you talking to your (former) friend. If I (as the reader) am the problem, I can get a little defensive. (I'm OK, you're the one that's weird.) If someone else is the problem, then we can build a sense with you that he is a bit of a dirtbag. That makes you're ending much more powerful.
Perhaps a first line of "I stare at you standing there", or I see you standing there" would work better. Something to give us the impression that "you" is a person you're writing to, not us. You might even explore third person (He stands there)
Another thing I might mess with is to change a bit of the repetition to "near repetition". Perhaps "You are fallen", then "you have fallen", followed by "You kept falling" or some other idea like that.
The only other things to change are microscopic (won't you're)
Great, novel idea and a superb, accurate lesson in life.
Too much format and repetition. The best lines are the ones not repeated for this reason. I find it hard to connect to writing when it is this strictly rigid. Just a thought, but maybe it would be useful to try writing whatever pops in your head, say: screw format- and see what happens, get the creative juices flowing and break some rules. It seems like you're trying to say things a certain way instead of saying what's really on your mind...I could be wrong of course, I'm just guessing.
?Good use of irony at the end "I have fallen".I try not to state mistakes in grammar or spelling because a mistake to me maybe a point of emphasis to you, but if you're gonna capitalize You in the beginning stick to it, I didn't see a change in that character to require a noncapital y for her/him. They seem static through the poem while Your character is dynamic, finally giving up and becoming as static as your anatagonist. I suggest saying "i have fallen" not "I have fallen." Thats how i see it, but don't change it on my account. It is your poem.
Hey, Overall, I liked your poem. Although, there some things which I think could be polished. Firstly, I think you mean, 'you're' not 'your.' Also, I don't know why but for me, 'you stand there' is so much more powerful then 'fallen.' I think if you repeated that instead, it would add more impact. Thanks for the read.
welll so is this what you call a poem full of energy and feeling ?? i dont ythink so .. it gets tired of the same cliché "you are fallen". realize that you name this wpord (fallen many times) and readers wont engage to your poem if they get tired with your many uses of a word ...indeed you need to add more things, and more atmosphere i think like uncommon_flu said it is so simple ... but it has a part that like me:
"the pain is too much to bear, knowing your not here," lol this is so sweet lol ... wel keep on writing ill check out your other writings though peace and love victor!
I know that the first argument with a close friend is always the hardest, I got in a argument with my best friend for months, we had lived together the whole summer and I think we both got sick of each other but the arguement made us stronger in the end, and let us grow each in our own seperate ways, make new friends, and it was hard for me, because Ifelt alone, abandond, and not having a best friend is hard, but now we are friends again, not best friends, for I don't think we will ever be like sisters again, which is probably good... but we are friends, and we still have alot of fun. I am nt glad that we got into a fight, but I am glad that we each learned to grow on our own, become our own person, it made us each better people, so I know it must b hard for you but don't give up, it will all improve one way or another, but most of all don't give up on yourself.
The poem I like the honesty and bluntness of your words and the gravity I felt each one had, I do feel that it might be improved if you would extend it ad put in more comnparisons so the reader themselves has something to relate and latch on too, but over all excellent job. much love kaity
This poem is not actually one that I enjoyed... the repetition... it kills me to see that you wrote "you are fallen"... Killed the total poem for me... sorry if it sounds like I am bashing but I am just telling you the spots and the things I did not like right now... way too simple with a meaning that is just waiting to be released and I do not see it here... you are trying to point a message across but it does not really come out to me... I see you trying but I do not see it actually done in this one... feels really rough around the edges... no kind of feelings no kind of emotions flowing through this write I just did not feel your intentions... kills me like I said before... great potential but the down sides drag the whole thing down with it
I think this isnt bad but needs some work. First of all, I dont understand "you are fallen". It doesnt make sense to me. I think "you have fallen or you've fallen" makes more sense. In the third stanza, third sentence 'your' should be spelled "you're". I understand what you are trying to say with this poem but I dont think this is the best way to convey your feelings. It has potential but needs some work. And there is no feeling to this, no details. How did you try to help? If the pain is too much to bear that this person isnt in your life then why not make an effort to fix it? Anyway, this is ok...but needs some work. Take care.
very nice work. I would consider adding a period to the last line, to empathise the point that you have had fallen. I liked the use of a falling metaphore, without trying to give it a good or evil conutation.
This is surprisingly good, i really liked the switch at the ending, good job. I would suggest changing 'with disgrace all around you', you might want to use a different word. Other than that, good job.
this was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo simple... in fact this is too simple. There is no complexity, theres depth, but I just hate the fact its simple. The words and rhyme scheme is so comprehensible im sure you can read this to kids in the 3rd grade level. You're feelings in this piece is extremely simple, and it just sounds like something you were trying to get off your chest. Manically depressed atmosphere, and everything. Work of genius??? I wouldn't say that, but keep working on it... im sure it will come out eventually. Basically the best stanza is the first stanza. you wait there waiting for someone to catch you... you have fallen... that is the only line that actually kept me reading this piece hoping it got better. It had a great beginning but that was it. All this is oppinon so don't with my comment.
This is another good write from you I know the feeling you are describing to me you are saying that to fall is to let the negativity bring you down Look at the positives in your life and I know they will outweigh the negatives Let the positives sore above them and bring you to a peaceful state Take Care Ron
And Thank You for your recent comments I really appreciate them Thank You Ron
Submission Name: Fallen
