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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Workdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: babytinkerbelle
    ASL Info:    26/f/aus
    Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310/209/42
    Words: 60
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 976
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 387



    Description:
       
    Just something I wrote about my work cos I can't sleep. It's not finished and the rhyme seemed a little forced but I have a small case of writers block and this is all i could get out.

    Suggestions on how to improve/extend it would be greatly appreciated.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWorkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    These feelings bottled up
    Wishing I could scream
    Ready to erupt
    Maybe itís all a dream

    Hating what you say to me
    I want to get out
    Why is it that you cannot see
    Do really have to shout

    Lowering my self-esteem
    Accusing my of lying
    Maybe you are letting off steam
    Cos your career is dying




    Submitted on 2005-11-30 06:22:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The rhythm of this is good, I enjoyed it. There are some corrections that are needed, but I think you know what they are. I think this piece has potential to be a great one with a little more...more.
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a good start, it's how I start alot, just write about a subject until you run out of ideas and edit until you like it. at the moment it sounds quite raw, almost but not quite a rant I think words like hate in a piece that is about something you dislike lowers the validity(is that the right word? hmmmm) of what you're trying to say like a teen angry at his dad for giving him a bollocking. Maybe try to focus on your emotions as opposed to vilifying someone, also the theme is nothing that has not been done before so you'll need to think of something to make this original.
    For eg write about something you did wrong and got in trouble for and then, try to approach it from both sides of the story, this is just a very rough suggestion ofcourse. I hope that some of this might be useful to you I look forward to reading your final draft.

    Peace
    V
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      wow! sounds like you truly enjoy your job LOL, yes "work" may need a little work but as far as just putting pen to paper and letting the feeling flow, very well done and sometimes that is half the battle, the only suggestions I might have would be; get some SLEEP and quit thinking about work when you should be SLEEPING, good night

    Milo
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]
      Tink
    You dont have writers block
    You actually have the start of a write here that is very good
    Just take some time and relax and Im sure the rest of it will come to you
    By the way I have been wanted to ask you
    You have a very uplifting way with your words
    Maybe we can put our minds together and come up with a good poem
    Keep in touch
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      The beginning was very captivating, my interest didn't sway at all for the first two stanzas. Then when the third came I was a little disapointed it had ended, like more explaining could have been done or more feeling put into it? I'm sure later on you'll come back to it and revise and things like that, it'll come together.

    But overall very good, it was a great read.

    -Miss M.
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      ...cuz my career is dying

    ...is slick, because it's true, it is such a powerful ending. Yeah, it may need a little work, but I'm sure once you put the finishing touches on the piece, you will like it. But yeah, I know what you mean, I have a case of writer's block too, I hate it. I don't really have much to write about anymore, but I'm sure something will hit me.
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by vanhokinshtyl | [ Reply to This ]


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