Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: death bed rejectdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: waffuru
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 12/23/8
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 808
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1038



    Description:
       i found you in newspaper clippings and the letter you sent. old photographs and the sting in your voice.

    there you are.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdeath bed rejectdots
    -------------------------------------------


    a winter tooth chip, solid
    stone gaze into frost
    bronze pours from your mouth
    the resulting scene is something of
    art, a play perhaps, the actors are
    late and the set is becoming impatient
    don't wait up for them, trees
    will never fall if you push too hard
    eyes will never see if you strain too much
    rings we wear on our deaf ears, words
    long lost in the setting moon
    one more drink for old times
    one more life,
    for old times
    nature wasn't looking her best but,
    i can't say we looked much worse
    muscles shake when you draw near,
    like an earthquake inside my chest,
    earthquake in the sky,
    please don't crack again and
    watch as sinking becomes the new swimming
    hide yourself in paints
    in words in trees
    this ever present scent of trust
    the present your father left
    a watch that can't tell time
    and a girl who doesn't really mind




    Submitted on 2005-11-30 05:36:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      YEAH DUDE!

    this was really good! who the hell says this:

    "trees will never fall if you push hard, or eyes will never see if you strain too hard."

    thats why i loved it...you put stuff out there that is waay fu-ckin cool, like the last one... a watch that can't tell time, and a girl that doesn't really mind... that is so cool dude.

    when you wrote that line about drinking to old times...like as if saying..." yeah you know those old times, maybe they weren't so great, but they were at the time and i miss them. damn dude, i liked this a lot. you do have a way of capturing the reader and suckin them in. definetely a favorite.

    Austin
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this-
    I think that you captured the reader wonderfully. As everyone said before me.

    Your rich words & deep thoughts really captivated my imagination & my thoughs.
    Making me wonder, trying to see the meaning within it.
    I am sure that you have a meaning for it, though I will not make a fool of myself & tell you what I think it is

    I really love your discription, it pulls it together a little more.
    There is not much to say about this.
    I think that the form was good for the piece, just one line leading to another. Your coma's & such were really well used.
    You did a really good job on this, you really captured my attention.
    Take care & hope you have a wonderful Chritmas & New Years.
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      This definately had me mesmerized for a bit. I was staring at it trying to figure out what it really meant to you, but I failed at that one. Instead I ended up seeing what I guess I was only meant to see. The last three lines kind of hit me, "the present your father left/a watch that can't tell time/and a girl who doesn't really mind", and I don't really know why. I think it just might have been about the watch...I really got to stop living for the future and start living in the moment cause it's the only thing that's going to count in end. Yeah..well...that's all I really got. I wonder, who are you really talking about with this??? I read your description, and now it has me intrigued. But whatever, you don't need to share, but it's just something for me to wonder. Anyways, it was awesome in the sense that it made me really start thinking. And I really needed to do that right about now.

    Jess
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm something about this poem makes me think alot...i dont kno what it is but i like it...i like how it kinda doesent show the whole meaning behind it and its open for interpertation...yes i kno i cant spell sorry...i have to add this to my favs...so i can read it alot and look for a meaning good job
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by stateXofXmind | [ Reply to This ]
      The beginning:

    a winter tooth chip, solid
    stone gaze into frost
    bronze pours from your mouth

    is a mystery to me. I have no idea what you mean, but it is a very interesting way to put it. "Bronze pours from your mouth." That is beautiful somehow. I like the image of "pouring." And actually, I don't know what the meaning of the poem as a whole is, but my head is aching and it just won't sink in right now. I like the lines:

    don't wait up for them, trees
    will never fall if you push too hard
    eyes will never see if you strain too much

    like...sometimes you try TOO hard to do something and it is ruined. The ending was also good:

    the present your father left
    a watch that can't tell time
    and a girl who doesn't really mind

    something about it just catches my attention. Maybe because it rhymes, but also because the way it seems like you are saying the girl doesn't care that the watch doesn't work, because at least she has something from her father.
    Perhaps I will comment again, when I can focus a little more. But for now, I will fav this piece. Nice job.

    -Cari
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this has a nice rhythm to it when I read it out. The lack of capitalization makes this piece more relaxed and tender in look and feel. Your enjambment forces the reader to quicken their eyes onto the next line which works to a degree...

    I think that breaking this up into stanzas could work to show the reader where the hard pauses are. It would be a nicer alternative than periods in my opinion.

    But as I've said in different words already, it's interesting to read and conjures past-tense imagery quite well.

    Peace,

    Jase

    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    82847

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry