Looking to the right by Atrip187

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Submission Name: Looking to the right dots

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Author:	Atrip187
ASL Info:	21/Male/Some Alley
Elite Ratio:	4.53 - 81/76/21
Words:	64

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	200
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	434

Description:
Read it twice please once straight through with just a readers eye then go head and destroy it okay.

Looking to the right dots

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Plopped down
Looking to the right
I turn on the light
pen in my hand i start to write
Plopped Down
Looking to the right

slowly breath
take my time
forget my most recent crime
memory bitter as lime
slowly breath
take my time

Wipe my eyes
clear my sight
Cant bare to write
Plopped down
Looking to the right

Submitted on 2005-11-29 21:55:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I'm a big fan of repitition and refrain as well. I think it adds meaning and lyrical qualities to a poem. It also lets one play with the subtlties of language and meaning, and there are a lot of subtlties in a phrase "looking to the right." It could end up with a lot of alternate meanings. And spoken, 'right' can be considered to be other things as well.
| Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  'slowly breath
take my time
forget my most recent crime
memory bitter as lime
slowly breath
take my time'

this was both my favorite part & the one that needs the most work.
I agree with the lime, it didnt seem to fit right with the emotions. Try a rhyming dictionary, you might be able to find something else.
Also the first line I think is suppose to be breathe, not breath.

Other then that I really enjoyed this piece, vague & creepy. You set a good scene, though I am not a big fan of rhyming I think it fit well with this piece.
I enjoyed reading it
take care
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi there. I like the repitition of the lines (plopped down/looking to the right). maybe you could make these more personal by saying 'looking to my right'?

A coupe of other things that i noticed: the image 'memory bitter as lime'. Are you infering that the memory is a bad one? I'm guessing so, it's just that the 'lime'is not doing it justice. I actually like lime. it's a fresh fruit, revitalising. Maybe you use a word more in line with the image that you want to potray?

One last thing, there's seems to be too many beats in 'pen in my hand i start to write'. Elsewhere, most of the lines have a syllable count between 2-5 per line. in the one i mentioned, there's 8 beats. Of course, if this is intended, then ignore the above.

Hope this helps.

Emerson
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Paradelle | [ Reply to This ]

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