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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Understand Humansdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jussy
    ASL Info:    21 ...guy....waterworld
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 66/64/21
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1169
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 536



    Description:
       a piece over the human enigma of action.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Understand Humansdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Careful to fold each crack and crevace
    with perspicuity.
    But still able, day by day, to live in
    symphonic shadow.
    Though I don't comprehend constructing a
    castle of sand to see it drowned by the
    white caps.
    (or build just to see the zephyr destroy)

    For in our exhalation , speaks our debasement.
    Why then, are we reiterating our blunders?
    Only we, have success in mediocrity.
    To understand this vacancy of mind,
    we must refract within us.




    Submitted on 2005-11-29 18:57:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This piece was quite impacting and really makes a person think... really think. I like works that give that kind of feeling and effect. I'm glad that I chose to read this particular piece of yours first. ...Considering that I've never read any of your works before now.

    Oh, before I go any farther with critiquing this piece of yours, I would like to thank you. That comment that you gave me regarding my piece entitled "The River of Time" was greatly appreciated. Thank you. I'm glad that you found it to be a good write.

    Anyway, back to your piece.
    To a certain degree, at least in my opinion, this work was quite philosophical. Personally, that actually helped to pull me farther into the piece. Also, like I mentioned before, it really makes you think. The message (or messages) that you conveyed within the piece as a whole contain truth and wisdom.
    Turth is not too terribly difficult to convey in writing. However, wisdom is usually extremely difficult. The fact that you were able to convey both is impressive.

    In short, I enjoyed this poem. Again, I'm glad that I read this piece. You are talented as a writer. This was a fine write.
    Keep up the good work.

    Thank you again.
    Take care.
    *smiles*

    Crystal
    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by purely_complex | [ Reply to This ]
      Psychological terminology of thoughts is what I rate this Justin.

    Let me introduce my method of commenting:

    1. Be honest.

    Some find this the most difficult part of a critique or commenting, but I think it is the best part because you know where they stand and where they will put you. Don't worry about me the reader bashing your work. I'm here to give you my intake on this piece. Good! I think I have began the honest thingy...

    2. Try not to give only compliments.

    Compliments are GOOD! I love giving compliments only if I truly mean it. I cannot fanthom a lie and paint it with beauty...in the end the only thing that will occur is a lost of a fellow poet or possible friend. My ciritque does not begin here, but as I write to you you will have already assessed my character or personality.

    3. How did it make you feel?

    Now, it begins!

    Careful to fold each crack and crevace
    with perspicuity.
    [Loop holes, errors, mistakes are constantly being hidden or suppressed from the unforgiving attitude of society. Where fingers are pointed in disgust, actions ridiculed, etc.]

    But still able, day by day, to live in
    symphonic shadow.
    [Yes, still to day after going through and seeing many things society forces us to hide our characters through masks leaving shadows to linger within and around us...we then suffer this thing called emptiness and loneliness.]

    Though I don't comprehend constructing a
    castle of sand to see it drowned by the
    white caps. (or build just to see the zephyr destroy)
    [Hmmm, the inevitable question of humans actions: why do we do what we do? When we know without error that the decisions we make will lead to certain consequences in life.]

    For in our exhalation, speaks our debasement.
    [This line carries a great message and lesson all in itself. The tongue is a burning fire that can rebuild your character or destroy your morality. It is how one uses language that will determine in what way they will carry themselves and live life. So, in our toungues lies our fate.]

    Why then, are we reiterating our blunders?
    [Good question. We humans are the most complex creatures on this planet. We have the power to think and rationalize unlike the animals who solely driven by instincts. Then, why, continue to do what we do if we know what the overall outcome will be? Some are simply imperfect in actions seeking to perfect our ways through self knowledge. Others deny the fact thereof and excuse their actions.

    Only we, have success in mediocrity.
    To understand this vacancy of mind,
    we must refract within us.
    [Yes, I agree. Humans should look to renew their ways constantly as oppose to resort to the averageness that has been instilled in our heads. Certain groups are told they are inferior and this is so wrong. The question I ask is, why do we gnaw at each other like animals who have no ability to reason, yet behave with superiority? The key is to renew our minds and steer away from mediocre ways.]

    4. Why did it make you feel that way?

    I felt the depth of you write of thought provoking concepts and percepts.

    5. Which parts?

    All parts were meaningful and added to depth of your write.

    6. What distracted from the piece?

    No distractions.

    7. What was unclear?

    Nothing.

    8. What does it remind you of?

    The Human Race vs. Animal Kingdom. Who is who really? Have we changed roles?

    9. How could it be improved?

    My favorite line has a typo: "For in our exhalation , speaks our debasement." The comma and spacing are off. Move the comma. This is all the improvements needed.

    10. What would you have done differently?

    Nothing. It's an excellent write and well detailed. In fact your wording is impeccable.

    11. What was your interpretation of it?

    I gave it already! Do you want me to run out of words. LOL.

    12. Does it feel original?

    Definitely.

    Thanks dear.

    Love Saby~*~
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this
    To me you were writing of how one builds boundaries to stop negativity from seeping in
    Your worded this write very well
    It flowed perfectly
    Great write!
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very well written poem. It makes one think. It has a very good flow and the wording is good.
    I like your style it is very unique.
    A very thoughtful piece
    With love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      This was good...it really got me thinking...incredible deep thought...I like your use of detail, wording and there was some really good imgary of everyday things...the title drew me in and the rest followed up- wonderfully. I'm really glad you shared this with all us freaks on here thnx for posting, keep writing.
    peace
    | Posted on 2005-11-29 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm... the big words through me for a minute there, but i managed... your word choice was perfect, any poem with a title like that needs great words... Awesome, keep it up...
    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    82799

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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