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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Still watersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 16
    Class/Type: Haiku/
    Total Views: 1281
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 124



    Description:
       First attempt at a haiku.
    I was in an aquarium the other day and walked past the tank of red bellied pirhana (scary buggers) they don't swim much just stay still waiting for some poor sod to make a mistake.

    Advice and thoughts please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStill watersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Suspended, waiting

    Stars dancing on blue and black

    a fearful patience.






    Submitted on 2005-11-29 16:28:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I usually avoid theses type of poems probably because they are short and have a set structure too it. However I thought since I am here to give my view. I never have seen enough piranhas to know what shapes they have on them. I do like stars on blue and black that hits me as a nice visual I wonder if the stars are on them or maybe part of the lighting in the aquarium. The suspended, waiting part and the last line gives it that tension that I would think those fish have attached to them. I have heard of stories of cats sticking their paws in those tanks and losing them, I do not know if those are true but it is frightening. Anyhow I think it very good, take care Phil,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Intrestingly composed. Haikus arent usually my thing but for some reason this appeals to me. I know what you mean about the piranas although when i read this what it made me think of was a soul waiting to vbe concived: just floating below the surface of conciousness until an oppertunity presented itself.
    Good Right
    Have Fun
    xxAngelxx
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by The_Angelic_Dea | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, im not usually a huge fan o haiku, but i love fish! anyway i can totally get the image of those pihranna waiting there, i especially like "fearful patience" that was a line so good, im not really sure how to describe it! it reall y brought it all 2gether
    ~Raven~
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by lucianraven | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a most interesting Haiku. Your form is perfect and nature is your topic so I think you've got it! I went to Hawaii once and we ate at this restaurant that had this huge aquarium that went around the entire center of the room from the ceiling to the floor and the tables were right up next to it. It was so fascinating to see all the marine life so upclose like that. I dont think I have witnessed the pirhana though. Dont imagine that would be very appetizing to witness while eating dinner hahahhaa! But this is a very nicely done haiku! Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      nice, like a mini thriller, suspenseful, my only suggestion would be; I thought fearsome would work better than fearful, just my lowly opinion however, good write

    Milo
    | Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this
    I love haikus because they definately make the mind think
    The vision I saw reading this was of a family looking into a telescope and seeing the moon but right next to it was a falling star looking like it was aimed drectly for it
    Great Write
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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